you don’t seem to understand

what makes us human

subtle losing

slow living, closed eyes, reluctant breathing,

remembered songs. lyrics that say

i miss------------you don’t seem to understand

i might hurt you. i might forget why

i--------don’t want to be here. broken glass in the back

seat of my car.--------my haven invaded, closed eyes

slow breaths, shudder,--------kind water of my soul

wiping eyes---------between traffic lights, between then

and now,-----------between why and how do I move on?

head leaning back on black leather, closed eyes,

slow breathing, slammed fists, screaming, welcome

to class, glad-----you could join us.-----------head back on white

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walls, closed eyes. slow breathing------------i don’t

want to be here. stranger in a strange land. pretender.

you’re not the first-------to wear that garment. to don the cloth

of my wandering attention. to suffer my affection. guilty

predilection. who would read the under text

“I’m sorry,” on white paper, scrawled letters, closed

eyes, slow breathing. heart-----healing interrupted, fantasy

corrupted by “why,” why. why misunderstanding. why continue

why-----return to concrete images. i sit in a molested vehicle

cold unmoving watching a tree in a place you parked

once-----at my suggestion-----leaves basking, swaying

hands in my hair, praying, it worked for your-----blood.-----“promise me”

works for mine. falling, fading, replaying, until i’m gone, until

slow breathing---------slow----------slow-------------slow

until i’m done. hands reaching, fingertips touching-----------dark eternity

but that’s unfair to you.-------------do you eat?

are you still walking-----------running--------------climbing-----------trying

believing------------in the goodness of wo-man-kind---------the self-induced changes

to brain chemistry---------cold showers-----------morning light--------dopamine

detox-----------achievement of small victories--------like one more day----alive

are you still eating? still smiling, still trying---------still---------still-------still

are you back with your parents in half-mooned, half-listened-to------half-how-did-you

let this happen again, again? do your friends listen--------------do you speak

do you eat?------i am losing-------all sense------direction---------may i quit

at your discretion? you made me promise---------but you don’t seem to understand

i tried floating in a senseless chamber-------i tried breathing, sweeping my soul

clean. i bent at the waist and let myself melt into the grass; the grass where

you studied-------and i distracted you-------and you laughed and we climbed a tree

and sang taylor swift’s melodies------and i don’t know-----if i can be here anymore

if i can handle------this promise you made me make-----to myself