I am paralyzed.
The body refuses to listen.
Even heart seemed to stop.
This scene...
I don't know why, but I find it aesthetic.
How do I feel looking at all this?
Fear? Bitterness? Anger? Or is it...
Could it be... That I'm fascinated...?
I have to think about it carefully.
But my thoughts are stopped.
Consciousness flows away somewhere into the distance.
I'm... falling asleep...
...
...
......
........
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Part 1
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[17.09.12.9]
The first thing I feel when I wake up is cold.
Cold...
Very cold...
Strange.
Breath in. Then exhale.
When I finally come to my senses, I realize. My bed is soaked with sweat. Through and through. Even wringalable.
Thirst arose. I lost too much fluid last night.
When I think about it, my whole body cramps. Especially in the abdominal area.
I'm throwing up.
Thrice.
Fortunately, there was nothing inside that could come out.
I just lay on the floor convulsing for a while.
It makes me feel a little better after that.
I open the window to air out the room and leave.
Maybe this kind of waking up doesn't seem like something normal for a healthy young person, but it's become commonplace for me lately.
It all started a few months ago, I think.
I started having nightmares from time to time.
I often woke up in the middle of the night. But nothing else.
A week later, the frequency of bad dreams increased. I've already seen them every day.
It flowed into insomnia.
I had to buy sleeping pills.
...It didn't help.
I think lack of sleep was the root cause of my current situation.
Everything started to fall apart.
Now, as soon as I close my eyes, the same scene comes to mind. For some reason, it causes a throbbing pain in my head.
I stopped eating. Any food just came back out.
I was making cocktails instead. Anything that could put me on my feet after a month of fasting was used. Coffee, energy drinks, lemon juice, vitamins in tablets and other rubbish. I even managed to add liquid protein there.
The first time, I had to sit on the toilet for hours.
Now I fill it with a third kilogram of sugar.
With this ratio, it's even delicious. Although it still periodically refuses to be absorbed. But that's not important.
The main thing is that these cocktails really gives the desired effect. I couldn't wish for more.
When a person is in such a state, rest is necessary, and bed rest is even more desirable.
— It will only make it worse...
That's why I'm going to school. There is no other options.
Another glass of cocktail gives me the necessary energy I need.
At least I don't wobble when moving, and I no longer resemble a half-corpse. Although...
My hands are still shaking.
— ...
Putting on the first thing that came to hand, I went out.
Looks like it's too early.
I glanced at my wristwatch.
4:37
I've been awake for hours, but didn't even notice such a banal thing.
My alertness is at an all-time low. As well as mental abilities.
(No wonder.)
I live in the suburbs when my school is near the center.
What was I thinking when I chose a school...?
Of course not with my head.
It's unpleasant to realize this, but... facts are facts.
If you look at it from a different angle... This distance is enough to kill all the time that I got because of the downed mode.
Ten kilometers. Two hours is enough. If I don't fall off on the way.
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Part 2
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It's just too much for me.
I've already exhausted my strength on the second one.
I just lose consciousness.
...
.....
.......
Second awakening of the day.
I find myself lying on a street bench.
— Eh...?
It's not a street bench. I'm already in the schoolyard.
Wait...
There was no way I could be here.
I've only walked a kilometer or two. Not even halfway.
And now suddenly I find myself right in front of the school entrance.
— ...
(Did someone bring me here? And just left without reminding?)
I would never believe that someone would drag a man on his hump to the other end of the city.
It would be much more reasonable to call an ambulance or drag me to the hospital.
No... most likely I was brought by car. It sounds more plausible. Yes. Much more plausible.
I sigh with relief.
Wait... I'm thinking about wrong stuff at all...
It doesn't matter if it's a car or not... Why didn't anyone declare themselves?
The anxiety that has gripped me gradually turns into tension.
(What the hell?)
After looking around as carefully as I can, I couldn't find a single person.
That... those who dragged me here are not here.
They just dragged and left.
How did they even know I needed to come here? ...Do these people know me?
Someone I know?
— ...
If so, then it's even more strange.
(Maybe I just overextended myself? Went all the way on autopilot, and then fell of here...)
It sounds too far-fetched.
No matter how hard I tried, I could not come up with a clear answer to any of the questions.
In the end, all I achieved was paranoia.
I looked at my watch.
5:59
I was delivered in an hour maximum. I don't know how long I've been lying here.
So it really is a car...
For some reason, it makes me feel better.
Anyway, I'm in school now. And it looks like there's no one else here but me.
There is still time before lessons start.
And yet I go to class. I don't feel like doing anything.
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Part 3
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I spent the rest of the time doing nothing. I didn't even notice the classroom filling up with people.
I came to myself only with a bell ring.
I have to keep myself normal. I don't give anyone a reason to worry.
It's pretty hard.
But...
I can handle it.
Right up to the lunch break, I pretended to be an exemplary student.
Even though I didn't write a single word.
I think if I try, I'll float away.
But now it's lunch time. If I don't move, I'll draw attention to myself. Somehow I feel that way.
I should just walk to the store and back. No need to touch the food.
Yeah...
Somehow getting up, I leave the classroom.
...
...
— …
...Why do I always feel like someone is watching me?
I want to believe it's just paranoia.
Even if it's a hallucination. Just a reaction to lack of sleep.
Everything is fine... isn't it?
I m-a-d-e i-t u-p.
Objection.
It's just that my brain refuses to accept it.
Objection.
I want to sleep.
Objection.
But then I got killed.
Objection.
It's just a bad dream.
Objection.
A prophetic dream.
— ...
What kind of nonsense is this?
What just happened?
Am I losing my mind?
It's as if my brain is sparring with itself.
My head is splitting.
The bad thoughts have stopped.
I'm in a store. That's partly what saved me.
Food makes me sick, so I'll settle for a bottle of water.
Should I go back?
(As if I have a choice...)
...
Back in class, I drink half a bottle in one sitting. I'm sweating profusely.
This water has slightly changed the situation. The body seems to have come out of a critical situation, now I'm terribly sleepy.
I don't understand how my body works at all.
The nightmares won't stop.
Right now they come as soon as I close my eyes.
But...
I can't handle this anymore.
I sleep three hours a week. So far I've managed to stay on cocktails, but as soon as the effect passes, I immediately pass out.
It seems that this is exactly the case.
Sprawled on the desk in an embrace with water, I fall asleep.
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Part 4
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I wake up in the dark. Look at the watch.
17:23
Lessons ended a long time ago. I'm the only one in class.
No one remembered about me.
— No nightmares this time...
I didn't dream at all. I slept like a dead man.
Could this herald the beginning of my recovery?
I would like to believe.
I look out the window.
The sky is overcast.
Rain. Strong wind.
The harbinger of a thunderstorm.
It doesn't seem logical to go anywhere right now.
However, I fold up and head for the exit without noticing the absence of one item. I remembered this right before I left.
When I get back, I search the classroom.
Unsuccessfully.
There is no water bottle anywhere.
Considering that I slept with my head on it...
There's no way it could have gotten lost.
— Someone steole my water?
Sounds pretty funny.
...Except to me.
Who would want a half-empty water bottle? It's perfectly normal. There's plenty in the cafeteria. No need to steal.
What had recently been a relatively comfortable state of mind was rapidly deteriorating.
Calm down. No need to get upset. Everything is fine.
In the end, having decided that this is not such a big dead, I successfully forget about this incident. Even though I'm still freaking out.
It's just much more important to get home now.
The weather is a bit uncooperative.
I don't think having an umbrella here would help.
Normally I would have been able to run to the station without much trouble, but now... I doubt it.
While I was thinking, the rain intensified.
Fears about a thunderstorm were confirmed.
But in the morning there was not a cloud in the sky...
The sound of rain mixed with the thunder. The wind howled. A little more and his impulses could have destroyed something.
It's like nature itself is synergizing with my mental state.
It seems funny.
I'm getting a little jammed up.
I'll go on foot.
There's a painful urge to be struck by lightning.
Maybe this will stop these dreams.
I feel nauseous.
The head is spinning.
A lump in the throat grows, as if when modeling a snowman.
Body is so wadded up...
There were only five minutes in comfort.
Now it has returned to its common state.
— Damn it...
Lightning won't solve anything.
I need to get home. Make a cocktail, and...
And...
... And what?
The ideal option was sleep, but not in my case.
So I really have nothing to do.
This part is the worst.
Not only does my physical and mental state leave much to be desired, but I also can't do anything about it.
Time heals. I don't know if they're telling the truth or not, but...
It's my only hope.
I constantly convinced myself that sooner or later everything would stop, return to normal.
The time that should heal is surprisingly slow.
The exception was sleep, but that option is problematic.
The point is, I don't even have anything to do.
Sleep is slowly destroying my psyche, and my physical condition makes it impossible to do anything at all.
All my free time I am half delirious, half fainting.
And at the same time I'm bored.
I just stare at the wall, unable to occupy myself with anything else.
I am becoming more and more convinced that I am in some kind of hell.
A hell from which there is no escape.
— Death?
Repeat the fate of dreams?
Make them come true?
Sounds good.
Now I'm having suicidal thoughts.
Let's write it down.
I wonder why I never thought of it before.
Is my will to live that high?
I don't know.
These stupid thoughts won't change anything.
I need to go home.
Patience. My only weapon. Just wait and everything will be fine. I don't even need to believe it. I just know.
Having cleared my mind of extraneous thoughts, I go outside.
And then I get wet from head to toe.
Are there any rains of this strength at all?
Of course.
There are no people hanging out on the street in this weather.
Need to get to the station. And quickly.
It's not that far.
...
...
Nothing happened along the way.
I successfully reached my destination.
I had to take off my outer clothes.
It doesn't make much sense, since everything got wet.
But this way, maybe I'll dry out faster.
Before I could finish, the train arrived.
Just in time.
As I entered the train, I sat down on an empty seat.
The choice was quite large.
The train is completely empty.
Looking around, I notice only one occupied place.
It's a woman. Rather, even a girl.
Was it just me, or did she just look at me?
As soon as our eyes met, she looked away.
Yeah, well, I'd be surprised too if a bucket of water suddenly walked onto an empty train.
In the end, I successfully forget about everything by staring out the window.
Slowly changing landscapes have a calming effect on the body.
Gradually, the hurricane state of the nervous system returns to normal. The concentration of adrenaline in the blood decreased.
The stormy feeling in the body stopped.
It is replaced by pain. And heat.
It looks like I have a fever.
Only this was not enough.
Running around in the rain wasn't the best idea.
Well, that's my own fault.
In fact, it gave hope. Hope that at least for the duration of the illness dreams will stop.
Wow, I'm glad I'm sick. How low can I fall?
A cold is a cold.
That's not what worries me.
I felt someone's eyes on me again.
For several minutes now, someone has been trying to make a hole in me.
But I'm on the train, and there's no one here except...
I turn around.
No one.
That girl got out a couple of stops ago.
The train is completely empty.
Is this my paranoia again?
— Screw it. Let her look.
My moral strength is at its limit. I feel like a squeezed sponge.
I don't even have the energy to think.
Crawl home.
The only thought I had enough for.
Clinging to it, I got off the train and walked on autopilot towards the house.
I'm definitely not getting out of there for the next few days.