Authors note: This covers the topic of the after effects of a school shooting many years later.

He looked at the place he had long forgotten. The place that brought him great happiness, yet also great pain.  Good memories are tainted by one horrible event. An event that plagued his mind even years after it happened.  He was a boy when he entered this place but left as a man. The innocence he had replaced by the trauma unfairly placed on his shoulders.  He exhaled loudly, as he entered his old high school. 

The school hadn't changed much since his tenure. The hallways were still painted the same and the old lockers stood tall. There were many posters advertising clubs and other special events.  He kept walking through the barren halls.   Not many students were out and about, leaving him all alone to his thoughts. As he kept walking, he finally reached the destination his mind was laser-focused on.  He opened the doors and entered the library. 

Like everything else in the school, the library hadn't changed much in the decade he hadn't attended. The bean bag chairs still sat towards the left of the library, the book sections were still the same, and the tables were arranged in the same layout as before.  As he stood there, the memories all came flooding in. Memories he had for so long tried to bottle up and ignore.  He sat at the table far to the left on that day.  He kept staring off to the table until he felt a gentle tap on his shoulder. Turning around he saw the person. 

"You look a little old to be a student." The woman looked to be around the same as him. She was beautiful, her long brown hair highlighting her exquisite features. Although, he brushed that aside. There were more pressing things to care about. 

"I'm not a student." 

"Clearly, not. Are you looking for anything?"

"Why? Do you work here?"

"No, but it seems like you are looking for something. I saw you standing still, focusing on that table for about 10 minutes."

"I was just remembering something. Something about the school."

"Oh? Were you a former student here? What year?" 

"You seem to love questions, don't you?"

"It's not every day, a former student comes back. Especially someone as old as you."

"I'm only 29." 

"Oh, hey we are around the same age! I'm 26!"

"Whatever, can you leave me alone now? I need to do something without someone annoying me." She looked down, causing the man to feel somewhat bad.  

"Alright, I will. It's just not every day you run into a former student, especially someone around your age." She walked away, going back to wherever she came from.  The way she said that intrigued the man. Why would she care about former students? Shouldn't he apologize for his rude words? Yet again, he brushed the thought aside. There was something more at stake right now than her.  He sat down at the table, the same table he used to sit at with him. They would bicker, banter, and laugh like good friends.  Nostalgia washed over him, the simple times. No worrying about money, no worrying about job security, or other adult stresses.  But even then, bitterness came over him too. He was bitter over the fact that his memories were tainted. Tainted by the madman who plunged everyone into despair on that horrible day.  He had repressed it for long, but he needed to be here. He needed to learn to truly mourn for what he lost that day. Even if he felt uncomfortable, there was no turning back. It was now or never.

*********

The mental dam was slowly collapsing with every memory he could remember about the school. Finally, it fully collapsed as he thought back on the day-long ignored. He could still vividly recall the entirety of the day.

"Hey, did you do the calculus homework?"

"Robert, I swear to god. I'm not giving you my homework again. This is the 10th time in a row you asked."

"Come onnnn, you are exaggerating!"

"Does it look like I'm exaggerating? You know, we are going off to college soon. If you can't keep up with high school homework, how will you handle college?"

"That's why I'm taking it easy! We are seniors, only two more months left, you should also chill out!"

"Right, chilling out means falling behind like you." Robert flinched at his words playfully.

"Ouch, dude." They stared at each other, before letting out a small laugh.

"Fine, you can have it. But I swear this is actually the last time."

"You said that last week. You can't resist my charm! I always had more of that than you."

"Keep talking, and I'll change my mind."

"Sorry, Sorry! All hail Jacob, the smartest man I know. I'm a mere pleb compared to him."

"You're damn right, and don't you forget it."

Robert quickly scribbled down whatever answers he needed. Then, the two friends left the library, walking down the hall. They kept walking until they met a man neither of them had ever seen in the school. The man was pointing a gun right at Jacob.

Jacob was frozen. He could faintly hear his best friends shouting, but he was lost in his mind. One minute he was standing, the next he was on the floor. On top of him was Robert He was coughing violently, streams of blood exuding out of his mouth. The bullet had hit him in the neck, he was done for. His grief abruptly turned to horror as he looked up and saw the assailant. He smiled smugly, looking down on his prey. He loaded his gun and pressed it on the quivering boy's forehead. All Jacob could do was close his eyes and accept his death. It was pointless to resist, he would die here next to his best friend. But then, the assailant let go, his smug smile still ever-present. He then left the boy all alone.

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Jacob didn't know it, but he was back in the hallway where it all happened. He somehow didn't register he reenacted everything that went down on that day. His clarity returned to him, and the tears streamed down his face. When he looked around, there wasn't anyone in the halls. It was a high possibility no one was watching him, which he was grateful for. Even though his memories of the school were tainted, that same sense of nostalgia washed over him. He could still remember where all his classes were, down to the exact classroom number. He thought of the days when he and Robert would skip Mr Fisher's class since they both hated him. Or the days when they sat in the lunchroom talking about the most pointless things ever. He wished those memories weren't tainted. He wished Robert was still alive.

The silence didn't last long, as the bell rang. Soon, hordes of students came rushing out, the silence filled with boisterous conversations. He didn't want to be here any longer. With a deep breath, he left his old high school behind.

As he was in the parking lot, ready to leave, someone called out to him.

"Excuse me."

He turned around and sighed. It was the same lady from the library. What more does she want from him?

"I'm sorry about annoying you in the library. I didn't mean to, I was just very interested."

"It's alright. I was in a bad mood, so apologies for coming out as a blunt annoyed old man." She let out a small laugh at my words.

"I want to ask you something specific. If you don't want to answer, that's fine."

"Oh joy, another question. Fine, but this is your last one."

"Were you here that day, the day the shooting happened." This stopped Jacob dead in his tracks.

"Why does it matter? Are you here to give me some empty words about how horrible it must have been? If so, then please leave, I'm not in the mood."

"No, I'm asking because I was here too on that day. Our ages are similar and you are a former student like me. It isn't much of a stretch to think you were here that day." He contemplated wanting to open up to her. He had already come this far, and there was someone else who was a survivor in front of him. She could understand him when no one else couldn't  

"If we are going to talk about it, let's not do it out here. I don't want other people to listen in. Especially some stupid brats."

"We can sit in my car if you want." he nodded and she pulled out her keys. Sitting in the car, he began talking with her.

no turning back. It was now or never.

*********

She didn't say anything, even though he finished his story about 5 minutes ago. They sat there in silence,  only the noise from trees blowing in the wind could be heard.  The man couldn't take it anymore, he didn't like the silence.

"So, you have nothing to say? Nothing at all? I suppose it's my fault. I did say you only had one more question left in the parking lot.  I revoke my statement, say what you-" 

"What do you want me to say?" She quickly cut him off.  "I can sit here and say I'm sorry for your loss. Or I can sit here and say how bad it must have been. But frankly, I heard so many people say that to me I got tired of it. I bet you're tired of it too, right?" 

 Jacob took a deep breath, as he began to further let out his thoughts. "I hate it. I hate others thinking they get it when they don't. So many people who find out are people who have never gone through something like what we did. They think they are being helpful, but it's nothing but an annoyance." 

"They have good intentions" I know they mostly have good intentions. But I don't need people to pity me when I talk about it to them. I see the looks they give me when I talk about that day." She let out a sad sigh following her words.  

"For what it's worth, you are the first person in a while I talked to about the event. You are a much better listener than most people I talked to."

"Oh? I'm glad I finally impressed you." We both let out a small laugh at her statement. She continued to talk shortly after.

"Were you able to find any normalcy after everything?" 

"Normalcy? Sure on the outside I'm normal. I graduated high school, went to college,  got a job, have an apartment, and dated. But what does that matter when on the inside I'm anything but normal. No normal person constantly wakes up in cold sweats. No normal person is still traumatized by what they say decades ago. I want to be normal, but no matter what I do, I can't." She put a hand on his hand, squeezing it gently. 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to rant."

"It's ok, uhhh- ." she paused, her cheeks getting red. He didn't say anything but thought she was pretty cute when she blushed.

"This is weird, I never got your name."

"Jacob." 

"It's ok Jacob. You don't have to apologize. You are just letting out your feelings, that's nothing to apologize for. 

"What's your name?" 

"It's Amelia." 

"Amelia, were you able to find normalcy?" 

"When I think about it, no. I'm in the same boat as you.  I have everything an adult should have, but it doesn't make me feel better. I still live with the memories, some days being worse than others." She paused before continuing.  

 "I didn't lose a good friend, but I lost a few of my classmates. Like you, I saw a few of them die in front of me. I was only a freshman, heading to my biology class. I saw a lot of my classmates chatting up and laughing. That was until we heard the gunshots, and I saw some of them die while I escaped. I still remember one of their faces, their lifeless eyes, the screams, the..the...A hand was placed on her hand. Now it was time for Jacob to reassure her as she did for him. He squeezed her hand gently, holding it as she regained her composure. What came after was something bordering on a whisper from the woman. 

"It's stupid to ask since we won't ever know. But why did it have to happen, what did any of us do to deserve it?" 

"The only answer I can come up with is, life can be shit."  

"I very much agree," she muttered.  They sat together, Jacobs's hand still on top of hers. The silence had returned once again. 

"I should have died that day." He didn't know what came over him but he let out the sentence without thinking. Perhaps it was due to finally confronting his despair.

"Jacob, don't say that!" 

"He should have done it! Robert took a bullet for me when he shouldn't have!  Then, he had me at literal gunpoint, and all he did was toy with me.  I never had a good life even back then. A neglectful mother and an abusive father, it was never a good life. Robert was the only true friend I had since middle school, the only person who gave a shit about me. And then that bastard took him, for what? He didn't think twice about what he did, but I had to carry it for my entire life since then! I'm tired Amelia, I'm tired of living a life I haven't liked for a long time now."

"Jacob, please, please don't say that."   He looked at her sad face, there were tears in her eyes.  He hated himself for making her cry like this. Why did she care so much? 

"Then what do I do, Amelia? How do I stop being so tired?"

"Maybe...maybe it's time you had someone by your side again." I looked up and saw her still crying face. But there was a small smile on her face.

"Amelia, no. I tried to have someone by my side before. It didn't end well." 

"Jacob, I want to try. I have also let myself be alone for too long.  I don't know about you, but I'm tired of drowning."

"What if I make things only worse?" 

"Then the two of us drown together."

"That doesn't sound like a good thing." 

"It's not. But what I'm trying to say is, that no matter what pain we go through, we both have each other.  We will endure, I guarantee it." I let out another chuckle.

"That's a nice sales pitch you got." 

"Thanks, I have a way with words." The two of them held each other. There were still a few questions Jacob needed to ask her. 

"Can I ask? Why did you come to the school today?"

"One of the reasons is pretty simple. I came here to do was drop out clothes for the clothes drive.  I had a few that I didn't need and thought it would be better if it went for a good cause. One of my coworkers has a niece who goes here, and she told me about the clothes drive." 

"Then why were you at the library? Couldn't you just leave after leaving the clothes?" 

"I guess I was feeling nostalgic. Despite what happened, the remaining 3 years I had here had a lot of good memories. The library was one of those places I hung around a lot after freshman year. I wanted to see how the place is after all these years. Like you I also felt the need to come back here again, to try and put things behind me." 

"I'm glad you came on this day."

"Me too." Suddenly Jacobs's stomach began grumbling. Amelia looked at him and started laughing.

"Someone's hungry. Well don't worry, I have a place for you! There's a nice restaurant, I can give you the directions and we can go there." She got up and gave it to the man. Jacob got out of the car and got into his. He drove out of the parking lot following the woman he was slowly falling for. 

The memories and trauma will never go away, but at least now he had someone who could fully understand him. He was going to try again, try and find some sense of normalcy. Time to let others in again, and make a better life for himself. He smiled, for once he was ready to embrace a new chapter in his life.