Chapter 1 Silly Lizard, Snacks are for Dog
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I am God
Wait, that’s wrong. I am dog. Or more specifically I am Sgt, and I do not know where I am. I was just playing catch with my Human, and now I was in a forest. The air smelled different, cleaner than where I was, but I could not smell my humans. It was also moist, and the smell of woods and animals filled my nose, where before there was sand, truck, and gun.
I was worried, ever since I was a puppy, I always could smell my humans, and I could follow that to them. But now, they were gone. I sat down with my tennis ball in my mouth. I was alone and Good Boy’s did not get left behind.
I sat in the clearing for a long time, hoping my human would come back for me. He never left me behind, I was his Amigo. I was a good dog, right? I whined and laid my head down in the soft grass. He didn’t mean to leave me behind, or was I a Bad Boy and I did not realize it.
The sun creeped across the open sky, open above the clearing and disappeared behind the trees. I was starting to get hungry. My human always fed me before I got hungry. I couldn’t reach my bag of food on my vest, it was too far back on my back. Above me I could smell creatures around me, but I didn’t want to chase them. What if while I was hunting, my human came back.
“What is this despair in my forest?” Spoke a voice.
Sgt. stood up suddenly, tail wagging and nose working overtime. It wasn’t his human, but maybe they could bring him back to his human, but where was new human? Sgt. turned around sniffing, but couldn’t smell them.
“I am here, but what are you, you are not one of my creatures of the forest.” The new human continued, as a big white horse came around the corner of a tree.
“I am god, I mean dog!” Sgt Barked.
“Don’t yell at me, I cannot understand your nonsense, just think it and I’ll know it.” The horsey huffed.
“And I am not a horsey, stop calling me that. I am a unicorn and the lord of this forest, and you are a trespasser.” Sgt. felt pressure on his head, like when he went in that big loud box that moved him to the desert place with his human. He did not like it, he was good boy, good boys don’t get punished, they get belly rubs.
“I will not rub your belly, but I know of one of those, Things you’re thinking of.” It sounded disgusted. “Leave my forest, and go towards the falling sun. When you reach the big stones with the Dragonnettes, you are in the right place.”
Sgt. whined, what about his human? And what was a Dragonnette?
“I care not for your concerns. They will take care of you, and you will be around those that you desire to be around.” The Unicorn stamped its front hoof in the ground. “But if you do not leave now, you will never find your way to people.”
It was not his human, but maybe the other human could help him. He grabbed his ball with his mouth and trotted the way he was told, and soon found himself in a field. The sun was setting fast, so he continued to trot along in the tall grass with his snout pointed into the failing light.
He heard a whoosh above and looked up. It was 2 white flying things, not quite like the stiff birds his humans threw. It was the wrong shape, smelled all wrong and it flapped its wings like a bird. The two white things circled him for a bit before one flew down and landed with grace. It was a giant lizard! Lizards tasted good, but didn’t play well, and they didn’t fly either.
He dropped his ball and barked as the lizard approached, it was making some noises he couldn’t understand. Silly lizard, lizards don’t talk. It held up it’s hands, like what some humans did when he barked at them. Maybe this is a smart lizard.
The thing approached again, before leaning a bit to the side to look at his vest. He turned to keep facing it, he did not like lizards nipping at his sides, and this lizard was close enough that he could see it’s teeth and they were big.
The big white lizard said some more things, and looked up. Sgt realized he had forgotten the second lizard as he suddenly rocketed into the air. Something, or rather that other lizard, had grabbed his vest’s handle and he was now flying. He did not like flying, he closed his eyes and curled his body into a tight ball. It was too far up and he wanted down, and he knew if he wiggled he would not be let down nicely.
For what seemed like forever they flew. He did not peek as they flew, and he didn’t want to see how high this lizard was taking him. He did not like heights. He was a good boy, and good boys didn’t get dropped from too high up.
Suddenly he dropped. He yelped and stuck his legs out, trying to land like those evil cats, and to his surprise, he fell only a few inches onto his butt. He laid whimpering, until he remembered those evil lizards. He peeked through his eyelids and saw they had dropped him on a stoney pad and he was facing a closed door. He stood up and turned around to leave until he saw that the stones were a ledge far in the air. He whimpered again and backed into the door with a thump.
The door opened and Sgt. Scooted backwards until he ran into a big human. He smelled like the lizards, but Sgt. could smell past that, he had meat. The human looked at him, with a weird look that Sgt. only saw his humans make when they were walking in circles in the forest, so Sgt. knew this human was lost.
The human got down on my level, he said things I couldn’t understand, but he said them nicely while holding out a meat stick. Sgt. was hungry, but his Human never let him take food from weird people, and a human that smelled like a lizard was definitely a weird human. The Weird man continued to make nice noises, and waved the meat stick.
Okay, maybe this once he could take food from weird people. Sgt. grabbed the meat gingerly and started chewing the dry meat.
The Weird man reached around Sgt’s head, stopping to scratch his ears as he did, and felt for his collar. Sgt. did not really appreciate this, he was busy eating, and having a hand at your throat made things a bit more difficult. But the lizard human found what he was looking for and rotated his collar to look at his tag.
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“Deutsche Schokolade” Sgt’s ears perked up at this. The Lizard man at least knew his name, so that was a good sign that he wasn’t all bad.
The human left a few more pieces of meat on the floor and turned to talk to Meanie lizard, the one who made him fly. They gestured in his direction a few times, and they were saying something, but none of it was “Good Boy” so Sgt. didn’t care. The Lizard man turned back to Sgt. and started giving commands, and pointing. Lizard man was using the wrong words though, so Sgt. ignored him. His last human used the right words, and he didn’t smell like the mean lizard, so Sgt. felt that he was still a good boy.
“Nieder!” Sgt. knew that one, the floor was cold and hard though, but he must be a good boy so he laid down, putting his head on his front paws.
The Lizard man turned to the other lizards and said more things to them. When was he going to give Sgt. more meat? Sgt was a good boy, and was hungry. Also, the meat was good, if a bit dry for Sgt’s liking. One last lizard landed behind Sgt. He did not like the lizards being behind him, they were going to ma------BALL!
That last lizard had his tennis ball in its hands, holding it with the tips of two of its fingers and said a few things as it walked over to the Lizard man. The Lizard man made a motion of throwing it and said a few more things. Then the lizard, now to be known as Evil Lizard threw the ball, back out the door and over the ledge where it disappeared from sight.
Sgt. whined and put his head back down. First the Meanie lizard made him fly, now the Evil Lizard thought he was stupid enough to jump from that ledge for Ball. Ball was important, but Sgt. was not a cat, and could not land like them. Lizard man at least sounded angry, gesturing more at the ledge until Evil lizard jumped and flew from there. Sgt. was happy she was gone, he did not like her anymore.
While he was distracted, the Lizard man started opening the pouches on his vest. He looked at him and growled. Those were his Human’s things, not Lizard man’s.
“Leicht, ich gebe zurück” Sgt. didn’t believe that he would give them back, but he was a good boy and good boys listened, so he huffed and laid his head back down.
The human took the stuff from the pouches and put them onto a table, before coming and opening the last big one. The treat pouch. Sgt. started wagging his tail, he was a good boy, so maybe Lizard man was going to give him a treat. But, no, the Lizard man put them on the table also, and started talking to the Meanie lizard again.
Sgt. was tired, the flying had made him feel bad, and he was starting to feel like he needed to nap, but Meanie lizard was still there, so nap time would need to be kept for later. Evil lizard chose this point to return, with his ball, but Sgt. knew it would just try to make him jump from the ledge again, so he ignored it as it made to throw the ball. After a few moments Evil lizard gave up and set the ball next to Sgt’s snout, so he rolled it under his chin and sat. Evil lizard was at least not stupid enough to try the same trick twice.
Lizard man turned and walked away, saying something to a Bite-sized lizard Sgt. hadn’t noticed before. Bite-sized was standing in a doorway staring at Sgt. as the Lizard man talked to it.
*Crinkle* That got Sgt’s attention immediately, it was his treat bag being opened, and the Meanie lizard was sticking one of his treats in it’s mouth. No, Meanie lizard was not Good Boy, Meanie lizard does not get treats!
Sgt. hopped up, and went through Evil lizard's legs and bit Meanie lizard's tail, hard. His metal teeth punctured her skin as the Meanie lizard jumped and yelped in pain. Maybe Meanie lizard will be a Good Boy and get treats later from Lizard man, but not Sgt’s treats.
Lizard man, rushed over, yelling, “Lass, böser Junge!”
Sgt. let go of the tail, but he continued to growl until Meanie lizard had the treats pulled from her hand by Lizard man. Not fully satisfied, he continued to glare at the Lizard man until he put the pack back into Sgt’s vest. Meanie lizard held its tail with one hand and pointed with it’s other. It’s grating noises getting onto Sgt’s nerves.
Lizard man waved the Meanie lizard away, and it went out of the room, big feet stomping as it waved its arms in the air. The Lizard man led Sgt. to a chair in the corner of the room and motioned for him to sit.
Sgt. hopped up into the chair and settled down. His vest was feeling lighter than usual, but just meant that he was able to find a more comfortable position easier than he expected, and soon he had slipped off into slumber.
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Sgt woke to a hand shaking him, and a piece of dry meat being waved under his nose. He bit into the meat before opening his eyes showing that weird human.
‘So it wasn’t a dream.’ He thought to himself as the Lizard man walked away, before turning back and waving him on.
Following the Lizard man from the room out into the hallway, Sgt. was relieved that there were normal stairs, if set a bit taller and thinner then he would have liked. A dog would have to be careful to not trip down stairs like these.
The Lizard man led Sgt. to a door, where he knocked and waited for a moment. The door opened and the Lizard man said something to the Meanie lizard as it glared at Sgt. Sgt simply sat down and yawned, showing off all of his teeth, including all his shiny ones. If Meanie lizard wanted to try anything again like eating his treats, he was making sure it knew he had the teeth to back up his bark.
The Meanie lizard eventually opened the door, and shut it quickly behind it. Sgt. wandered through the small room, ignoring the amount of smells bombarding his nose. How did they live like this? Did they ever wash those sheets? He pulled a pillow from a seat and walked to the corner closest to the window. At least the breeze coming in through it provided some fresh air.
Sgt. watched as the Lizard man undressed and got into the bed with the Meanie lizard. It gestured at him and made it’s weird noises as the Lizard man just continued to wrestle it down, taking its clothes off. He closed his eyes and huffed, hoping that they would at least not be too loud.
The human continued apparently and talked those same weird noises as the Meanie lizard, and at one point jumped off the bed for something. That brought a whole new smell that made Sgt. wrinkle his nose. Screw the sheets, did that human ever wash it’s socks and feet? That smell was making Sgt’s eyes sting. He turned his face towards the wall until the human got back into the bed with Meanie.
After a few more protests from Meanie, they continued to wrestle again. No wonder the Lizard man smelled like the lizards. Sgt. didn’t want to deal with them anymore, at this rate, between it screaming like he bit it’s tail again, and the smells, the horrible disgusting smells emanating from that bed, he knew he was not going to get any sleep in that room. He quietly trotted over to the door, which was latched with a weird door handle he was not familiar with.
After a moment or two of studying it, he just rammed his shoulder into the door, which promptly popped open without much difficulty. Lizard man and Mean continued wrestling, so he decided they did not really care about him leaving the room. The slide out of the door and down the hallway, just simply following his nose to somewhere better smelling.
He could faintly smell what he presumed to be the kitchen and headed that direction. Maybe they left a snack out for him, and if not, he could sleep by the food, it would at least clear out that smell. He continued down the hallway until he rounded a corner and saw a lizard walking with a big pointy stick and a lantern.
The lizard froze, and Sgt. could smell the fear rolling off of it. Sgt. really didn’t want to deal with another lizard, so he just walked up to it, nudged it’s leg out of his way, and continued to the kitchen. If the lizard was smart, it would follow him to open the cold box so he could get snacks, but the lizard was too afraid, and remained frozen in the middle of the hallway.
Sgt came to another door, this one also closed, but he could smell food on the other side, and what worked on one door might work on another, so he rammed his shoulder into the door. This one also popped open and swung silently open on well maintained hinges. The floor in the large room was spotless as he sniffed around the tables. He could smell lots of meat, of all kinds, and, better yet, he did not smell any of the little green trees his Human always tried to make him eat.
At the back of the room, another door, also easily opened with a solid shoulder check, and Sgt. entered what he presumed to be the kitchen. The smells in here made his mouth water, but as he let his nose lead him he almost didn’t notice that he was alone. He made it to the back of the kitchen, where Evil lizard was standing with a bunch of bite-sized lizards at a cabinet. Each one of the lizards had a big piece of jerky in their hands.
Sgt. froze, the lizards froze, and down the hallway, the lizard with a stick was probably still frozen. This lasted until one of the smaller bite-sized lizards, the same one from earlier that day from the workshop, brandished a piece of jerky into Sgt’s face.
He blinked once, before chomping down on the jerky, making sure to miss the little hands by a fair distance. Never bite the hand that feeds you, like a Good Boy. All the lizards jumped and gasped until the little one held up it’s hand, almost like it was celebrating. With the hand still up, it walked closer to Sgt, and reached with it’s other hand carefully, until it just could barely reach Sgt’s neck, where it gave a little pet.
Sgt didn’t really care, he had his food, so if Bite-size here wanted to pet him, so be it. He leaned into the hand while still chewing, which prompted the little one to pet him harder.
Okay, Sgt did care, those talons the lizards had were heaven, they itched right down to the skin, giving immediate relief to that itch that had been there for a while. Sgt sat down with a thump and leaned closer to the little lizard, eyes closing as his tail started wagging.
The other little ones saw this as their opportunity to join in the petting, they all gave Sgt. their jerky, leaving him with a sizable pile, before they all started stroking any of his fur not under his vest. Evil lizard soon shooed the little lizards out of the room, the whole crowd making sad noises. It stopped to rub Sgt’s ear, before it too left the kitchen, leaving him alone in the middle of the room with a pile of jerky in front of him.
‘Well, whatever hits the floor becomes mine’, he supposed, as he started snacking away. By the time he completed the pile, he was quite full, and was feeling drowsy again, so he went over to the hearth and laid down, leaning against the warm brick oven and fell asleep with a full belly.