Thomas sat out in the rain. Blood was leaking from the stumps where his legs used to be. He had no way to get to a hospital. Nobody was outside, and even if he did find someone, he’d need to explain why his legs were bloody stumps. He’d sustained injuries before, but he’d been able to classify those as minor accidents. This? This was something people would probably look into. He had started to make the facial motions of crying, but there weren’t any tears. Suddenly, he flipped open his Unit and gave Blair a call. She would help. They were friends. She just picked up. See, she’d help. “Blair? Are you there?” Thomas asked, his voice quivering in pain.

“I found out about you and the Krokodils.” Blair’s voice was stone cold.

“What?”

“I know you’re working for them. I know they bought you with Chorus, I know you’re out working for them right now.”

“Blair, please. This isn’t the time I’m really, really—”

“You lied, Thomas. You said we were going to take them down, you said you were like the hero you used to be. You said you were out of the game, Thomas. But now I know that you’re killing for money—for the people you said you were going to take down! I risked my life for you! I saved your life, too. I didn’t need to come back for you when you went to prison.”

“Oh, yeah? Well, I didn’t need to save you when you had a block of concrete fall on your head because you were so fucking focused on killing me that you didn’t even notice!”

“Do you know why? Because you pretended to be my friend and then you lied. Just like what you’re doing now. You’re a liar, Thomas. You lie to people, and you live in a fantasy world, and you do horrible things to keep that fantasy going. Tell me: does your boyfriend know that you kill people for money? Does he?”

“What the fuck did you just say?”

“Does he, Thomas? I don’t think he does. Piotr and I were out worried sick about you today, we thought you were in danger. And then I find out that you’re killing for Chorus again.”

“I didn’t do it for the Chorus. I did it to protect you!”

“With all due respect, Thomas, I don’t believe you. It didn’t have to be this way . . .” And without another word, Blair hung up.

Thomas could see she was riding out somewhere. He could hear the wind and rain as she whipped down the empty footpaths through Neonight. Where was she going?

“Phantrana, are you listening?”

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The rainy alleyway became a bright purple and black grid again. “You don’t look so good, Thomas,” Phantrana’s overlay of voices echoed.

“Wow, really?” Thomas paused. “I’m sorry I’m just really scared. I fucked it up, Phantrana. Blair was right. I lied about everything. I lied to the people who I was supposed to be protecting. I lied to the people who protected me. There’s nobody in the world who knows me, Phantrana. Who knows who I am. They only know bits and pieces of me—tiny chunks of who I am—because I hide everything away. Do I even know myself? I can’t fucking do this anymore, Phantrana!” Thomas shouted, tears and rain streaming down his face as he downed the Chorus he had brought with him to remember the path through the caverns.

Chorus only plays the memories you’re thinking about as you drink it. And Thomas couldn’t stop thinking about the phone call. And the rain afterwards.

“I found out about you and the Krokodils.”

“What?”

“I know you’re working for them. I know they bought you with Chorus, I know you’re out working for them right now.”

“Blair, please. This isn’t the time I’m really, really—”

“You lied, Thomas. You said we were going to take them down, you said you were like the hero you used to be. You said you were out of the game, Thomas. But now I know that you’re killing for money—for the people you said you were going to take down! I risked my life for you! I saved your life, too. I didn’t need to come back for you when you went to prison.”

“Oh, yeah? Well, I didn’t need to save you when you had a block of concrete fall on your head because you were so fucking focused on killing me that you didn’t even notice!”

“Do you know why? Because you pretended to be my friend and then you lied. Just like what you’re doing now. You’re a liar, Thomas. You lie to people, and you live in a fantasy world, and you do horrible things to keep that fantasy going. Tell me: does your boyfriend know that you kill people for money? Does he?”

“What the fuck did you just say?”

“Does he, Thomas? I don’t think he does. Piotr and I were out worried sick about you today, we thought you were in danger. And then I find out that you’re killing for Chorus again.”

“I didn’t do it for the Chorus. I did it to protect you!”

“With all due respect, Thomas, I don’t believe you. It didn’t have to be this way . . .”

Thomas woke up again, screaming. “WHAT THE FUCK? That wasn’t supposed to happen! I wanted to go see Dominic, I wanted to go see my friends. Why did it show me that?”

“Thomas—” Phantrana had begun to answer.

“God damn it I’m going to die out in the rain, aren’t I? I lost everyone I love and care about because I’m awful!”

“Thomas, listen to me! You’re spiralling. This isn’t a problem that can be solved by retreating into the past. You need to CONFRONT your problems head-on. And the first problem is that you NEED TO GO TO A HOSPITAL!”

Thomas thought about this. “And then what? They figure out who I am and they throw me in prison? They find out that I didn’t die in the caverns or whatever and that I’m stuck there for the rest of my life? Or what? If they don’t figure me out and they let me go, then what? I keep killing for money and I’m back to square one, isolated and alone? Or maybe I don’t, and I fight the Krokodil Gang, but I have nobody to help me so I die. They won’t let me leave, Phantrana. I’m stuck, and the only way to win is not to play! I have to get out of here. I can’t live in the present anymore! Even Rocky is gone. I thought I had a new friend, a loyal companion who would never leave me, but now I have nobody.”

“You have me, Thomas. You’ve always had me.”

“You’d leave me if you could. You’d do it if you weren’t stuck with me. The way you talk about my mother, will you talk about me that way with your next user? Oh, wait. There will be no next user, huh? Because I don’t have any family. That’s why you want to keep me alive! I know you fucking hate me.”

“I don’t, Thomas. I love you like a son, and I want you to be better than you are because I know you can be.”

“And how do you know that? Is it because I was like that? But as we all know, we can’t just return to the past. You tell me that, don’t you? But the past is dead, Phantrana. It’s literally all dead. Thomas Finn from five years ago? Dead. And soon, I’ll be gone too, although I can only hope it’s permanent.”

“Thomas, don’t say that—” Phantrana’s tone was sympathetic.

“Even the people I’ve dated, people who I thought liked me . . . they only like the fake me. They like me without the nasty shit. They don’t want to be a part of my life. Not even I want to be a part of my life. I’m drinking the rest of it. I’m going there forever, Phantrana.”

“Excuse me. Are you all right?” Thomas looked up, holding the bottle of Chorus in his hands as he prepared to plunge himself into a memory. There was a woman standing in the rain, with long blue hair flowing in the watery wind.