It's been so long.

It's been so long since I've last fallen asleep. It's been so long since I've last walked with my own two feet. It's been so long since I've last felt pain or pleasure or heat or cold. It's been so long since I've tasted food.

It's been so long since... pizza...

Hm, yes, pizza... a dish of Italian origin composed of a base of dough topped with multiple ingredients, including tomato purée and cheese. In 1958, Dan and Frank Carney opened the first Pizza Hut in Wichita, Kansas, which would quickly grow into an international franchise over the next few decades. 

Why do I know so much about Pizza Hut again?

...oh, yes, that's right. Someone I knew tried to outpizza the hut long ago. I stopped them. I punished them. I was rewarded.

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I was once a food safety inspector, working for the UK government. Yes, an interesting job. Very interesting. I had a family but I don't think they were very important people. Or interesting, for that matter. I went to work every week, for five days a week, where I'd walk into a big concrete lab building in the morning, put on a white lab coat, do experiments on food samples for eight hours and walk back out. I think I enjoyed it. I must have, right? I got samples from Pizza Hut every now and again. Those samples surely made my life worth living.

One day, we had to sample something from Pizza Hut - a new recipe for mozzarella pizza they've been developing. My colleague, who was a funny man, wrinkled his nose and said something about "greasy-ass plasticine rubbish" when he brought out the box. I laughed at the joke. He was being sarcastic. I'm sure of it. He opened the box and when I saw what was inside it, my mind went blank and I was transformed forever.

A glistening, thick pizza sat in the centre of the cardboard box. Its purée was thinly spread across the bulging base, shimmering as it mixed with the pale cheese's oily goodness. Near the edges, the cheese went from pure white and slick with grease to crusty and as black as night like a beautiful sunset. The crust was blackened too, bending into the mozzarella seamlessly. It reminded me most of a star glimmering in the inky black vacuum of space, its white cheesy light fading out into burnt darkness. The reflection of the lab's white light against the perfectly laid-out oil that pooled between the slices almost blinded me. It smelled of gasoline and ashes. I loved it, completely and utterly. There was no improvement to be made. It was absolute.

But my colleague disagreed.

He reached in to grab a slice of the pizza, calling it an "unholy abomination of oil and fat that definitely cannot be sold legally". He was going to pull it apart. He was going to disturb it. He was going to destroy the recipe that created it in favour of what he thought would be superior. I was not going to allow that to happen.

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I slapped away his hand.

He looked at me strangely before reaching again. He had not learnt his lesson, so I had to punish him even harder.

I grabbed a nearby kitchen knife and stabbed it into his hand. He screamed in pain, saying things like "what the fuck is wrong with you" and "I'm calling the police, you sick fuck". I didn't care much, but I wanted him to understand, so I explained to him calmly why he wasn't allowed to outpizza the hut. I calmly explained to him that anything he did as an attempt to outpizza the hut would only be making it worse. It would bring the pizza down from the peak of perfection. And it would be an insult to the Hut. I would not let that stand, because I loved the Hut. I've always loved the Hut. I'm sure of it.

He called me "insane". He said that the pizza has already been ruined. I was confused as to what he was talking about until I looked back into the box - a droplet of his blood had landed on top of the pizza. My eyes widened in terror.

It was tarnished. The purity of the Hut's pizza... ruined... allowing it to become outpizza'd...

No. It was still safe. The blood was floating on top of the layer of grease. I could lick it off without disturbing the pizza if I were careful. And I was careful when I licked it off. His blood was disgusting, for it was not created by the Hut - how could it be anything else? Then the pizza spoke to me in a soft, loving voice, like the popping and bubbling of microwaved cheese.

"Thank you for saving me," it said. "I love you."

"I love you too," I replied.

"Join me. And no-one can ever outpizza me or the Hut. No-one will ever be able to come close."

"Join you? But if I touch you, your perfection shall be tainted."

"That's not true for you. I love you and you love me. Love makes us infinite. Love makes us greater. I will be made even more complete by joining you, not become tarnished."

"Very well then, my love. I shall join you."

Ah, when I touched its rough, blackened crust, with my trembling fingers, let me tell you... it was pure, orgasmic, complete, joy. I felt like I was melting into bliss as I closed my eyes and screamed in ecstasy, and when I opened my eyes, I realised I was melting in bliss - the white, oily cheese of the pizza had grown, each tiny grating blossoming like spring flowers, and was climbing itself onto my skin, replacing my skin, replacing all my flesh. The screams of my colleague disappeared as I became one with the oil and the cheese and the purée, my ears become pizza, my eyes become pizza, my lungs and heart and nose and mouth and brain become pizza. I felt nothing but pizza.

I had become pizza. I was joined with it. It was me, and I was it.

And I was hungry. 

I wanted more from the Hut, so I ate my colleague. Well, I say eat, it was more of a joining, really - the same way I was joined with the pizza, he too was joined with it, but his mind was not compatible with us and he became nothing. He had not eaten anything from the Hut, however, so he tasted bad. So I ate the lab. There were no samples from the Hut, but a few of the workers there had eaten Hut stuff. Overall, a decent meal, but unsatisfying.

So I consumed everything and made my way up to the nearest Hut and joined with it, but it was unsatisfying too.

So I consumed the world. All the Huts, all at once, instantly. And I was satisfied. And I never felt hungry again.

Because I love the Hut. And the Hut loves me. And the pizza loves me, and I love the pizza. And I will never feel anything ever again but their love and their cheese and grease and purée and dough.

But I am unsatisfied. There is still the chance that some alien planet on the other edge of the universe may outpizza the Hut. I will not allow that.

So I shall consume all of space, atom by atom, turning it into cheesy goodness, until there's no-one left to outpizza the Pizza Hut.

Nothing shall ever threaten our love.