My mind is a jumbled mess. 

Every muscle in my body is aching, my throat feels dry and there is bright sunlight piercing through my eyelids.

Yet even in this state, I could not ignore the putrid stench of death crawling through my nose, forcing me to confront the grim reality. 

I slowly pried my eyes open and managed to take in my surroundings 

“What happened here…?”   I said with a hoarse voice.

A forest dense with towering trees surrounds me, littered with the haunting remnants of a gruesome battle. Corpses of humans, elves, gnomes and even a catlike human lie strewn across the scarred ground, some suspended from a handful of trees. 

But my attention was focused elsewhere. My attire, I was wearing black and dark grey leather armour, black gloves and a long black coat on top, in my right hand was a blade that was coated in dried blood and on the ground next to me was an ornate revolver.

My hand instinctively reached out for it.

“Evelyn…” The name echoed in my mind, leaving me perplexed. Why do I recognize this weapon?

Before confusion can fully seize my thoughts, I redirect my attention to the fallen bodies, determined to piece together the puzzle that is my surroundings.

They were heavily mutilated. Some were missing their heads whilst others had  both large and small cuts all over the bodies, some even had small circular puncture wounds piercing their chest.

This was undoubtedly done by me.

I tried rummaging through the mist in my head to find an answer, but what I found instead was nothing. Blank and empty, almost like the void, that is how I could best describe my memories. 

It’s weird. I can speak, I can think and I have enough knowledge to form these kinds of thoughts, yet there is nothing else. No recollection of my life, no history of the place that I am currently in and no answers that could help me in my current predicament.

"Umph” I exclaimed as I tried to stand up.

“Just do what you can” 

I thought to myself, with that thought in mind I began swiftly examining the bodies for the second time, and to my surprise, these bodies had died a while ago.

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'These are signs of the undead,' I concluded, closing my eyes and exhaling a sigh of relief, knowing I hadn't massacred over two dozen living beings.

Now that I'm calm, I can start putting together the information that I have.

My current location is unknown, my reason for being here seems to have been a battle against the undead. I have equipment  that I have no knowledge of but I do know the name of my revolver. Why do I keep saying that it's my revolver and why do I feel like I'm missing something very important?

My name

What is my name? Why do I not know my own name?

Feeling frustrated, I opened my eyes and picked up the bloodied blade.

I immediately calmed down, the blade nestled into my palm with an almost natural familiarity. 

My body moved on its own as instinct overtook my thoughts, The blade became an extension of my being, and I found myself engaged in a dance of shadows.

If someone was watching me right now, they would probably think to themselves “is that part of an exotic culture?” whilst  confusing my shadow duelling for something akin to dancing, after all, my movements were beautiful.

“Ahh!” That was, until I tripped over a body

“Damit that's embarrassing, hopefully no one saw that.” 

I can't just leave these bodies here; they might be monsters now, but they were once living, breathing people. I should bury them. I don't know their identities, but leaving them in their current state feels inherently wrong.

With a goal in mind,, I began the solemn task of moving the bodies, gently laying them in the battle-scarred craters on the ground. Time slipped away unnoticed, but the distant sunset painted the sky, indicating the effort I invested. 

I made mass graves and stuck the weapons they once carried into the earth as markers. It might be a small gesture, but it's something.

Covered in dirt, dried blood, and sweat as the sun fully set, I realised staying in this place wouldn't change anything.

-

Taking out Evelynn, I placed her on the ground and spun her with all my might. She rotated for almost  twenty seconds until she stopped. The barrel pointing southeast

Having done everything I could here, I put Evelynn back on my hip and headed in that direction.

As I walked through the familiar forest, a nagging sense of déjà vu crept in. Have I  been here before? Did I live here?  Or perhaps I lived in a nearby town?

Feeling the mental fatigue starting to pile on the physical fatigue, I decided that washing up first and then scrambling my brain was the best option.

After some time of silent contemplation, occasional interaction with forest critters, and absorbing the forest's enchanting beauty, I reached a pond.  Despite the chaotic and confusing day, the serene scene before me almost made up for everything.

Crystal-clear water radiated a bluish hue, stirring a deep sense of familiarity. Though there were memories tied to this pond lurking in my mind, finding them proved to be difficult. 

Approaching the pond I gazed into the water and encountered a reflection with long silver-grey hair, ruby-like red eyes, elongated sharp ears, and pale white skin.

A name emerged in my mind upon seeing what seemed to be a young elven woman.

“Estel”. I felt great comfort upon hearing this name echo through my mind.

My name is Estel.  At least I remembered that.

“So that's what I look like…  ” I thought to myself whilst washing off the dirt from my face.

But as my hands moved across my face, I sensed grooves etched into my skin, realising it wasn't skin but a wood-like imitation. 

'Right...' I mused, acknowledging the truth as the crushing weight of reality set in.

"It's not real skin. I am a doll.”

A mere doll, not made of flesh and bone. I'm manufactured yet I possess intelligence and perhaps even a soul.

This is probably why I was so calm when I woke up next to those bodies.Anxiety, sadness, fear, joy, anger. I didn't feel anything like emotions when I saw the carnage, only confusion filled my mind.

No, that's not right. I have felt sadness as I buried the bodies of the fallen and I have definitely felt anxiety, even right now my artificial heart is beating faster and faster, my breath is shaky and my mind is spiralling into existential dread. 

Undeniably, I am more than a mere construct.

I am Estel and I am a doll.