Echo chamber. Sense. The sunken.
Sometimes I wish I didn't ache and crave and throb for companionship and connection the way I do. It would be so much easier to be alone if my heart didn't know what it doesn't have. Instead here I lie, aching, dreaming, wishing, wanting, what for a pair of arms to lay in, a mind to bond and speak with, hands to hold and lips to kiss, head to spread, love to share. Instead, here, I sit. Waiting. Wondering. Wishing. For what could have been and what might yet be.
I feel like I'm going to rip myself apart
I'm lonely and bored and understimulated and overstimulated and depressed and frustrated and anxious and tired and wired and annoyed and exhausted and isolated and hot and cold and and and and and.
I want to not but yet want to be
But I don't want to be me
I want to be someone else be with someone else
No longer alone in my head in my body in mind soul spirit
I hunger to be sated, but I cannot sate my hunger.
How do I quell my mind where do I find peace upon this earth
Or off it
Do I need to escape the prison of my mind the prison of my body the prison of my own devising
How does one escape a prison predicated upon all of society reality the chemicals in our brain that tell us what we see feel experience observe know learn think.
I don't know. I don't. Know. Know I don't.
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How do I care when everything around me hurts aches bruises cuts breaks
How do I reach into the tangle of thorns and pluck out someone's heart
How do I do
How do I be
How do I me
How do I you
Sleep. Close your eyes. Take a rest they say. Get some sleep they say. Well I say sleep can come get some say. Put your fists up gloves on ding ding go go go go. Knockout round.
Grabbing shuteye or getting grabbed by shuteye, eyes shut either way, but shut eyes can't protect from sore sights.
Breath. Breath deep. Deep breaths. Over and over and over and under. Breath. Breath. Inhale exhale inhale exhale. A sigh for sore eyes. A sigh for sore face sore body sore mind. One sigh two sigh when does the sighing stop. When does the breathing end and the living begin.
//break//
//break//
//break//
You break it you buy it, or so they say. But who buys me when I get broken.
Down
Broken. Down.
Under the weight under the pressure
Crushing compressing condensing
More More More More More
Until you break. Until you can't buy no more.
Until you can't take no more pressure no more stress no more bull no more shit. Not one single thing. The surface tension maxed.
Drip.
Drop.
Splash.
Shedding layers losing layers breaking off one by one by one. Except here the onion does the crying. sheds the tears the layers the burns the pains the scars.
How many layers do you have to shed. How much skin do you have to lose. What's their price. Their pound of flesh their gallon of blood.
Blood.
Flows like water like wine like sweat like tears.
Drip.
Drop.
Splash.
Blood makes connections makes family. Blood ends family. Blood lines end lined with blood.
Blood is family
But blood has a price family has a price a cost a sum
Love has no price
Love is beholden to no thing
No being
No one
No law no land no sky no sea
No one. Nothing.
Love is beyond family beyond blood beyond flesh.
Transcendent