Chapter 2:

  I got up and was seriously concerned. I hadn’t done LSD for 30 years at least but I did remember back in the ‘80s the news always talked about “Acid Flashbacks” and having one at the start of the fucking day when I am 5 years or so from retiring is an absolute disaster. I had a panic attack, which I was pretty sure was a symptome of an acid flashback.

  I started to shamefully act like I was having a heart attack. Closed my eyes, doubled over, and grabbed for my chest. Maybe at the very least I can save my job and JUST have an expensive ambulance ride and ER visit. The problem was no one was trying to help the “Ol’ Man”. I was younger than some of the people that called me the “Ol’ Man” but fuck someone otta be helpin me by now.

I opened my eyes. I was still grasping my chest and bent over but instead of seeing everyone in the boring white work tent we were just in I was alone. How did that song go?

“NOOOO ONE HERE BESSSSIIIIIDDDDEEEE MEEEEE”. That was my youngest favorite movie growing up. Shrek I know was the title. We watched that movie as a family probably over 200 times.

Back on task now, my mind can’t wonder now. I was completely alone. And in a Cave. A well lit cave. Clearly not a natural cave since I could see and I couldn’t see where the light was coming from.

If this really was an acid flashback I was going to the hospital one way or another but it didn’t feel fake. You know when you’re dreaming and even though you think you’re awake and having a normal day the details just aren’t there? You then realize you’re asleep and you either wake up or have a lucid dream? This wasn’t like that. Full HD 4k video babbbbbby!

I sat down with my back against the cave wall, took my backpack off, and inventoried everything I had:

> Flashlight, spare batteries, LEL meter, 500’ or so of paracord, 2 rolls of danger tape, 1 roll of caution tape, 4 pens, a mechanical pencil, 6 red LOTO locks, 2 LOTO clasps, Headphones, a stack of hot work permits, a roll of LOTO tags, a bottle of water, a granola bar, a spare pair of safety glasses, a pair of leather work gloves, a pair of nylon lvl 2 cut resistant work gloves, 3 sharpies, two and a half rolls of value brand ducktape, my wallet, keys, phone, and a pair of extra socks. I was already wearing my hardhat, hearing protection, a pair of red wing work boots with orthopedic inserts, polo safety shirt, a large container of aspirin, neon yellow rip apart safety vest, long sturdy pants, a retractable lanyard with my ID and FOB, and a small foldable pocket knife. Of course the backpack itself.

More than Bear Grills ever had but not enough to actually survive. At least it was early in the morning and I wasn’t sweating or hungry. I had some water. I could survive at least a day or two.

I got out the LOTO tag and a sharpie. I wrote down:

> “Pat spawned here. Going →. I am leaving a sign at every turn. Keep going straight until you see a sign. Follow if you want to help or go ← if you want to kill me and take my stuff. I am very badass. I have a gun too”

I didn’t have a gun. Not even a tape gun. I taped the reflective sign to the wall and hoped that would encourage people to help if they found the sign. I had enough of the rip out style tags that I could reasonably keep a long trail of breadcrumbs to find my way back to this spot if needed.

When I hung the sign I saw another prompt in the air and the AI read it out again:

> “Congratulations! A new class is unlocked for selection. You can choose to be a Dungeon Inspector. Based on your life history and actions in the dungeon you would be a good fit for this class. If you take this class you will receive a bonus to loot gained after a dungeon is cleared and made safe, you will be able to make barriers and dungeon signs people can’t avoid, and you’ll get a trusty sidekick for help! Doesn’t that sound grand? Do you want to become a Dungeon Inspector? Y/N”

>

> Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

I was startled and immediately said “Yes, What?” without thinking like my late wife or kids were talking to me and I spaced out. Apparently “Yes” was all the voice needed. It continued:

> “Congratulations on your new Class! At lvl 1 you get +4 constitution, Infinite ‘Red Barrier Tape’, the ability to tag Dungeon traps to make them visible to everyone else, +5 in the trap finding skill, One ‘familiar coupon’, and dark vision out to 120’. I hope you’re happy with this permanent and final decision.

A roll of ‘Endless Danger Tape’ and 1 ‘Familiar Coupon’ has been added to your inventory. You have 30 minutes to use the coupon before it expires”

I wasn’t happy with the decision because I had no clue how to access my inventory. I tried to will the coupon to come into my hand and it didn’t appear. I tried to will the danger tape to come next and that also didn’t work. I then tried to open my inventory, and a screen popped up. My inventory was a large box made up of smaller boxes that was 8 boxes wide by 10 tall. 2 of the top left boxes were full and there was a 12x1 section under the inventory section. I tried pulling out the coupon. That didn’t work.

Next I put the coupon on the first slot of the 12x1 boxed section. B-I-N-G-O! It was a hot bar just like that game I tried to play with my oldest. I then tried to use the coupon. It appeared in my hand and then vanished in a bright golden light. That was it.

Well that was a waste of time, but I could then bring out the roll of endless red barrier tape. It was almost exactly like the rolls I had in my backpack. Not almost, it exactly was. I tried to pull some out and tore off a 3’ piece. I could tie it and stretch it. I could twist it up and make a strong rope. I couldn’t eat it. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do with it. I took the 3’ piece and contemplated hanging it from the sign I taped up to make the sign more visible.

I put the danger tape against the tag with one hand and then realized I put the roll of duck tape back in my backpack. I let the barrier tape fall and opened my backpack. When I did my trusty LEL meter flew out of the top of the bag and hovered right in front of me.

My LEL meter then spoke in a proper old matronly lady voice:

“Oh why I never. Why did you have me in that bag I’ll never know. What were you thinking? A proper lady such as myself can’t be seen in such a predicament”.

I jumped sideways in surprise. The LEL meter, which really was just a bright yellow collared rectangle with a one tone LCD screen had sprung arms, two legs, was floating mid air, and the LCD screen looked like a cheap robot toy face with two dots for eyes and a line for a mouth.

“This is NO WAY to treat a Lady such as myself. Apologize this instance or I’ll be through with you”

I didn’t apologize but I did notice the red barrier tape was stuck to the danger tag. There was no duck tape holding the red plastic barrier tape to the tag I taped to the wall. I walked over and grabbed the tape. I moved it back a bit and the tape stuck to the danger tag and the danger tag rotated off the wall a little bit considering the top was taped with duck tape to the wall. I sat there confused for a second.

I tried pulling the danger tape off the tag and I just ended up pulling the tag off the wall. I then grabbed the tag and tried to pull the barrier tape off. The tag ripped but the part stuck to the danger tape remained stuck. Then I tried to remove the riped portion specifically. It came off without any resistance. Weird.

The LEL meter was not happy that her floating and talking forum wasn’t keeping my attention. She exclaimed “EXCUSE ME!”

I replied without thinking saying “Yeah yeah sorry. This is just too much to comprehend. What’s going on?” and she harrumphed.

“Well if you would pay attention for more than 5 seconds I could tell you, but no. That's too much to ask for apparently”.

I turned around and looked her in the eyes, or more succinctly, the LCD screen and said “How about we start over. I am sorry for offending such a fine lady such as yourself. What’s your name”.