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Bzzzt-
"Authorities from the U.N and the Pentagon are reporting that the Great Dragon downed today came from Russian air-space. President Vladimir Putin has denied all such claims, pointing fingers at-"
Bzzzt-
"It was huge! When the missile hit its head, the thing blew up like a Zepplin with wings and-"
Bzzzt-
"HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGEEEE-"
Bzzzt-
"During the choas today, several reports came in about a second monster running mayhem. A Large and unidentified military vehicle destroyed several stop signs and damaged at least fifteen parked vehicles on the streets of-"
Bzzzt-
"He picks up a bus and he throws it back down!"
"As he wades through the buildings toward the center of town."
"Oh no, they say he's got to go-"
Click.
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By the time we made it home to the apartment it was well past sun-down, not that I anyone could really tell considering half the city was still lit up like torches. Still, in light of everything I was ready to write the day up as a success. We'd done good work, and come out in the green so long as my bank wasn't aflame when I needed to cash my checks on Monday.
Carefully, I extricated myself from Green's heavily armored shell, jumping down with a heavy "Thump" on the familiar pavement. The soft scent of charcoal was pleasant contrast to the overwhelming aroma of diesel fumes I'd been previously been hotboxed, and I took in a deep breath; content with my lot in life. It had all come together, a little bit of fire and flame, but no real skin off my back. Once again I had returned, safe and sound.
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"Great work today Green." I twirled the keys around my finger passing off with a nod in the vehicle's direction. "Oil change bright and early tomorrow, you earned it." I hollered over my shoulder as I unlocked the main door, letting it close as I made my way up the stairs to the second floor to my apartment.
I made it about a single step inside before I heard a voice call out.
"Human." It boomed, deep and filled with displeasure. "You done fucked up."
Reaching blindly for the light in a panic, I found I could see nothing but a glowing pair of eyes that seemed to stare deep into my soul. With a mix of fear and relief, I managed to flick the switch, revealing the abnormal and malignant entity which watched me.
Sitting atop the counter top, the Tabby cat waited. Our eyes met.
"Do I look like a bitch to you?" It asked. "Do I?
My blood curdled. "Shit." I managed to mutter, breath catching.
"No human, not shit. Tuna." The cat leaned forward, fur bristling. "Where is the mother-fucking tuna?"
As it leapt from the counter with claws extended, I was already halfway out the door: Both of my hands pulling it shut behind me in a practiced motion of terror as claws met steel with an awful grinding scratch.
"You've got twenty minutes. Twenty before I piss on everything up in this joke you call a home human. No more." The deep voice threatened behind me as I ran down the stairs, skipping three at a time as my hands slid along the rails.
"Green!" I shouted, opening the apartment door, "Green, we forgot to pick up the-" I stopped, staring at the space a tank had once filled.
In its place, a metallic green unicycle lay casually propped up against the curb.
"Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding."
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The End
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Roll credits
Written by wercwercwerc/jakethesnakebakecake
Directed by James Gunn
Cast:
Jack: Chris Pratt
Fritz: Chris Pratt
Background actors: Chris Pratt
Tabby voiced by: Samuel L Jackson
Green voiced by: German Panzer
Music by Blue Oyster Cult, CCR, REM, and Mastodon.