The day had been long, Jaya thought.

Her uniform had weighed on her on their excursion into the Agricultural Station in a way she had not felt before. It did not feel like it fit her, like she'd put on someone else's and the seams and proportions were just a little bit off.

That was not true; scans confirmed all was in line with her current parameters, which were unchanged.

Knowing that did not make them feel like they fit her.

Now, looking at herself in the mirror, Jaya did not think her reflection looked any different.

But she did not like it, either.

Her face was the same as always; her dark hair pulled in a bun, dark brown eyes and light brown skin.

She just did not recognize it as herself.

Waving a hand angrily, the wall turned from its mirror setting back to a blank whiteness. It took a moment longer before the normal pattern returned, and she tried to shake her own mental image of herself.

She had died, she thought. She remembered it. A surge of radiation through the part of the ship she was in. She remembered all of it.

Alexander Shaw had not survived. It had been Cathal Sair who had saved her, despite the massive quantity of radiation she had taken.

Enough that she should have been beyond medical care.

Jaya could not say how she knew it was Sair, and it made no sense. He'd been with an entire crowd of his followers, across the ship. Well out of harm's way.

As much as she wanted to speak to him, to figure this out, she found that she could not. Even the thought of approaching him made her feel unable to act.

A ding came to her door, and her HUD popped up that it was Apollonia.

Her immediate response was positive. But quickly the thought of actually talking to anyone, even Apollonia, turned sour.

She felt herself shiver, and she could not control it.

Taking a deep breath, she clenched her hands into fists until it subsided.

Several long, deep breaths.

Then she opened the door for Apollonia.

"Hey! Sorry to bother you, I was jogging by and-" Apollonia's face fell into seriousness as she studied Jaya. "Are you all right?"

"I am fine," Jaya replied evenly. "What did you need?"

"Uh, I was just wondering if you had heard anything? About my test."

"Not yet," Jaya said. "Just have patience." She smiled slightly, but it felt forced even to her. "I know you can do that."

"Yeah. Thanks . . . and sorry for bothering you," Apollonia said.

"It is no bother."

Stolen novel; please report.

Apollonia lingered a moment, as if she wanted to say more, but Jaya moved to close the door. She paused, then, giving Apollonia a chance to interject.

"Say," Apollonia said. "Ann and Zey are busy tonight, wanna catch dinner? Now we know where it comes from and everything! I'm sure that makes it taste better." She was grinning, and Jaya considered the request for a moment.

"I'll have to pass," she said. "I have a lot of work that needs doing."

"Oh, sure. If I can help or anything, let me know."

"I don't think your expertise is in Operations," Jaya said. "But thank you."

She closed the door quickly this time.

----------------------------------------

Apollonia headed back towards her room.

She felt a keen disappointment from Jaya's refusal to join her, but she held onto that thought. In her state of . . . not feeling much, feeling even a negative emotion somehow seemed better.

She kept an eye out for Cathal, but she did not see him. It was too bad; if he'd been there, in her present state, she might have gone right up to him and yelled out everything, then gone to Brooks and . . .

The thought seemed to slide out of her mind, leaving her drawing a blank.

Something affecting her thoughts, the passing idea came again. Manipulating her, limiting her.

It was easy, she thought, to just ignore a problem. It was doing something that was hard.

This made it so much easier to just get on with her life, even if she was feeling nothing.

Brooks walked into the hall near her, and she nearly jumped.

He was not looking at her as he walked, his eyes fixed ahead and his face set in grim lines.

Next to him was walking that strange little Engineer who she'd met on Darkeve; Boniface Tred, her system supplied for her. He was talking animatedly to Brooks.

". . . they don't just go out like that, Captain. Not a whole hallway. I know we've gone over everything after the, er, relic temple business, but I want to look deeper and see if that could be why the cameras and sensors-"

"No," Brooks said sternly. "Like you said, the ship went through a lot. You've replaced the sensors?"

"Yes, but-"

"That's good enough," Brooks said. "But next time we go to port I'll- oh, hello, Apollonia."

He had just noticed her - or more likely was using her as an excuse to escape Tred, she thought cynically.

"Hello, Captain," she said.

He had come to a stop, and so did Tred. Brooks spared him a glance and waved him on. "That will be all, Engineer."

"Er . . ."

"Go," Brooks said, firmly.

Tred saluted and went on his way.

"He's good at his job," she said.

"Yes, and he actually accepted his promotion this time," Brooks said. "But sometimes he's too persistent."

"So," Apollonia said. "Something happened in a hall?"

"Just a minor error," he said. "It's nothing."

She hesitated. There was something odd about him. "Really?"

"Yes," he said.

Whatever it was was gone, she thought. Now slid into the vault of his mind.

She suddenly thought of the times she had read minds; could she do that here? She wanted to know what he was hiding, her curiosity rose up stronger than normal, unhampered by much in the way of other feelings. She could reach into his mind and pluck the knowledge out . . .

But she rejected that idea immediately, guilt and shock at her own thought driving it away.

Why would she do that? Just out of curiosity? She was not . . . a monster. What a violation of privacy it would be!

And another part of her suddenly wondered if she could even do that to him. Brooks did not strike her like other people. There was something larger than life about him.

"Did you enjoy the food production station?" he asked, a slight wry smile at the corners of his mouth.

"Oh, yes," she said with a laugh she didn't feel. "It was amazing."

"Kind of strange to think we make so much like that. But it's been proven for hundreds of years now. As a species we're healthier than ever."

"You don't have to sell me on food," she joked.

"All right," he said warmly. "Have a good night, Apple."

"Good night, Captain," she said.

He went on, and she watched after him, frowning.

There were a lot of people keeping secrets right now, she thought.