Lilian was my name, since I was little I managed to survive everything that surrounded me, the dirt of the house, the absurd cleanliness that was limited to smearing the dirt of others, since I was a child I knew I was special, all dirty to follow traditions, I did not look like that, although I pretended to, I bathed in the rivers, my underwear was not beaten until I thought the dirt had peeled off, I heated water and there I removed the excess of dirt before going to the rivers and doing what the others did, I did not want to die, one thing was to be smart and another was to be too intellectual, I owed it all to floating knowledge.
Culture did not exist, it did not matter, we read Phaladine, no matter what the voices said, I believed in Phaladine, I trusted him with my existence, I accepted everything that the God of my people entrusted to us, I only had problems with my marriage. All the girls were interested in Phol, half elf, half human, half idiot, but very wealthy, being the son of the eldest priest, Phol believed that I was a kind of challenge because I looked like a difficult woman, that his sacred duty was to tame me, to make me like the rest of the ladies, having children or losing them every so many months, unfortunately there were not many outlets for a farmer's daughter, there was no other way out than religion.
However, when I met the servants of Phaladine, I gave up being a squat woman who only fulfilled the functions of multiple wives, but when I spied on the training camps of those who aspired to be priests, I noticed that I could perfectly imitate all the healing incantations, this was great, everything seemed to indicate that my Lord had chosen me for a higher task than just opening my legs and preparing the things that would be hunted throughout the day.
The day I presented myself to the head priest, he looked me up and down, at first he insisted that he wanted to see me cleaning the floor of the living room of his house, when I finally made him understand that I did not want to be a servant of the Lord, he was moved to tears, But that didn't make me give up, I asked him to give me a test, the hardest one he could, he laughed, "it doesn't matter if a woman who doesn't know how to clean the floor dies," he said, he told me that the next day we would meet in the exam cave for the curators who were about to graduate.
The next day I went with my white robes, prepared in such a way as those in the service of the Phaladine are distinguished, at the entrance of a dark and rather sinister cave was a rather silly old man who served as master of the education of the students, although most of the time he was asleep, at the back of the cave was the high priest, the test consisted of several exercises designed to see the physical, mental and faith abilities, to see if the aspirants determination was worthy of the holy Lord.
They made me go first, at the entrance of the cave they had a couple of goblins tied up, the cue was clear, we had to inflict enough damage to hold them down while the squad of paladins arrived to rip them apart, I had heard a lot about the holy attacks and I had at least practiced the most important ones, I wanted to impress them, I wanted to impress them, so I focused on Divine Wrath, a high level attack, with little time, even less than most take the holy whip, a column of light rushes over the goblins, evil beings by nature, the impact is terrible, it lights up the whole cave, when they fall you can still see the progressive damage that this enchantment causes, even though they were dead, no one said anything, so I continued.
The second test is the healing test, on the ground are already several knights in the sacred service of Phaladine, all with plate armor, drunk and wounded by some fight or the typical drunkenness, all lost in their faith or lack thereof, the test was to heal the wounds you had to strip these stinking men of their plates, Heal them with magic, close their wounds, then reassemble the armor, avoiding their insinuations or their open brazenness, I have not yet arrived with them and they are already hissing at me or asking me to heal certain "pudendal" parts, I will not go near these brutes! Cure all is the right incantation, it's a bit tiring, it doesn't just wear out the body, it also affects the mind, a slight drowsiness where normally the acolytes collapse from exhaustion, but not me, I'm determined to be the best.
Finally I reach the last phase, at the end the high priest watches me with something like hatred, four meters away from him, from his back he takes out a crossbow, I knew that the last test was about the protection of oneself, but I thought it would be something less intense, I have no more, in a moment he will shout "defend yourself! And I have to be ready, I can't fail in the synchronization, the summoning takes a lot of energy and I have almost no energy left after healing so many warriors, so I just fix my eyes on the weapon, the eyes don't tell me anything, the shoulders might tremble but under so many clothes it's not noticeable, watching his fingers is the only thing I have left, so after tense seconds, the weapon without a shout, without warning, without even a whisper, the dart went straight to my forehead.
Almost by reflex I raise a hand, but instead of covering myself it is to release the protective rune "shield", it varies depending on the will of the person, I have practiced throwing stones in the air and getting under them before they fall, so I expected a soft impact, something like a slight pressure, nothing like the sledgehammer the tip of the crossbow hits me with, but I resist, the impact throws me backwards, still my shield prevails... I passed!
He didn't shake hands with me, they didn't congratulate me or anything like that, while behind my back I heard all the other apprentices suffering for fulfilling the tasks entrusted to them, the high priest was watching me, finally and as if he was throwing poison to some plague, he offered me a wineskin with the ceremonial wine, the only time it is not punished to drink alcohol, I opened it and despite its disgusting smell I took several sips, The taste awakens something in me, but I can't say what, he doesn't ask me for the wineskin, so I don't give it to him, I enjoy watching the failure of the others, they are weak, I can see how they are pestered by the paladins, some of them use weapons to eliminate the goblins, but little by little my conscience becomes diffuse, with the exhaustion and this wine, I'm sure I've tasted this flavor before.
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When I wake up, I find myself in a cave, it's not the one of the trials, that's for sure, I don't know how it all ended, I don't know anything about anything, for some reason my red skin looks great in the moonlight? red skin? I feel like something is missing, I don't have my acolyte clothes, but it doesn't matter too much, I don't remember having these thighs, and now that I think about it, my breasts weren't so big and turgid, how I'd like to go out and rape some little boys..... What, can I only think about doing things to boys? Something is wrong inside me, but I don't know, I don't understand if it's good or not, I'd better stay here isolated.
I don't know how much time I spend in and out of consciousness, I know I've eaten, but not much, yet my body still looks great, only my skin looks more opaque, it's not red anymore, maybe a little purple, yet I can't get my thoughts together, they're just distant bubbles in my consciousness, every time I try to reach one I get distracted by the moss in the cave, an insect passing by... oops, it's gone, I think I ate it, is that good or not? I don't know, I just feel that something is missing, I always felt him by my side and now I don't know where he went, I better stay here and wait for him, he will come, I know it, some day.
An avalanche of memories attacks me, it is immense, painful, no matter how much I try to distance myself, to continue sleeping as I have been doing since I don't know when, covered by these cool vines, but I can't sleep anymore, one after another like a sequence of images that change when I blink, my body felt hot, very hot, the children reached the goal, they used a shield so weak that it faded with a pebble, yet I welcomed them and invited them to join him, why didn't he welcome me? Why is it so hot? What is this he gave me to drink? At that moment it dawns on me, I have drunk the liquor from the silver leaf plants. The priest mocks me, I can see him but not very well, I feel only a heat that burns me, I tear off my clothes, including Phaladine's talisman that gave me strength when I was alone looking at the village, all my clothes are already on the floor, but it's not enough, my hands go to my crotch, from there everything is more confused.
I try to fall asleep again, but I can't, I know that the acolytes abused me, every single one of them, I can even remember the one who was supposed to reward me, laughing under his breath, from then on everything becomes blurry, confusing, why am I not at home? How come I can't even remember my parents? They weren't the best example of parenthood, but I should at least know my mother's name, did she give me something when I was sad? Do you know if I'm okay, I just know that they took me out of that cave with my dirty habits... I think there was something else, a memory I don't want to know, but I have to face it all, I wasn't the best acolyte of Phaladine if I can't recognize what happened.
I concentrate a little, like when I asked my god for advice, no one answers me, the warm feeling that in other times meant that he was by my side watching over my effort is gone, now I feel only darkness, cold, hunger, but I will not give in, I must know what happened, my lips are dry, at the moment I try to lubricate them with saliva a black tongue split in half like a snake comes out and brings me the remaining memory.
I am taken to the altar of purity, still dizzy, sore, blood and semen dripping down my legs, they accuse me of being casquivana, of being a demon of lust, that would be proven, I was tied on this table, the light is intense, I hope to see Phaladine's face, ask him to plead for me, he will know I was good, I didn't see anything, a soft, smug laugh is heard and then the pain begins, my whole being is pulled, I know what is happening to me, I have seen it many times, but from seeing it to feeling it, this terrible pain, the horns come out and go on for several turns, every inch hurts, my thin body becomes bulky, it is not mine, that's for sure, my breasts, my skin is not red, I am not an aberration!
They let me go and ask to verify that I am the demon of lust, after that the stones start to rain, I don't know if my mother is there, probably yes, she enjoyed this kind of events, the last thing I remember was not the look of love or understanding, they were the eyes of people who wanted to see me dead.
I don't remember how I got out of there, I don't know how I got there or even worse how I stay alive, the scream I have been accumulating for all this bitter drink is becoming unbearable, I have lost everything and everyone for trusting the people of the light, my scream echoes throughout the cave, I know it reaches far, it is an inhuman scream for that is what I have become, I am a monster of lust, I am an abomination in the eyes of Phaladine, I am a disgust.
I would like to fade away and die, to lose myself in the shadows, to return to the light, like the scriptures of Phaladine that we read, to stop being something of corruption and darkness, but I know that I will not be, there is no future for me, will I go after men as soon as I am hungry? I remember seeing demons of lust so engrossed in fornicating with the men of the city that they said nothing as they were stabbed... it is a terrible image, even more so now that I know that not all of them deserved it, I must at least remember the names of those who were punished, I must pay them some tribute, I think my conscience is fading, living on insects and the dew of the moss is not a very complete diet, is it? I think my story as a follower of the light ends here, I'm tired, I'm going to sleep, although I don't know if I'll wake up or if a mass of lust will take my place.
Something goes down my throat, I don't recognize the tastes, but I know it's good, my head clears a little, I finally manage to recognize someone holding my hands, it's a young dark-haired man, his face is very marked, I don't know if I'll ever see such suffering, But his eyes are those of a stubborn man, he looks at me and I see myself, I am still red, I still have horns, but my body is no longer that of a stupid stuffed woman, it is my thin self, when he sees me awake he gets up and holds out his hand, He asks me to follow him to prevent more destruction in the world, I don't know who he is but he respects me even in this state, without hesitation I say yes, the voices don't protest, I don't know if I will ever hear them again, When he asks me my name I want to give him one, but it is not the name of my village, not the name of my god, it is one I heard the priest speak of, a powerful woman who devastated all the kingdoms, that will be my name from now on and I tell him "my name is Lilith".