01/01/20~~
Professor Quietus Vlog Transcript:
Hello! My name is Professor Quietus, and I will one day rule the world! Mwahahahaha- Ahem. Sorry. Very unprofessional of me.
Anyhoo, I am here today to tell you of my Ultimate Plans for taking control of the human race! Behind me you will see… Let me get my camera focused… Aha! Now you will see a giant satellite dish, which I have constructed on the roof of my hou-lair! Of my evil lair, deep in the desert. Very, very far out in the middle of nowhere.
Never mind where it is! My dish will send up a signal which will then be broadcasted all over the earth! It will affect everyone, getting into their brains, and making them extremely susceptible to suggestions! My suggestions! And then I will tell everyone to make me leader of the earth! A fool-proof plan!
Mwahahahaha!!!!
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05/01/20~~
Transcript of NPR News Report:
World peace has been achieved at last! Scientists say that the strange sound we all heard a mere four days ago has altered our brains, making humans, dolphins, and all other highly intelligent creatures on the planet calmer, more open to reasoning, and overall nicer. Worldwide the crime rate has plummeted, and police are reporting a sharp 83% drop in calls. But more importantly, over the past four days all wars and civil unrest have come to a peaceable close.
For the first time in human history, there are no major conflicts anywhere on the globe.
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23/03/20~~
Professor Quietus Vlog Transcript:
Hello! I am Professor Quietus, and soon I will be in complete control of the world! Mwahahahaha!
I know that my last plan didn’t quite go as expected… at all… but that does not mean I am about to give up! On the contrary! I have behind me a terrible device, one capable of creating -pauseforeffect- A WORMHOLE!!!
Yes, you heard me right, a wormhole! I will put it in the middle of the Pacific Ocean! Well, not the exact middle, more like a couple hundred miles off the coast of California, because the Pacific Ocean is huge and figuring out where the middle is is hard.
But anyway! Yes! I will put a wormhole in the ocean, sucking away the water, sending it into the sun, and when they figure out I plan on draining the oceans, leaving this planet a dry husk, they will beg me to put an end to it! They will give me anything! Including rulership of the planet!
You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.
Mwahahahaha!!!
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28/03/20~~
Transcript of NPR News Report:
Five days ago a mysterious wormhole appeared over what is known as the Pacific Garbage Patch, and has steadily been sucking all the plastics and contaminants in our beautiful ocean out into a part of space scientists have determined to be very near the sun. Twenty countries bordering the Pacific Ocean have donated what were previously their naval ships to the effort of collecting all the garbage floating on the surface of the ocean and pushing it towards the wormhole.
Scientists have been studying the phenomenon, and have come to the conclusion that not only will the ocean be cleared of garbage within the next two years, but with the data collected from the wormhole interstellar travel may be possible in our lifetimes.
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07/07/20~~
Professor Quietus Vlog Transcript:
Hello! Ok so I know my last project didn’t have quite the effect on the world I hoped it would, but whatever. And yes, I have handed control of the wormhole to the Canadian government. They asked the nicest, and gave me this cool “Shave the Whales” t-shirt. I mean, who could resist a pun like that? Besides, keeping it open was just way too much electricity, my bills have been through the roof.
But enough about the past! I have come up with another, even more brilliant plan for world domination! I have created a plant, which you can see behind me! It has practically filled up the entirety of my lab. How long did it take to grow this large, you may ask? One full day! That’s right, I have created a massive bush that, when planted precisely thirty-seven centimeters underground, will grow to this immense size in merely twenty-four hours! I have chartered a plane to take me over California, where I will drop thousands of these seeds in little capsules. The capsules are designed to dig into the earth to the desired depth, then release the seeds. Soon they will cover the state, and when people see what havoc I can wreak they will give me control of the whole country!
Mwahahahaha!!!
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10/07/20~~
Transcript of NPR News Report:
On Tuesday morning a new species of plant began to cover the state of California, seemingly appearing from nowhere. At first scientists were alarmed, but many now see them as a miracle.
The large bushes grow extremely quickly, going from sprout to fruit-bearing in one day. The fruits have been declared edible while raw, high in protein and fiber, with a slight coconuty flavor. Their large leaves are already helping to clear the atmosphere in the state, and are apparently almost entirely resistant to fire.
Scientists have found that the plants are incapable of reproducing on their own, so they can’t become an invasive species. They are freely sharing the seeds with any country that has a food shortage, or any that is at risk of rampant wildfire.
In a few years famine and wildfires may be things of the past.
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19/09/20~~
Professor Quietus Vlog Transcript:
Hello! Yes, I know my plans haven’t quite worked out as I planned, but this one will! I promise!
On the table in front of me you will see an old cat and a syringe. Observe!
Meow! Hiss! Mrrow! Purrr!
As you can see, this formula has not only stopped but reversed the aging process in the cat! This cat is now effectively immortal! I have been working tirelessly over the past few months to replace every flu shot in the country with this formula! Soon people will realize they are growing younger, and will beg me to reverse the process! When they realize I have cursed them with immortality they will hand over control of the government to me in return for a cure!
My plan is flawless!
Mwahahahaha!!!