The Queen-mother was a broad woman with beautiful wide shoulders and golden hair that billowed around her like a cloud at sunset. She had robust features and bold curves that were the envy of even some of the younger women at court. Her looks were striking, and her eyes hid the viper lurking beneath them. For as much as it was well known that Queen-mother Saga was an excellent matron-mother, the tales of her days defending the eastern border of Orsin on bloodied battlefields outshone any stories at court. It was said that she could pick up any weapon and handle it with ease, and she had since passed the ability on to her son. The scars on her face and arms were enough to confirm any rumors.
She had a thicker, more stilted accent than most courtiers, given that her upbringing had been mainly in the countryside alongside the bannermen of the Audric family. Not a single soul could dispute her claim to royalty when King Asrun began courting her, partially because she did hail from one of the oldest families in the valley but largely because they were too afraid of the consequences of resistance.
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A day after returning from Thalia's forest, Elodie could understand the fear as she sat across the table from the woman, making pleasantries and introductions. The table before them was laid with lemons, honey, and sugar bowls to accompany a lavish tea service. Silver kettles with swan-like necks held dark amber liquid next to a small assortment of walnut cakes and salmon caviar. Amidst a sparkling spread, the Queen-mother exerted her presence and called all attention.
Sitting beside the Queen-mother was the purple-haired aide from before, whom Elodie had now been introduced to as Thyra, and Luta, who looked as proportionally confused as to why she was there as Elodie was afraid to be present.
"Please join us," the Queen-mother said, gesturing to Ann, "I do not like seeing hungry eyes when there is more than enough to share."
Ann looked calmly for Elodie's approval and then joined them at the table. It wasn't unusual for aides to join families during meals, especially in some lower clans. Elodie was happy that the Queen-mother also looked after her table more casually. While they spoke pleasantries, aides occasionally came in to add dishes or take them away, and delicious smells wafted throughout the sitting room. Behind them, large arched windows offered a view of one of the castle's gardens, which was buried under several inches of snow.
"Is very good to meet you, Miss Auclair. My son goes tromping into the fairy woods; I am very curious about the one he goes tromping for." She pinched a fragrant boiled egg stuffed with a vibrant red spice between her fingers and said, "Have heard much about you and thought- I am Queen-mother! Why has court magician not been introduced to me yet? Oh- try some of these."
She set down the egg and slid a small silver dish of poppy seed rolls over to Luta, who instructed the aide that had brought them to compliment the chef while helping herself to a second. Luta slid the dish over to Elodie, who stared at it with dread. Her mouth was dry. The thought of filling it with grain and seeds sounded equivalent to eating a fist full of sand right now. Ann noticed the expression and took a roll onto her plate instead. Elodie exchanged a gracious side glance for an ounce of Ann's courage.
"It's an honor to share tea with you, Your Highness." Elodie squeaked. Her hand shook a little on the edge of the cup. For a person who expected to live a hidden life, having tea with the Queen-mother was never something she ever expected to do. She had no idea what one discussed with a Queen-mother. All her attempts to gauge what the conversation was about had landed flatly. She was on her own.
"Eat," she said, "Drink. Fill your stomach with good food, with warmth. Is important to enjoy life with good company, especially after dark days."
The request seemed genuine, and Elodie felt grateful that the Queen-mother was a kind woman.
"How are you holding up? I hear from the boys this was harrowing, especially for lady like yourself."
A lady that hasn't seen battle, you mean, Elodie thought. It was an astute observation.
"Thank you for your concern, Your Highness. I'm- I'm not worthy of it." The words spilled out of her mouth like marbles, and their pitying expressions were full of kindness. "I am glad to have made it home safely, thanks to your son- that is- thanks to the Prince. And to the Warden-Commander! And all of the wardens. This tea is good."
She had just faced death at the hands of an ancient orator but returned to the Audric castle, where she was reduced to fumbled conversation.
Luta offered some reprieve by providing light conversation with the Queen-mother about the preparations for Yule. Occasionally, Thyra would rise to tend to the fire on one side of the room to stave off any chill that tried to creep its way in. Elodie was grateful as the conversation turned away from her and onto talk of the candle-lighting ceremony and the winter stalls.
Soon, the town center would be decorated with berry garlands and the scent of pinecones and cinnamon. Merchants would bring their goods to sell, and the castle usually opened its stores to hold a fantastic feast. Amidst oaths sworn to the festival pig and plays offered to the surly goats, there would be laughter and light to stave off the cold of winter. It was jubilant enough that people even traveled from outside the valley to attend Yule, including many nobles from other lands.
"Ah, yes," the Queen-mother said abruptly mid-conversation, "This reminds me. I want Elodie to give speech with Braum during candle-lighting."
Elodie's blood ran as cold as ice.
"It would be good demonstration, especially if you could do oration. Show that Crown is working with magician, that we are stronger together. That people can depend on us and that some should think twice about any moves they may be considering."
No malice was intended in the proposal, and speaking the request plainly meant there wasn't a scheme at play. Honestly, Elodie agreed with the proposal- it was a good idea.
It was also an idea that made her teacup rattle against the saucer because her hand was shaking that badly. She set it down and said, "If- If you request- if ..."
The scent of finely cut meats and delicacies that she had found so pleasing before began to swim through her throat like sludge. Nausea swirled within her already delicate stomach.
Every year, King Asrun and Queen-mother Saga made an address to those giving their first candle lighting, and the entire festival listened eagerly for words of hope and renewal that were offered. Hundreds of people attended the ceremony, and hundreds more clung to the words of those in attendance days later. Elodie's heart froze at the idea of being in front of that many people, of giving an address that large. It was beyond stage fright, well past paralysis and deep into abject horror for Elodie.
Every fiber of her being sang alarms. She needed to leave now. She needed to get away from this table, and the sound of her chair screeching back signaled that she would do just that. "I'm terribly sorry, I need some air," was all she managed to choke out before absconding out the closest door.
It opened out to a covered stone walkway that connected this section of the keep with another drooping building in the inner castle. Snow blanketed the surrounding garden and piled up at the path's edges.
Elodie pulled up the edges of her skirt and walked at a pace that was near a run. She wanted to scream. Her? A person who could barely talk to more than two people over tea- give a speech meant to instill hope and admiration?
She was so fixated on her fear that she wasn't looking at where she was going or who was walking in the opposite direction and nearly barreled straight into Prince Braum.
His hand shot out to catch her wrist. "Wait- wait!" His voice was urgent but not harsh. "What is it?" His chin lifted as he scouted over her shoulder, assessing the surrounding area with furrowed brows. "Thalia?" He reached for a weapon that wasn't there and grimaced when his hand met air.
Elodie's eyes squeezed shut as she failed to steady her breathing. Her heart thudded in her chest. Her hands shook. Her skin tingled with an uncomfortable electricity as the edges of her vision blurred. Fire and smoke clutched her throat shut.
The Prince was talking to her, she knew that. She knew also that she needed to respond, but her jaw was set in iron. Ann's silhouette took shape next to Braum's, but it only increased the panic pressing on her chest. They were looking at her. They witnessed every shred of dignity disappear with every spasm of her chest. The tingling in her skin shot to her legs, and her knees buckled at the joint. She vaguely recognized the shock on Braum's face as he lurched forward to catch her. Her body floated- or maybe dragged- off the stone walkway to a cutaway from the path where a small bench sat under a covered pergola. Barren vines laden with snow tangled in the wood above and dangled between gaps in the boards, holding back the bulk of the freezing temperatures.
This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.
You are breaking, her muse informed her, Encased in ice, no harm will come to you.
The thought of her muse possessing her in the middle of the castle next to the crown prince only made her panic worse.
"Breathe." The word cut through the chaotic rhythmic pounding of her blood in her ears, and she tried to focus on it. One breath came for every three times she attempted, but it was something. The sound stuttered in her ears. Her vision began to settle. A small tunnel came into focus. In it, she saw Braum's face, full of concern. His hands steadied her shaking shoulders, and the gentle sound of his voice reminded her to, "Just breathe."
She did.
With each stuttered breath, the next one came a little easier. Panic settled into pain. Pain settled into shame.
"Can you lift your hands?"
She could.
"Good. Do that a few times. Yes, just like that. Good."
Strangely, focusing on the motion helped her block out the thrumming in her ears. The chill in the air soothed the heat in her cheeks.
When the last of her gasps subsided and she could see clearly, the embarrassment crept over her like spiders. She couldn't bear to look Braum in the face, and her lashes stayed lowered. The edges of her shadow warbled; Fen was worried, too.
She heard the metallic clicking of him unhooking the livery chain and the buckles that clipped his cloak around his shoulders, intending to offer it to her, and she made a pathetic noise of protest. She couldn't wear the royal jewel, no matter the circumstances. Even in her lucid state, she knew it would have implications if anyone saw them. It was one too many things right now.
Braum tried for a moment to press on, but when Elodie looked genuinely helpless, he relented and instead looked over his shoulder to Ann and the room she'd just come from. "She'll be okay. Would you get Lady Auclair something to warm herself? A blanket or a coat would be helpful."
The aide looked torn between staying with her charge and leaving and eventually gave in to do what was best for Elodie.
Once Ann stepped away, Braum said more quietly, "Now, more importantly, do you want me to stay? Or should I walk the other way and say I never saw any of it?"
Elodie couldn't quite form sentences yet, but she gripped Braum's arm weakly.
Stay.
Where had that come from? It hadn't been a conscious decision; it was more like an instinct from within. Maybe it was because Braum had proven himself a capable protector. When she first discovered her powers, he offered her a protected spot as an advisor. When trapped in the forest, he came to find her. He kindly offered her the choice and the time to decide on his presence. She suspected he had dozens of other tasks and duties to attend to, but he was here.
Braum isn't just a good prince, she decided, He's a good person too.
He understood the gesture well enough but didn't say more than a few words here and there to check that she was still calming down.
"Where did you learn that?" Elodie asked. His head swiveled at the sound like he hadn't expected to hear her speak.
"Learn what?"
Elodie raised her hands and lowered them a few times.
He leaned back, and a few melting snowflakes disappeared into his dark hair. "I know someone who goes through something similar when he's overwhelmed. A physician from Nordheim said when it happens, it's best to focus on a small sensation, like the way a cloth feels, or a motion like that."
“I was asked to give a speech during the candle lighting.” Elodie's gaze remained on her hands as she said, "When I talk to people, it feels like-" She made a chaotic motion with her hands, swirling them around and pinching her fingers. "-That. If I can't talk to people, how ... how do I ..." Her hands dropped to her skirts and crumpled into fists.
Braum opened his mouth as though to speak and then closed it. He waited.
"When I was in the forest with Thalia," Elodie confided, "It was so easy to talk to them. To orate. I think a part of me wanted to stay because it was easier that way. I feel like here at the castle I don't ... Like it's not ..." She sighed. "I don't have anything I'm good at here."
Releasing the thought was like letting the air out of a balloon or beating the dust out of a rug in summer. She felt selfish saying it. There were plenty of people who supported her in the castle, one of them being the Prince next to her. Yet it wasn't enough to convince her she had a place here beyond being a nuisance to everyone. She couldn't hold a conversation without running away, and that seemed proof enough. The shame bloomed like a sickly disease within her.
Braum looked at her thoughtfully. "You're good at listening. I used to ..." He turned away from her slightly, a bit exasperated with himself. "I used to look for you amongst our peers because you'd always listen intently. It was fun to see what got a reaction out of you. You have a face that reveals everything you're thinking, so I knew when I was making a huge error. It made me feel like I had to take it all seriously. Like right now, I can tell by your face that you're surprised to hear that." He smiled, but there was a kind of pain twisted into it. "It's not an exaggeration to say I follow you. I look for you in the crowd; I wonder what you'd think about my decisions." His next words were rushed. "And Luta, and Emerys-" He slowed down some, focused. "If I'm good at what I do here, it's because I have had many hands to brace me."
He rested his chin in the crook of his palm, and Elodie felt the world slip out from beneath her. His deep, black eyes lifted to hers, uncomfortably piercing in their intensity. "Despite all your struggles, you've made it all the way here. You could have given up at many points. You could've lived lavishly off the coffers or let your powers overtake you. But at every turn, you try to find ways to be kind and to listen to those around you. Even now, you've been given a monumental task, and you're worried about whether or not you'll be good at it to the point it leaves you weak."
"I can at least say thank you for being the court orator. For make it all this way, here, right now, with me. I hope that someday it can feel like home to you."
Elodie didn't know what to say. Her body was empty of any energy needed to muster a response. An emotion swelled within her, too large and too joyous to contain in her rattling chest. It was like plucking one of the stars from the sky and trying to hold it between trembling fingers. It burned too hot and intensely to name, beyond the pragmatic simplicity of connecting with another person.
"It's ... too much," she told him. For once, she didn't regret how the words mismatched the conversation. Braum would accept the dissonance. If a prince could find meaning in her words, maybe others in the valley could also.
Maybe she could even learn to accept herself, too.
"It is, isn't it?" He said with a laugh. "But you listened to the whole thing." He covered his laugh with the back of his hand. "And I meant it. Though you could stand to listen to your peers more often when they warn you about fairy wolves in the forest."
The air between them lightened, and air moved effortlessly through her lungs once more.
"I should go apologize to the Queen-mother. I've kept her waiting."
Braum's face snapped into steadfast confusion. "My mother?" Realization speckled in his eyes like a fog breaking at dawn. "She asked you to do the candle-lighting speech." He sighed a knowing sigh. "I love my mother, but she is a crow woman. I'll talk to her and give the speech in your place, I promise."
"I'd like to do it."
"Really?"
Elodie nodded softly. "I'm scared." That much was evident, as Braum had seen. "But she said it would be a good opportunity to show people that the Crown and a new orator stand united. I'd ... I'd like that ... very much. And..."
She was finally able to look at Braum, her eyes brimming with youthful determination. "And I'd like to thank you. For everything you've done for me." She wanted to capture that bright feeling in her chest, and convey it to him.
Braum pondered her words momentarily, turning them each over in his mind like stones at a river bank. Wordlessly, he reached up to his cloak and yanked a fist full of springy wolf fur loose. He unwound a string that decorated one of his boots and wrapped it around the fur until it was tightly cinched together. Then, he placed the precious cargo into Elodie's hands and closed her fingers around it.
"If it happens again, you can use that fur to refocus. It's a good luck charm. Until I can find a proper replacement."
Elodie clutched it between her fingers and silently vowed to treasure it. When she realized he was still looking at her, she said, "Thank you, Your Highness. Please wait for me."
He nodded and was about to say something when Ann appeared behind them both and inserted a blanket between them both. "I found one. Please wrap yourself quickly, miss. I'm afraid of you catching a cold."
Ann's eyes were threatening crescents, and Elodie dared not invoke her ire. She couldn't help but notice most of the abuse was aimed in Braum's direction. Maybe Ann was worried that Braum hadn't correctly cared for her chill in the time intervening. She snapped the blanket around herself to save Braum from further trouble. Beneath the soft quilted layers, she gripped the good luck charm with both hands.
"Lady Auclair!"
All heads turned to follow Queen-mother Saga, who waddled down the pathway with several of her skirts bunched in one of her fists. Her aide looked flustered, trying to insist that the skirts be lowered just a tad, but Saga ignored the requests and shushed her.
Elodie tried to stand but found the motion made her head spin.
"Please, please stay sitting," the Queen-mother said, "Your aide explained this, yes. I did not know you were ill. I have made terrible rudeness, asking things of you when we have only just met." Queen-mother Saga sighed, finally coming within a few feet of them. "Braum, you are not king yet, put away these angry eyes for your mother." She turned back to Elodie. "I apologize, truly. I am good queen, but sometimes I am clumsy friend."
She gestured to her aide, who stepped forward with a small sachet of tea leaves that was handed to Ann. "I bring you gift to make up for this rudeness. Is good for circulation, good in cold winter time."
"Th-thank you," Elodie managed. "And ..." She squeezed the fur between her fingers. The Queen-mother opened her mouth to interject, but Braum held up a hand and stayed her comment.
"The speech is an excellent idea, Your Highness," Elodie continued with his encouragement, "I would be honored to help in any way I can."
"Oh! Very good, yes, but mend yourself first. Take some time to think about it. I know I have just heaped it upon you. Take time, take time." The Queen-mother gave an oblivious, wide smile. "I do want to be your friend, little court magician. I see peoples' spirits, and yours is very bright. But for now, I go back to Luta, who is waiting. Please join us when your strength is returned."
With that, the Queen-mother gave her son an affectionate squeeze on his shoulder and took her leave. Elodie could only stare, bewildered, as though she'd been bulldozed by an elk.
Look at that, her muse chimed, Making allies already.