“Wednesdays,” Dirk thought as he dunked a whole churro into a tall transparent glass of tea, “are the most deceptive day of the week.”
Indeed, according to Dirk’s logic at least, Wednesdays never gained a bad reputation like Mondays and Fridays but were in reality the most tedious and hard to get through. This seemed tremendously unfair to Dirk, who spent a considerable amount of time pondering absurd and pointless topics such as the reputation of various week days. He thought about the fact that Saturdays were severely underrated as he bit into his tea-soaked churro. Predictably, the tea spilled over onto the office floor, the office desk, and Dirk’s best office shirt and tie.
He wrinkled his nose, plopping the soggy remnants of the churro on the side of the desk, and reached under it to grab a handful of paper tissues. The floor and the desk were easy enough to clean off, but the tie was deemed beyond help and was promptly discarded and put into one of the desk drawers. It joined an array of various objects, such as rubber ties, unwrapped candies, broken pencils and foreign coins.
Dirk undid the top button of his shirt and loosened the collar before delegating the rest of the churro into his mouth. Outside his window, the crows were aggregating already, and the sun shone merrily into the room. This was a typical start of a typical day at the agency - but it would not have a very typical end.
After spending the night at Dirk’s apartment, professor Daly followed him to his place of professional occupation. He enjoyed a short but intense tour and now resided in the waiting room, working on a rough draft of a scientific paper. All in all, he found his predicament fairly satisfactory. The detective agency offered unlimited hot drinks, high speed wi-fi, and a popcorn machine that, sadly, they couldn’t enjoy, since Dirk was banned from using it. Combined with the peace and quiet of an empty room, professor decided that this was almost a better place to draft than his very own office.
Meanwhile, Dirk was engaged in his usual detective activity. He started out the work day by attempting to clean up the place a little bit, but got distracted by his cork board. It was a massive, three meters by two meters Goliath that hanged on the wall opposite his desk and was meant as a place to plot out his cases and sort his hunches and guesses. Instead it was a depository of all things Dirk found on the Internet, which he printed out and cut out with scissors and pinned to the cork board in no particular pattern.
Seeing one penguin meme prompted Dirk to search “penguins” on youtube, after which he spent an hour watching a documentary about a gay penguin couple raising a chick together at the New York Zoo. Once finished, still some tears in his eyes, Dirk decided that it was time for brunch. He carefully considered his nutritional needs and came to the conclusion that an omelet with some toast and vegetables on the side would do quite nicely. He returned to the office half an hour later with a whole box of churros in his hands.
After the brunch, he decided to move on to some productive tasks. He cleared out spam from his email, ticked off as read a bunch of notifications which were probably somewhat important but required more executive functioning than he was in possession of at the moment, and prolonged some subscriptions he didn’t even recognize, just in case. After those intense eleven minutes of work, he deserved a break. During that break, he accidentally almost solved an ancient Chinese puzzle in a subreddit and joined the Patreon page of an Australian traveling circus.
He was about to begin another productive session of tasks when he heard professor Daly yelping in surprise and terror. Immediately Dirk rushed to the waiting room, where he discovered the professor standing on the sofa and defending himself with a chair. The person he was defending himself against was Mona.
“Dirk!” Roger exclaimed, his jaw once again relaxed but breathing heavily still. “I was just working on my paper and then the lamp turned into, well,” he gesticulated with the chair, “this very same young lady!”
“Oh don’t worry professor,” Dirk assured him, extracting the chair from his grasp and helping him down to the floor. “That’s my secretary.”
“Your secretary is a… lamp.” Professor Daly discovered in that moment that he had lost his ability to be surprised.
“Professor Daly, this is Mona Wilder. Mona, this is Roger,” Dirk introduced.
“Very pleased to meet you,” Mona grinned, extending her hand for a handshake. “I am so sorry I startled you. I only wanted to say hi and it’s a bit tough to do. You know. As a lamp.”
Professor took her hand cautiously, as if scared she was about to turn him into a lamp.
“Quite extraordinary,” he mumbled once he realized she was indeed a real tangible person. “Quite.”
“When I said I have experience with the outlandish, the bizarre, the exceedingly rare…” Dirk mused. “I meant it.”
Professor Daly decided not to dwell on that. He accepted an offer of tea and churros, after which he returned to the work, while Dirk returned to browsing random Patreon accounts, and Mona returned to happily being a lamp.
Everything was alright for precisely seventy four minutes.
*
The very much not alright part began with a thunderstorm that swept Seattle quite literally out of the blue. One second the sky was clear and bright, and the next it was intensely dark, clouds summoned in an instant like in a childrens cartoon. Most city dwellers did not react to this, safe and sound in their homes, schools, shops and offices. Many noticed already familiar electricity spikes and cutoffs, and most figured it had something to do with the storm. It indeed had something to do with the storm, but not in the way they expected.
The next very much not alright part arrived with a thud. It was a broad, generalized thud that reverberated through the entire building and every room in the detective agency office.
Whack. Dirk jumped out of his chair and span on the spot, looking in every direction. Whack! The source simply could not be identified; it was coming from the walls, the floor and the ceiling at once. Whack! Dirk rushed into the waiting room for the second time that day and found professor Daly clutching his laptop to his chest, tense, eyes wide with terror. Whack! The tiny clock panel on the office microwave went out, and so did the electricity in the entire building. Whack!
A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.
“We have to go, professor,” Dirk whispered loudly.
“Where?!” Roger whispered back.
Not even thinking of thinking, Dirk launched towards the window and looked out. The ground beneath it was clear, nothing but the crows talking nervously among themselves, and the car was close in sight. If they could just move safely three stories down…
“Mona!” Dirk gestured vaguely at the lamp. “We need a…. Rope. No, a ladder! No, that’s too much, we need, we need…”
In a blur of transformations, the lamp became a person, then a large umbrella, then a miniature hot air balloon, then settled on simply being a case of stairs leading to the ground.
“Let’s go,” Dirk urged, climbing out of the window already as the thumping grew in volume and menacing power. “Please, professor.”
After a minute of paralysis, Roger left all his possessions where they were, and accepted Dirk’s hand. Together they ran down the steps and jumped into Farah’s car.
“Keep watch!” Dirk instructed at Mona, who turned into a crow and flew back into the office, then closed the window with a human hand and promptly turned back into a lamp.
The car was already a mile away, speeding across the streets, when the door to the office went off its hinges and crashed against the floor. A tall figure covered head to toe in black fabric walked in and regarded the room. They strolled across it casually, kicking a few pieces of furniture. Unsatisfied with the results, they took a seat at the sofa and put their feet up on the table.
“He has left,” they announced to no one in particular in a static-filled, metallic voice.
*
Trouble was brewing half way across the city at the very same moment. Carol Franklin noticed it first while she was making a fresh batch of her favorite cucumber and cress sandwiches and the toaster went pop with smoke in the middle of its toasting cycle. She tutted, opening the window, and fanned the black smoke out of the room with a towel. Today was not a good day for Mrs. Franklin. She lost on another lottery ticket, and the nice lad who visited her a few days ago (who texted her only yesterday to ask how she was doing) was now not picking up his phone. She had left him a voice message earlier that morning. It was not marked as received.
Meanwhile, Kevin was having one of the biggest struggles of his entire life, trying to wash out a stain from the kitchen floor. He had been at battle with it since 7’o’clock and had by now assaulted it with every cleaning liquid known to man, to no avail. He was prepared to move on to illegal chemical weapons when Farah walked into the kitchen, and made his heart hurt with a sudden uptick in rhythm. Farah was standing up tall, eyebrows ever so slightly frowned, cold determination in her gaze.
“Dirk called,” she explained. “He’s on his way, on a run. And he thinks it’s bad.”
Kevin understood exactly what Farah meant by “bad” when a car arrived, almost crushing into the building, just out of sight from the kitchen window. He watched Farah fish a gun from beneath the sofa cushions and swallowed, deciding that it was not the right moment to ask whether he had been resting on a loaded gun for the last few days.
“Keep watching everything,” Farah instructed Todd from the threshold, “and I mean, everything, including Kevin. Especially Kevin.”
“I don’t need being looked after!” Kevin shouted.
“I don’t have fifty eyes to watch him,” Todd shouted as well.
None of that was heard by Farah, who was already half-way there to the stairs, ready to walk Dirk and professor Daly into the building.
“There they are,” Kevin commented, observing the scene from the opened window. “Seems like no one is following them. Hm.”
“Hm?” Todd repeated. “What is hm?”
“The air,” Kevin shrugged. “Tastes a bit off. Like after a thunderstorm. Or before?”
Todd was about to say something, but wasn’t quick enough. Instead of his remark came another thunderous whack.
“Holy shit,” Todd muttered. “I felt that in my bones.”
“Yes, me too,” Kevin mumbled, already hyperventilating.
He felt a strong urge to latch on to Farah, but since Farah wasn’t there, he had to settle for clutching a sofa cushion.
“They’re coming for me too,” he said, visibly shriveling up. “I am done. I’m done.”
“Hey, dude,” Todd attempted to reassure him. “This might just be a very intense and sudden thunderstorm, right?”
Then, three things happened:
First, there was another terrifying whack. Second, the lights went out, popping the bulbs and making the electric stove go mad for a few seconds. Third, into the apartment rushed Dirk, Farah, and professor Daly, all gasping for breath, especially the professor.
“This was useless,” Dirk announced, slamming the door shut behind him. “They’ve just followed us right back to this place!”
“Well at least we’re all together,” Farah pointed out.
“So what?!” Dirk laughed nervously. “You’re brilliant, Farah, but you’re not good enough to single-handedly protect four people from, excuse me professor, from fuck knows what!”
“Hey.” Todd pouted. “I can help too! Good morning by the way.”
“Bad time for pleasantries,” Dirk hissed. “Sorry. Sorry!” he quickly added. “I thought I’d be accustomed to stress this far into my career but apparently I am not.”
“Listen,” Farah interfered, “we have to decide what we are going to do. We’re either staying put and trying to defend ourselves here, or running away, preferably to a place where we can defend ourselves better. So?” No response, other than a whack. “Hello!”
“We can go to my house,” Kevin said unexpectedly. “It has a basement with a single entrance. It should be the easiest to protect. Oh god, I feel like I’m having a heart attack,” he mumbled, clutching his chest.
The whacking raged on in the background, seemingly with added strength.
“Right! Fine,” Dirk said. “Wait. Why are you all looking at me?” In very quick succession, he first frowned, then opened his mouth in shock, then closed it again, blinked in silence for a few milliseconds, then frowned once more. “Are you expecting me to make a decision?!”
“Whatever.” Farah sighed. “We’re going to Kevin’s house. Right. Here’s what we’re doing. Ugh!” She made the motion to massage her temples, then remembered she was still holding a gun and changed her mind. “Me and Kevin are going first to distract them. The… thing, whatever it is, wants you,” she pointed at Roger, who nodded frantically, “so we’ll be safer. Then once you can tell that the path is clear, you,” she pointed at Dirk and Todd, “take the professor and get him to the car. Kevin’s car, not mine. And start driving around the neighborhood or something. Find us, basically. We’ll be on the run. We’re good?”
None of them were good, including Farah, but this had to suffice.
“Right,” she said, grabbing Kevin by the arm. “Ready or not… we’re going.”
*
The runaway was an utter blur for all parties involved. One moment, Farah was running, Kevin holding on to her elbow for dear life. The next she suddenly stopped dead in her tracks; a tall figure glowing bright was blocking the way, reaching towards them and, just for a split second, Farah could almost distinguish a human face beneath the glow.
Then she fired her gun.
She did not think after that; instead, she concentrated all her willpower and strength on getting Kevin out and finding a hideout far away from the building. There she sat, breathing heavily, hoping that she had not left Dirk and Todd in mortal danger.
Luckily for Dirk and Todd, all they encountered was confusion and occasional thumping. Todd saw from the corner of his eyes two figures somewhere under the stairs, one holding the other, talking to each other in what sounded like TV static. They escaped the building three seconds later. Escaped, ran towards the car, and wheeled away at mind boggling speeds. They didn’t quite remember how Farah and Kevin ended up in the car, or how they made it to Kevin’s house.
Upon arriving there, all five rushed into the basement and closed it shut.
And there they sat - confused, exhausted, shaking… watching the beautiful blue water in the underground water pool shimmer under the faint LED lights like the smooth surface of a great majestic lake.