EIGHT: CODE
Despite the painfully agonizing ordeal creating a character for Lars had been, what came next was even worse. The two men, not only products of different generations, but of vastly unique life experience, had—for the lack of a better phrase—dick in common. Which was funny, because they were both men and said appendage was literally the only thing they had in common.
Lars Ochre’s passions were mainly wrestling, simple carbohydrates, and powdered sugar, while Finn Murphy was what you could call a thinking man. Finn certainly wasn’t interested in the more physical aspects of life, mostly because of the genetic short straw he drew when he began his. He liked science, math, reason, and logic—subjects that Lars knew were important but brought him no joy. Yet, despite having nothing in common, the two men faced a challenge almost as old as awkward friendship itself: trying to decide what game to play.
Finn pointed. “What about this one? This is one the one I was playing the other night. Lots of fun.”
“Dungeon in a Dungeon?” Lars frowned. “That sounds stupid.”
“Okaayyy. How about this one?”
“Dungeon Outside a Dungeon? What the hell does that even mean?”
“Fine." Finn spun a finger. "Let’s do… Dungeon Dungeon then.”
“No.”
"Dungeon Dungeon Revolution?"
"No."
"Rock Dungeon."
"What?" Lars gave a shake of head. "No."
"Dungeon Hero?"
"No!"
“Why? It's awesome! It has a cool little questline where you get to rescue a halfling princess from a mind flayer! You can loot a sweet legendary mace named Mourning Bar from its corpse!”
Lars shrugged. “Just doesn’t sound like fun, kid.”
Finn handed him the tablet. “Fine, just pick one.”
Lars scrolled through the screens with a giant finger, then jabbed it down with a flourish. “Here! This one! It’s perfect!”
“Lemme see!” Finn snatched the tablet back. “Huh. Pro Dungeon Impact. Grapple through the bowels of the underworld as you attempt to win the ultimate prize and make your deepest desires a reality. No holds bard. Wow, that's terrible. Warning: instance is currently in Beta. Early access code required.”
Lars raised his eyebrows. “Well?”
“They used a clever little overused pun in the description. I'll give them that. You know what, big guy? I really don’t care at this point. I would totally load us in right now if I could, but I can’t.”
“Why?”
“Like the description says, it’s in Beta and you need an early access code. We obviously don’t have the early access code.” He sighed. “I hate to say it, but we have to keep looking.”
Lars held up a hand. “Not so fast, kid. We can figure this out.”
“Are you mental? There’s no way we can figure out an early access code! It’s most likely a series of random letters, numbers, and symbols.”
The big man raised a finger. “Don't get your knickers twisted before you know if you need drawers, remember? Just let me think on it for a moment.”
Finn rolled his eyes. “Oh, sure. No problem. Not like I’m literally wasting my already shortened lifespan here. But out of curiosity, do me a favor and explain your reasoning. For my entertainment, please.”
“Well.” Lars considered. “From the name, Pro Dungeon Impact is clearly a wrestling, uh, quest or whatever you call it. So, the access code has to be wrestling related.”
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“I… can’t argue with your logic, but that still doesn’t help get access. Even if your assumption is accurate—which it isn’t—we would not only need to know the phrase but also the spacing and capitalization.”
“Yeah, that's true.” Lars rubbed his chin. “Try piledriver.”
"That was a quick guess. I guess we're doing this." Finn twisted his face in annoyance, then chewed on his lip, giving the impression he was considering the challenge. After a pause, he leaned forward and hovered his thin fingers over has tablet. “You’re going to have me try a bunch of random wrestling phrases, aren’t you?”
“Just do it!”
Finn shrugged and typed it in. “Nope.”
“Hmmm. Try… leg drop!”
Finn typed it in. “Nope, again.”
“Okay, okay. At least that helps narrow it down, right?”
“No comment. No flipping comment. Okay, one comment. This is starting to bore me.”
“We've barely even covered the first page of the move book! Let’s see. Time to get serious, Ogre. What could it be?" Lars paced and spoke as he drove his fist into his palm. "What! Could! It! Be!”
“You know I’m only going to try one more time, right?”
Lars ignored him. “Aha! I have it. It’s my move! Or at least what I based my finisher on. It has to be! It’s the only thing that makes sense!”
“None of this makes any fudging sense, Lars.” Finn sighed. “Fine. What’s your last guess?”
“Brainbuster. The early access code is brainbuster!”
The kid gave him a sideways glance, closed his eyes for a moment, then typed it in. “Here comes strike three… and… I can’t believe I’m still doing this… brainbuster.”
Lars leaned forward to glimpse the screen, but Finn tilted it away from him. He grunted one of the low and deep ones that always told the crowd The Ogre meant business. “And?”
“...”
“Well?”
Finn drew in a sharp breath. “It…”
“C’mon, kid. Don’t leave me hanging, Finnegan!”
“...worked.”
***
No less than seven and a half minutes later, Lars and Finn stood fully decked out in their respective haptic suits and ready for the big man’s first adventure in the digital world of Dungeon.
“Finn?”
“Yeah, big guy?”
He cleared his throat. “Are you worried about these headsets, like, giving us a shock or anything? From the spill?”
Finn snorted. “No, they’re really well made. And we already know they work. Digital Interactive Kinetic Synergy has one of the best reputations for quality control in the business. Plus—”
“Wait a minute.” Lars waved his hands sideways. “Wait a goddamn minute, kid. Are you really telling me the company that made these headsets couldn’t come up with a better acronym than DIKS?”
“There's nothing wrong with it.” Finn raised an eyebrow. “And the collection of words they used to name their company is actually quite clever. Not that I would expect you to understand anything clever or anything.”
“Oh, I completely agree!” Lars chuckled. "Quite clever! And I’m sure the clever marketing executive that came with it is up in his top-floor apartment counting his obscene bonuses and laughing til the cows come home while he thinks about all the gamer kids out there happily strapping DIKS to their foreheads.”
Finn’s face went flat. “Oh, that is pretty bad, isn’t it?”
“Yea—”
“Who the fudge cares? Now strap those DIKS to your forehead and get ready for your first taste of Dungeon, Lars. I’m booting up the interface as we speak!"
Lars raised a finger and jabbed it in Finn's direction. “Just so you know, I hate getting shocked. If I get shocked I’m making you—well, let's just hope you don’t have to find out.”
“You won’t! But even if you do, it’s just a little electricity. Don’t be such a sissy, macho man!”
“Hey! You leave Randy Savage out of this! That man is a legend that died before his time!”
“That’s not anywhere near what I meant, Lars. You have some serious anger problems, big guy.” Finn paused, and a little snort slipped out. “Maybe you should, I dunno, snap into a Slim Jim?”
“Har-har. Not only are you a whizz kid that brews his own health potions, you’re also a budding comedian." Lars stared at the wall a minute, like he was considering whether to clobber his new assistant, then his body relaxed. When he spoke, his tone was soft. Far softer than anything Finn had heard so far. "Kid, not many people talk to me like you do. I’ve alway been so big that most people move out of my way, or get silent when I’m around. I’m not saying I exactly like you giving me the business because you’re... fucking relentless. But... it’s kind of nice, you know? I just wanted to tell you that.”
“Aww, shucks! You’ve made me weak at the knees, Lars!” Finn grinned. “So much so that I’ve had to sit down in this chair!”
Lars shook his head. “Dammit, kid. Didn’t your uncle ever teach you how to take compliments?”
“Uncle Billy tried.” He nodded to Lars, tapped a few times on his table, and slid the headset over his eyes. “Get ready. It’s game time.”
Lars slid his headset down over his eyes and waited.
“I’m going to load in first, and I’ve slaved your headset to load you in ten seconds after I do. It can be a little disorienting the first time you load in—new sensations in an unfamiliar format—so it helps to have someone you know already in. It gives you a familiar face to focus on, if you will.”
Lars nodded. “Got it.”
“Now get ready for the wildest ride of your life, Lars Ochre. Loading in… now!”