Chapter 33: The Fire in one’s Abyss

Tobias woke up in the morning, as evidenced by the still blue, dark skies that the windows revealed to him. It reminded him briefly about Magnus and his training sessions... especially during winter, when he was woken up before the sun even shone.

... He wouldn’t go so far to say that he missed those days. But admittedly, those days were far simpler than these times right now.

Because he would be lying if he said that his emotions weren’t confusing him. Now that he wasn’t fighting and wasn’t focused on anything... He only felt a hodgepodge of his own emotions swirling within him.

Relief. That he was still alive, and whoever was behind the attacks was finally dead.

Satisfaction. Because whoever did attack them is dead now, and he finally avenged his party.

And that is where the positive emotions ended.

Guilt. For dragging Clara into the endless Abyss that he should have kept to himself. And why... Why was she so fine with the arrangement? Did she forget that she mentioned how her first time going there made her feel terribly isolated and deprived?

Why was she fine with him? Why did she still care about him? Why wasn’t she hating him?

The way she talked to him in that Abyss... Why was she concerned about him? Why was she so... caring about him?

Guilt, again. Hindsight really made him realize how shameless it was to adopt Marcus’ own name, and his supposed ‘ideals’ that Tobias, himself, thought that Marcus would wield. How truly naive he really was...

Worry. He had known this from a long time ago... but the longer he spent time with his friends, the more he forgot about his original quest to begin with.

Every day, his mask of indifference broke, little by little. His former formal, distant, stiff speech softened over time, and his own natural personality slipped past his mask, time and time again. His carefully calculated distance from them grew narrower and narrower, until they were no longer just means to an end.

He really cannot deny that he didn’t see them as friends now.

Shame. Would... would not dedicating his entire efforts into growing stronger trample upon the teachings of Magnus? And the hard, heartbreaking decision of his mother and his family to let him go and risk his life like this?

He could imagine that if his mother ever knew that he almost died recently, she would break down and cry. And his older half-twin sister, even if he had never seen her cry at all, would she do so for the first time...? His younger siblings might not be aware of what happened to him, but he knew that even his father would be worried.

It was... difficult, if nothing else... This journey seemed impossible to bear alone in the first place. and now that he had allies and friends surrounding him, it was simply too hard to go back... it was hard being alone again.

Would Marcus forgive him if he found new friends to himself?

He didn’t know the answer to his self-imposed question. All he understood... was that his chest felt tight, heavy, and painful.

Not even the pain of training could compare to it. Not even the pain of being smashed by an abyssal creature could compare to it. Not even the pain of being impaled in his stomach could compare to it.

His teeth were gritted together, and his eyes clenched shut. His chest twitched sporadically, as he felt molten-hot tears force themselves out of his eyes. He let out choked, noises of pain which he tried to suppress by gritting his teeth and tightening his throat, but they still escaped.

Yes... he was sobbing.

He could try to push down the feeling all he wanted – but it never stopped, and only seemed to burst even more. It wracked him with pain which was not like any injury he had ever felt before.

Ever since Marcus died, his buried, suppressed, swirling emotions finally exploded, crashing down on him with such violence that he can’t – couldn’t do anything about it but lie down in that bed, and cover his eyes with his hands, as he silently, painfully, slowly sobbed to himself.

And finally, after a few minutes of such experience, a hand softly landed on his head. He removed his hands from his eyes, and carefully opened his stinging, burning eyes.

And there was Clara, who knelt by his side, her arm stretched towards his head.

Her hair was disheveled and were uneven, flowing towards one side, and the obvious redness of her arms indicated that she slept while sitting by his side. He didn’t even bother to care looking around him to see if he would disturb her...

“I... I’m sorry for waking you up.” He croaked, his throat rough and gravelly; his normal morning voice, and from suppressing the noises of his crying. He wiped away his tears with the back of his hand, and he looked away in shame and guilt.

How unsightly of him... Men shouldn’t cry, after all. Maybe he was an outcast because of that sensitivity he had about him...

“It’s alright.” She gently said, and her hand only slowly moved to stroke his head carefully. The gesture was complicated. It was pleasant, and it reminded him of his older sister. But at the same time, it only made his guilt flare up.

He craned his neck carefully to glance at her. And once again, he noticed that she was just by his side – kneeling, really. “Are you... alright just kneeling there?”

“I’m alright.” She replied back, and gave a subtle glance towards his stomach. “I’m not exactly the one who almost died now, right? So I don’t mind staying here.”

“I see...” He murmured to himself. Clara only looked back at him, and those abyss-colored eyes were heavy with compassion and empathy. “You’re not... going to ask me why I’m like this?”

“I will, if you trust me.” She replied back. Her eyes gazed up to meet his, her black eyes still filled with compassion towards him. “Do you trust me?”

He looked away from the gaze with uncertainty. “You’ve been with me in the Abyss... You showed me a new horizon for my own personal quest, and most importantly, you are my friend... So what kind of question is that...?”

“Even until now, your answer is still indirect, as always.” She smiled to him. A subtle smile, with a certain air of innocence and purity behind it. “Then you can tell me what you feel, and I will do my best to listen to you.”

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So he did.

He spoke carefully and hesitantly at first, but she never seemed to care about how long it took him to articulate his thoughts. And then, he slowly started to tell her what went through his mind, and she bore with it without saying a single word.

But her eyes showed that she paid much attention to him, and flashed with different emotions depending on what he told her.

Nostalgia, when he told her of his village and his family. Concern, when she heard of how he’d been training under Magnus. Melancholy, when he finally told her about the story of Marcus.

“So that’s why you called yourself Marcus...” She whispered, and he let out a small nod. She looked down at the sheets, and while Tobias couldn’t see her expression, he knew that she must have been thinking to herself.

“It’s... pretty bad, isn’t it? Imagine using your dead friend’s name to hide behind in...”

“Maybe it is.” She admitted, and then gave his shoulder a reassuring pat. “But on the other hand... You tried to embody his noble ideals, did you not? You could have started completing all of those quests which could help you grow stronger, but you went for those quests which people usually ignore. Those quests which helped individuals in need, didn’t you?”

“It’s...” He blinked, and his words died out in his mouth. He didn’t have anything to continue that thought with. No, he simply doesn’t want to continue anymore.

This girl... Clara had already followed him to his own personal Abyss. To demand and to challenge her anymore would be simply too... heartless of him.

And maybe she was right. Maybe he was just senselessly beating himself up for these thoughts...

Her hands moved to touch his own hands. Her touch was gentle, and tender, and had a warmth that he didn’t know a person could have... No. He simply forgot the warmth of a person’s touch, with how long he’s pushed people away to arm’s length at most...

“You did everything you could. You don’t have to be alone now.”

He looked her hand, which gently rested on top of his. And then, he gave her a small, faint smile, which must have been the most crooked of smiles he had ever given.

“Thank you.”

...

It must be noted that after that conversation, they only literally stared at each other for the longest time, while their hands were still touching.

Needless to say, when Bastille woke up, he saw this.

And then he took this opportunity to tease them. He is a merciless bastard like that, after all.

***

“So Marcus is... was your friend?” Bastille let out a wince at his wording. That came off as excessively insensitive, even for his standards.

But unsurprisingly, Tobias answered the question with a serious nod. Seriously... this guy who used and wore his (dead) best friend’s name just so he wouldn’t forget his own, personal mission...

It was oddly respectable, in its own, twisted way. Ignoring the incredibly weird social connotations and moral ambiguity of such decision there, the fact that he tried to go on such a dangerous quest for his friend alone is... it was a stress which a normal fifteen-year-old boy shouldn’t bear.

The fact that he was indifferent all this time made sense now. It must have been his own way of dealing with the stress of such an important decision he made.

“So the Abyss linked your soul with Clara’s and gave you RPG – I mean, gave you a System?” Bastille asked, and both of the individuals involved shared a look, then proceeded to think about it. There was no embarrassment, even from Clara, and she only seemed to ponder at the question.

“I guess.” Tobias replied for the both of them, letting out a nod.

The Sorcerer let out an amused grin, looking towards the Archer who stayed silent. “What a solid deal, don’t you think? Not only do you have System Powers, but the Abyss wasn’t kidding when they offered to make Clara your wife.”

“Y-you really didn’t have to say it like that!” And there it was, the embarrassment that he expected from Clara. Her eyes were set into a glare, while her cheeks were noticeably flushed.

But her eyes showed hesitation – almost as if she was considering the joke to be appropriate.

Bastille blinked. He was no expert in love, and instead studied science and magic. But he could tell when someone was infatuated, at the very least. He idly turned to Tobias, who only stared back with a neutral gaze, as if he expected a question from the Sorcerer.

Just what the hell happened between these two? No... now that he thought about it properly... She always did glance towards Tobias every now and then ever since they started their adventures together, from the very beginning.

“Question.” Jacques spoke up, for the first time since the discussion. His eyes were narrowed, and his back was straightened. He was completely serious, and Bastille let out a small gulp at the aura he exuded. Tobias only gave a neutral gaze back, expecting him to ask his question, while he seemed completely unfazed. “You... What are you going to do from now on?”

Tobias idly blinked back. Then he gave a small, wry smile. “Should I really spell it out to you? There’s a reason why I told you everything.”

“Spell it out, then.” Bastille retorted back. “I keep saying this for a reason, after all. I’m only smart when it comes to magic and studying, and I’m not good with reading social contexts and undertones. So isn’t it only right for you to spell it out loud for us?” He finished, with a wry grin of his own.

Tobias blinked, before he sighed to himself.

“I’m not going to give up on my mission. Not now, and not ever.” Tobias announced, without an inch of hesitation. “But I’m not gonna leave this party, either. It’s probably selfish coming from me, but would you guys follow me in my mission?”

“Not just ‘probably’. It’s hella selfish coming from you.” The Sorcerer replied back. “You’re asking us to basically go on higher ranked quests with you, just so you can get stronger. That’s hella selfish, if I say so myself.”

“I see...” Tobias cast his gaze downwards, as if regretting saying his words.

“But... That being said, you never ever asked for anything from us. I’d be even more selfish if I just denied your one request from me.” Bastille finished, with an outstretched hand and a grin on his face.

Tobias looked at the hand with surprise, before grabbing it with a clap, and gave it a firm shake. He also bore a smile on his face, and his eyes were thankful towards the Sorcerer.

And then the Soldier turned towards the Swordsman. Tobias’ closest confidant when it came to speaking the language of battle, and the person he trusted his back with the most during battle was none other than Jacques.

“You told us one hell of a story, which makes me want to believe that you hit your head while you were a child.” Jacques said, his voice completely serious despite the words he spoke. His eyes were narrowed, and for the shortest while, Bastille thought they burned white. Then Jacques grinned, and everything became normal once more. “What am I saying is, you’ve never bullshitted us, not even once. So this is all probably real, even if some parts may have been edited so you don’t make yourself look completely insane, at least.”

Bastille snickered at the verbal jab towards him.

“I accept your request then, Tobias.”

With those words, the Swordsman extended out his right hand. It was still wrapped with bandages, so Tobias didn’t quite just strongly grab it, and didn’t firmly squeeze it. Jacques let out an appreciative hum, then gave a nod of respect towards him.

And then, everyone turned to look at Clara. She flinched from the sudden attention which shifted towards her.

“W-what do you want from me? I agreed to him before all of you did...” She stammered weakly, and tried to make herself smaller.

“Come on, we want to hear it from you.” Jacques said. “We’re still a party, and I would be a terrible party leader if I just roped you in without hearing what you have to say.”

“That’s...” She blinked at his words, and then she smiled. A relieved smile, which was completely out of context for everyone involved. “I understand, then. I have a feeling you’re all going to get yourselves in trouble, so I’m coming with you.”

“Of course. That’s because you’re already married – gah!”

“Yeah... I think you should probably learn how to shut up, Bastille.” Jacques offered unhelpfully, with a grimace. “You’re just begging for it sometimes.”

“Not wrong.” Tobias agreed, nodding sagely. “Clara’s really strong if she wants to be strong, you know.” The advice he offered was just as useless to him. But it was pretty good at sending a subtle wave of embarrassment towards the girl’s face, which was noticed by Bastille.

So even if Bastille was bent to the side, clutching his pained side, he gathered the will to look at them, and he sent them an annoyed glare, while flashing Clara a small teasing grin. Which she replied to by glaring at him.

“Alright. So we all decided to stick with Tobias.” Jacques announced, looking at everyone in the room. Then he gave a pleased nod to all of them. “I’d say let’s go out and celebrate.”

“C-celebrate...!” Clara echoed, and then let out a delighted noise. “Let’s go to that delicious food place!”

“Do you have any idea how little that narrows down into?” Bastille groaned, and when she turned to look at him, he instinctively flinched and braced himself. But there was no elbow which jabbed into his side, thankfully.

“You’re right.” She admitted, and then placed her hand on her chin, and began to think to herself. And then she looked towards Tobias and Jacques. “What do you think? Do you guys have anywhere to go in mind? I’m fine with anything.”

She didn’t even consider asking him for his opinion... Maybe he was bullying her too hard, after all.

Surprisingly, it was Tobias who spoke.

“I want to go to that place where Stella invited me.” He admitted, and then nodded with a pleased expression. “She showed me a place that served really good, exotic drinks. I think Clara would like it.”

“E-exotic drinks...?”

Sheesh, Clara. You’re already drooling, calm down.

“This is a first from Tobias.” Jacques said, nodding to his suggestion. “Alright, if it’s recommended by Stella – I mean Tobias, then let’s go pay that store a visit then.”

Bastille let out a snort, which was only met by a sharp glare from their leader. He returned the glare with an amused expression, silently saying ‘What are you gonna do about it’? In turn, Jacques shook his head, no doubt remembering that he was dealing with Bastille of all people.

He had the right idea to back off.

“Let’s go!” She said, and moved to walk towards the door way. But Tobias held her wrist, and she turned towards him with a questioning gaze. “What’s wrong?”

He gestured towards the window. The sun only barely rose in the distant horizon. “It’s still really early today.”

“Oh.” Clara frowned with as much disappointment as you’d expect from a child who was denied a piece of candy.