I looked at the knife in my hands. My hand trembled as I slowly brought it over to my neck, a neck filled to the brim with cuts and scars, proof of the many, many attempts so far.

For how long have I been trapped in this body? For so long, I have disappointed my family, abused my friends... abused myself. This body is not me. 

I have hated myself for as long as I can remember. A life fulfilled, friends coming over every night to keep me company and support me, drugs never have even entered my sight, my family coming over every time they got the chance... And yet, I still do this.

Isn't it disgusting? How can I, a person blessed with such good fortune, still be so miserable on the inside. I lost count of how many times I cursed at the gods above if there are any. How many times have I told myself 'just end it'.

And yet, for 21 years, 5 months and 12 days, I have continued this miserable existence. I buried myself inside video-games to escape reality during my teenage years, but now that I need to work, I cannot even hide anymore.

I wake up in the morning, walk to the mirror and look at my reflection. Five times, that mirror broke. Five times, I had to get an operation for my broken hand and three times I risked forever losing said hand.

My hand unconsciously lowered, bringing the knife away from my neck as tears threatened to burst through my eyelids. And yet, I used up all of my remaining willpower and, with a swift cut, plunged the knife into my throat.

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For an instance, nothing happened. Then, all strength left my body. Surprisingly, I didn't feel anything. No pain, no regrets, nothing.

Instead, I closed my eyes. I could feel my head getting lighter by the second, and yet, for some reason, an image of a beautiful beach appeared in my mind.

I have always loved the sea. I love its animals, I love the feeling of water on my skin, I love what it represents: freedom inside of order.

Every sea creature is free, and yet, they are all there for a reason. Sardines are free, they can run wherever they want, and yet, they belong there. They have a place, a reason, a belief for them. 

Finally, I felt like I was about to fall unconscious. My head was clear of all thoughts, except that beautiful beach. Slowly, the image became clearer and clearer.

However, I felt like something was missing. I wanted to be there, be inside that beautiful picture. I couldn't simply allow myself to disappear like this. I needed one happy moment in this tragic life, or else, I will have an unwashable regret when I enter that special place in Hell for suicide victims. 

Hence, with a willpower that even surprised me, I picture the real me inside of that dream.

Finally, right as I die, I smile for one last time as I look at this strange image inside my mind. It's beautiful. With that thought, I let myself be consumed by the encroaching darkness.

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"AAAAAAAAAH!" I screamed as I threw myself up. Pain coursed through my body, making me feel like I was being devoured alive by ants and on fire at the same time. 

My limbs spasmed randomly, and only after 5 minuted did my body return to normal.

However, by that time, I was unconscious again.