Press Room, Australian Parliament House, Canberra

I was invited to a famous journalist’s home for a BBQ. I noted that she’d removed the labels on all the condiment bottles and asked why.

She replied, “I like to keep my sauces anonymous.” Grat’s Dad Jokes for all Occasions

For Mary, the last three months had been the most stressful of her career with the AFP. She hadn’t realised that being the head of an officially non-existent department shielded her from a lot of the day-to-day crap. Her section had doubled in size, plus now managing liaison to a half-dozen committees, each with its own agenda, filled with people with their own agendas and working for different organisations, often with competing agendas, was piling stress onto stress.

As a cumulation, here she stood, in a press conference (something she had been able to dodge up until this point in her career), about to be thrown to the piranhas.

Commissioner Anna Roberts moved to the podium and got things started.

“Members of the press, thank you for coming today. We’ve got a strange announcement for you. It is unusual in a dozen different ways, especially as I suspect the long-term flow-on effects will be felt throughout the country for decades to come.

“We’ve had, I suppose you would call it, an experimental department running for a while now and we’ve had enough experience to decide that Australia in general, and the AFP in particular, really needs this department. So, we’re making it official.

“With no further delay, let me introduce Inspector Mary Antonopoulos, Superintendent of the AFP Paranormal Group.”

Mary walked up to the podium said, “Thank you, Commissioner.”

She allowed her peripheral vision to process the crowd. A bunch of bored journalists were forced to do some mental gymnastics as they brains tried desperately to catch up to what was happening. Paranormal? What?

“The Paranormal Group is tasked with investigating reports of paranormal and supernatural activity. From this investigation, we determine if a crime has been committed, which is then referred to the correct law enforcement agency. We also determine if a hoax is being committed and, if so, is it malicious. How can it not be malicious? What do you call the common practice of Scout Troop leaders getting their charges to smear vegemite on their foreheads, telling them that this is required to protect them from Drop Bears? Is this to be considered in the same vein as someone rigging a house so it looks like it’s haunted for financial gain? So, intent is important.

"Most situations we investigate do have straightforward, natural explanations and are so reported. We’ve also referred some eighty odd cases to the AFP criminal investigators, or other law enforcement organisations, for prosecution, covering charlatans, tricksters, embezzlers, and Organised Crime.

The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.

“Thank you, I will now take questions.”

Mary had kept her outside demeanour as calm as she could, but she had been getting more and more nervous as this press conference continued. This had all been done as normal, low key, nothing-to-see-here, as possible, but she could see the change in the reporters she was facing. They had started off as bored and distracted, but it was almost comical to see the reactions as they realised what was being said. Confusion, disbelief, amazement, excitement, all flashed over the various faces. She had gone from a faceless bureaucrat to being at the centre of a bunch of predators. The scene from the end of ‘Naked Gun’ played through her mind, yep, nothing to see here, move along.

She was only really concerned with the single experienced reporter here. Joseph Tabuni was a senior reporter with one of the major on-line news services. Someone, somewhere, must have leaked something for him to be here, or else he’d really annoyed his editor. As soon as he registered for this press conference, warning flags had sounded for everyone involved.

Most of the questions were exactly as expected. Yes, they were serious. No, this wasn’t a joke. No, I can’t comment on any ongoing investigations.

Finally, she had to take a question from Joseph.

“Superintendent, can we assume from the fact that they are putting a Superintendent in charge, that this is considered a major issue within the AFP?”

Mary thought, ‘Damn. No-one else had spotted that. let’s try to dodge and avoid.’

“Here in the AFP, we always take crime seriously.”

“Superintendent, a follow-up question. Can we read anything into the timing of this announcement? Maybe some major revelation, discovery, or crime? Something that you need to lay some groundwork before ’the great reveal’?”

Mary still didn’t externally react, but internally was saying, ‘Damn, damn, double damn with sprinkles on it’. She had workshopped various scenarios with her team and bosses, and this was one of the worse-case ones. She had to be incredibly careful not to cross any lines and mislead. There would be no lies today. But one last attempt to divert was needed.

“I have no control at all of what you read into anything I say.”

Shit! He’s expression had gone from passive to predatory. He smelt blood in the water and was figuratively licking his lips.

“Ma’am, I’m disappointed. That was an evasion, and you know it. Doesn’t the Australian Public deserve some truth here?”

Wow, she was impressed. Pulled the patriot card, the pride card, threw in the female card, all wrapped in a veiled threat.

So, was this the right time? Maybe not, but it wasn’t the worse time. Mary ran through the decision tree they’d decided on. She dared not look at Anna, that would be a giveaway that something was up.

“To put it simply, the trial run of the group has run its course. With nearly a hundred crimes discovered and hundreds of myths proved or debunked, where could we go from here? How can we report on any faked or real paranormal incidents we uncovered unless the Australian people knew about us? Trusted us? So, we are launching an official paranormal activity registry website, which we have preloaded with many of our case files, with names and personnel details redacted as required. The case files that have not been loaded are where there is still an outstanding investigation by Law Enforcement or there is just no value to the Australian Public, but there will be a cost to the victims. We are still deciding if at least some of these other cases will be uploaded later, after checking with the families involved. These will be dealt with on a case-by-case basis. Thankyou.”

Mary turned and walked away from the podium, seeing that the website details were now being displayed on the wall screens. Perfect. The reporters were torn between letting their prey escape and getting a scoop from the website. As she collected Anna on the way out the door, she heard the one shouted question she was waiting for. ‘Are you saying the paranormal is real?’

She stopped, turned around and said, “Of course! Why else would the AFP need a Paranormal Group?”