For a month after that night I was confined in my room, waiting for my period, while crying day and night for myself. But my period didn't came. I hadn't bleed for forty days now, and knew I was pregnant. Everyone in my palace and my brother knew too. That we had to get ready for the wedding. I met Sasha in my brother's private room for the first time after our engagement, saw how miserable he was and felt even guiltier. He was forced to be a father right before a war, to not see his unwanted child at least for four years. But apparently I looked even paler since my brother who hadn't visit me much was surprised by my paleness. "I think we should have an engagement ceremony in a week and then a wedding one month from now. And I suggest you to put on some makeup since you look like a corpse" said my brother somehow cheerful without any understanding of our misery."If You have anything to discuss you can stay here and talk, I'll be off to my library" said Fyodor."No I should discuss some details about the ceremony with you, if it's all right, I'll vome eithy you to your library" said Sasha. Fyodor looked at me and when saw me without reaction, left the room with Sasha. While I was letting my tears to run.
The engagement ceremony went smoothly, I danced a mellow song with him and then was off to a private room to avoid everything and everyone. I sat there imagining our wedding, how grave we both should look. I stayed there with no one joining me for the whole banquet. And was off to my palace earlier than anyone else.
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My life had turned upside down in two months and it was all my own fault. I lied on the bed and thought about the baby growing inside and tried to imagine how it looked like. It probably looked like it's father since the darker genes are always the dominant ones amd I could be happy that it wasn't going to be like me, like Anna. That night I cried myself to sleep to wake up with a horrible pain and feeling blood betweeny legs. My baby was dead. And I didn't feel relieved, I knew Sasha would be happy to hear the news and foe his sake called my maid.
The news reached it's targets,my brother was iny chamber shortly after his breakfast he inspect about my well-being and said he should've made an excuse for me to not dance. But I knew it wasn't the dance that killed my baby it was karma making me pay for the pain I caused Sasha. My baby would've died whenever I felt something about it. And good for Sasha that I was sentimental enough to feel something about a bunch of cells trying to shape something coherent. When my brother left I was left alone to mourn my baby.
Next day I was informed that the wedding was off due to my poor health and my fiance was off to south in one week to be the Commander of our army in defense of our territory. My lady in waiting sent a charm from my behalf, just to save face. And I stayed in my room not even crying anymore.