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Chapter 15 – Keep Calm and Kenzie On

It would’ve been nice if she actually was Abby Longbloom or some other character from a book or another dimension. It would make sense of how crazy life had become.

There were times when I just wanted a hole in the world to open, which I could step through to another place. A different place where impossible stuff happened and all the things I worried about were fixed.

But that doesn’t happen. An aura of girlness around me…that happened. But not that other thing. The way the world works…sometimes.

We stopped at the 7/11 because I remembered we were low on milk. I also picked up a few packages of cookies because I felt like it and cookies are simple and nice when nothing else seems to be. That said, the cookies were dry and had obviously been sitting in the same place for quite some time. Even those in front had a layer of dust on them. But they weren’t to the expiration date, so I finished them.

The rest of the day was pretty much spent inside and in front of the TV. Occasionally, I could hear the far-off school ‘bell’ screeching. I was probably the only student who actually wanted to be in class right then.

My parents came home early again but not as early as the day before. We first swung by the doctor’s office for a physical copy of the release. Mom also wanted to contact a lawyer with secondary school experience, but it would’ve been expensive.

I felt good to be back on campus even with the bitter waves in my stomach. We signed in at the front. I was dressed up nice because my mom told me to do that. I rubbed at the dry bits of my knuckles. We didn’t have to wait long until Aceves greeted my parents.

My dad was cordial but my mom wore a firm scowl no smile from the vice-principal could possibly break.

We went back to his office, with the door shut, and each took a seat. I took the one closest to my mom because it put a buffer between Aceves and my dad.

After some empty courtesies, he told us, “There was some confusion and I wanted to alleviate it for everyone. I’ve received reports from Mr. Chilton and Mr. Bledsoe about the events of yesterday and it’s been determined Kenzie did absolutely nothing wrong. Furthermore, she’s been an exceptional student with no disciplinary record and a commendable attendance record. The first time I saw her was yesterday.”

My mom pushed in, “So, that means she can return to class? She’s already behind.”

He folded his hands in front of him and sighed. “I understand that and I want you to understand I’m entirely sympathetic to Kenzie and I know she wants to be the best student she can be…”

He rattled off the school motto or something and continued, “…But I need to take the entire student body into consideration along with the safety of her classmates. While I have received a release from a physician concerning whether Kenzie has something infectious or which can cause problems with other students….her teachers have confirmed something is going on which needs to be addressed.”

Mom was quick to return to the doctor’s release. Aceves raised his hands and nodded, agreeing, “Yes, I know there’s that, but I’ve also been talking to Wes Betancourt and…their family…about what happened. While what may or may not have happened to other students can’t be absolutely determined, something has happened to Wes, which may have lingering effects.”

A depth charge of ill-feeling sunk into my stomach. Okay. So, those I was sitting with in my biology class returned to normal but not Wes. Not completely.

I probably would’ve known that if I tried to call Wes directly but nuts to that.

I didn’t even think of it. Besides, I didn’t have his number. Not anymore. Well, I had it in at least a hundred pieces before I threw them into the wind. But that was the last time. I wouldn’t have had the courage to call out of the blue anyway.

Before I could ponder my question and swallow it again in doubt and fear, he answered, “I spoke with Wes not too long ago and, aside from the physical effects, he also has some psychological consequences which might keep him out of school for an extended period.”

My entire body felt clammy. I remembered junior high school when a person I sometimes walked home with (because that school was much closer to home) didn’t show up for the walk one day. I learned later he had gotten confused and lost because of a brain tumor inside him. He had it removed but it took many weeks for him to return to class and he had a buzzed haircut with a long, obvious scar on the side of his head. Ever after he had a heaving, shrieking laugh which everyone else found worthy of mockery.

Imagine if he came back to school with a different gender. If it didn’t wear off, then that was what Wes faced.

His family, his friends, and his girlfriend. I didn’t want to meet them. But I still wanted to see Wes.

I wanted to tell him…her…something. Offer some sympathy. What I’d said on the cot felt so frail and empty. I still had nothing more substantial, but I wanted to make up for it by saying it again and again until it somehow helped. All while keeping a respectable distance away. And I wanted, more than anything, for him to reply in one of his massive, obscure words with a wry smile. Just some sign of normalcy.

My parents did their best as my advocates by lashing out in annoyance at Aceves. But he held firm in what he had witnessed and he finally came to his pronouncement, “Because of considerations for the safety of other students and for Kenzie’s own safety, I’d like to prepare special accommodations for Kenzie to enjoy the best possible academic experience.”

Basically, he wanted me out of the large, regular classes or off to the side. Or out of them entirely. My parents reacted with raised voices and much gesturing. I kept my head down and tried to imagine blasting the vice-principal like I’d blasted Wes. But I felt a mental knock-back which triggered even more upset in my stomach.

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Lawyers and calls to the ACLU came up. Aceves raised his hands and told them, “I don’t want this to be a hostile situation. Because these are exceptional circumstances, the district doesn’t have a policy for dealing with whatever it is that’s going on. Ideally, I’d like to work with you three on an adjusted schedule for Kenzie which still allows her to be a full part of the student body with minimal disruption to her life.”

Mom pressed, “And what if we decide not to make any changes? What if we decide Kenzie just comes back to school like normal tomorrow morning?”

He leaned forward at his desk. “Well, Kenzie isn’t suspended or under any other disciplinary action, if I haven’t made that clear. She’s allowed to come into class normally, but her instructors have been made aware of the situation as we know it right now. They will still make adjustments at their discretion to maintain classroom order. But I’d like to draw up a plan so there are no surprises and Kenzie can feel assured that her rights as a student are being protected.”

Still had that sleazy car salesman feel. There was a point that I had to get up and stretch my legs and rest my thoughts (even though I just said I needed to use the toilet).

I roamed a bit and even walked around outside. Just some lingering clusters of after-school students passed me by. At least I wasn’t recognizable on sight. No one looked my way. When I was about to go back in, I noticed a girl leaning on a railing off to the side. She was behind the counseling department.

I crept closer. The girl before me, with her back turned, wore loose-fitting jeans and a baggy shirt with her hair sprawled all around her head. Cautiously, I called out, “Wes?” She turned slowly, still gripping the railing.

She looked disheveled with dark shading around her eyes. She brushed at her cheek and stared at me. I took two little steps towards her. She gripped the railing tightly with both hands. I held my hands out and asked, “Are you okay?”

A shake of her head came before she found the small, rough words, “I’m not. I’m really not….What do you want?”

I looked away and sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry…I know I said it before. But I don’t know what happened and I never wanted it to happen. Never ever…”

Wes adjusted her shirt carefully and responded, “No matter what you wanted…here’s what’s left of me. Whatever you did. Whatever happened. This is what…happened to me…”

She was holding back crying but her dark eyes looked glossy at the edges. It was hard to watch her, but I wanted her to see my eyes, to let her know I was sincere. And I wanted to try my best to still think of her as the boy I knew, as the boy who was my friend and momentarily more. But I also worried that my gaze might just hurt her.

I pleaded, “I just want to help. If you need someone. Or if you need to talk. Or anything….or whatever.”

She clenched her full lips and said, “...Kill me. Finish me off. That’s…” She looked away with a trembling cheek. I winced and clenched my hands together so tightly they hurt.

Softly, she continued, “You’ve already killed me. Just finish the job...you can’t…you can’t imagine…”

I wanted to urge her to tell me, but I covered my mouth instead. After a few long breaths through her nose, she continued, “Dysphoria. My body is wrong. I feel…mutilated. Every person who looks at me, it’s like they’re…staring at my skinless, raw wounds. There’s no escape even when I go to sleep. That’s what you did…”

Each word felt like a tangible, psychic punch. I quivered and had to hold onto a railing of my own before my knees gave way. I nodded quietly. It was me. I’d done this. I didn’t know how. I didn’t know why. But it was on me. No hiding from it.

Wes, now so small, crouched even smaller as she clung to the railing. I had no words to answer those. All I could say was, “You’re right. But I don’t know what to do now.”

I was afraid she’d go back to her death wish and ask me for pills. I’d talked to him in the past about the medicine I took for allergies and other things. I had some old ones. I didn’t know what I’d say if she asked me for enough for an overdose.

But all she said was, “I don’t…I don’t fucking know either. Shit…fucking fuck…” She cursed with barely more than a breath and her teeth clenched. It was impossible to hide her tears now. I wanted to hug her and offer more, but I knew my presence wouldn’t help. So, I gave her as much space as she needed as my way of showing I cared.

Eventually, she pushed herself up to her feet again. She took a deep breath, stared at me, and said, “I forgive you. No matter what you did or thought. No matter our arguments we’ve had. No matter anything. I have no idea what happened but…I believe you…didn’t mean it. It’s okay. I forgive you and accept your apology, whether it matters or not…”

I could see the strain as she spoke. They were clearly difficult words, but I appreciated them. It may not have mattered one way or the other, but I felt a weight ease off me with her words.

And she added, “But…please…don’t talk to me again. I can’t deal with it. Not right now. I don’t know if I can deal with any of this….Fuck. But…I’m standing.”

I dipped my head and thought about what that little girl in Abby Longbloom cosplay said. I might not have been able to imagine Wes’s situation, but I saw and felt the courage it took her to speak to and stand before me. I told her, “You are. But know you have my support. Always and whenever you need it. And I promise I’ll leave you alone….If that’s what you need.”

And that was that. She looked depleted of words, so all I got back was a slight nod of her head. She made her way back inside and so did I.

Despite several offers by Aceves and others who came, I didn’t budge on keeping my schedule and neither did my parents.

I would go to school like normal in the morning.

As if I still had some faint hope that ‘normal’ was still possible.

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Art by Alexis Rillera/Anirhapsodist