I want to be noticed, but I want to be invisible at the same time.

I want people to care, but I want to be left alone at the same time.

How can I be sane when I have polar opposite desires warring within my soul every day? Every morning I wake with a small hope that things will be different, that I won’t feel this constricting; confining fear and I would be able to look at a person and not wonder how badly I am going to disappoint them. This fear isn’t rational. It’s not logical. Yet, it’s there; taunting and tormenting me. It’s my demon but I’m sure it’s someone else’s demon too. Shunned from society because we’re shy. Let me tell you something. We don’t ask to be overly sensitive to other’s thoughts and feelings. We don’t wish to be so alone. However; we are. We are judged and bullied and sometimes even despised because we’re thought of as selfish, prissy and cold-hearted. We don’t fit into society so we’re left outside like the oddity that we’re perceived as. No one thinks to ask us how we feel. No one bothers to think that we are scared or that we really do want to play that same game the other kids are playing. I don’t pretend to know everything because honestly; there’s not a soul on this Earth that can say "I Know Everything". You’ll know more than others but those others will know things that you may not know or even think differently than yourself.

See the thing with Social Anxiety is that those of who are perceived as being shy or uncommitted to the people around them are generally scared. That’s not to say that being shy is the true symptom of Social Anxiety. It’s a disorder that’s rather difficult to put into words but I’ll give it my best shot in accordance to how I, myself; feel. Keep in mind that it’s different for everyone but in ways similar to just being shy the main difference between the two is the debilitating fear that prevents those with Social Anxiety to willingly seek another’s companionship or if they are; they have a hard time conveying their feelings clearly. In my case, I have an overwhelming fear of disappointing people and at the same time have a need to help everyone around me. I fear judgment and take criticism poorly. My self-confidence and self-worth are always low and though I don’t mean to piss people off with my abrasive and uncaring tone concerning myself; that’s what I always seem to do. I take a “don’t talk about myself” approach and genuinely focus on the person that came to me for help or just needed someone to listen to their problems. If asked how I feel about something I become vague and evasive because I don’t want to disappoint them with my answers. People think that I’m an attention-whore or that I’m needy and clingy and perhaps I am. I don’t pretend that I’m perfect because I’m far from it. I just hide how I feel so that I don’t burden others. I don’t want pity. I don’t want sympathy. My only wish is for people to understand or at least try to.

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For me; talking to someone is the hardest thing I do, especially if I don’t know them. My throat closes up and my breathing becomes shortened and shallow. My face becomes flushed and I can feel my skin heating up into an uncomfortable level. My face becomes drained of all color despite the warmth and my eyes take on a glassy look. My vision is narrowed down to a pinpoint and I have black dots dancing in front of them. It also triggers my more painful migraines which also causes all of these symptoms to appear so I can always just say that “it’s just a migraine” and blow it off. I don’t like admitting that I have this... disability. I’ve ignored it for years and it’s only gotten worse. I fear even my own family but I don’t show it to them. To them I’m just a lazy half-grown woman with no real desires to make her life “right”. To them I have commitment issues. To them I am a disappointment and it only makes it harder to admit that I have social anxiety and that I’m not lazy or shy.

All of these things lead to being isolated, terrified and most of all depressed. I began to hate myself more and more as the years went by. I feel as though I am worth nothing, that I don’t deserve this existence that I call life. Yet I still walk this lonely road carrying the small torch of hope that maybe one day I can change this, that there is something within me worth fighting for. I don’t have much to hope for anymore, and my thoughts grow darker every day. I fight it but there’s only so much strength a person has. My friends help me when they can when I give them a small glimpse into my aching soul but they are thousands of miles away. I have no friends that live close by. Yes, I have a lot of online friendships but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t as real as any friend that is physically closer. I said it before - I don’t want pity. I want people to understand me and perhaps through me they can understand a little of this very real problem. It’s not rational, it’s not logical but it’s very real and people suffer from it.