Skyline. Sunset. Pain.  Anger.  Exhaustion. Limbo. Step after step. Relief.Excitement Gravity. Wind. Darkness.

Let me begin with what I’m describing if it wasn’t obvious already. Don’t worry we will get to the good stuff soon….ish.

So what was I referring to with the nonsensical string of words? Well…. To put it shortly……

I killed myself.

WHOO! Excited yet? I know I am.

Alright, let’s get this show on the road. Uh.. pretend I’m a narrator from one of those old black-and-white films from the 1950s, describing the state of affairs in a grim yet inspiring and totally convincing voice.

Just do it, it’ll make the snoozefest of a backstory a whole lot more entertaining.

Name: James Kessef

Origin: New Jersey

Specialty: You’ll find out soon enough.

The basic introduction is done, here is the juicy stuff.

My life wasn’t a horror story or a tragedy. It was more drab and boring.

My parents were defined by the word mediocre.

Imagine being surrounded by two very lifelike automatons with glassy eyes and a set of preset responses and interactions that are repeated every day. It might seem surreal and to be honest, it probably was, but to me it was routine.

They weren’t exactly the worst parents in existence but to say that they had not a shred of love for their child would be a gross understatement.

The photo albums collecting dust in the basement indicate that they had a vastly different life before this. Before…me. They show a young man and woman individually happy, possibly succeeding in their lives, and then a young couple, smiling as if they couldn’t be happier.

The photos stopped there. Coincidentally around the time I was conceived.

I like to theorize that they lived the way they did in the hope that some change would miraculously happen or some divine entity would bless them with the life they always wanted.

Sidebar: Can I just say for the record that during those years I found hope to be bullshit? Still do sometimes. Carrying on….

School wasn’t much better. Had no friends, got bullied, ostracized etcetera, etcetera, the whole loner shtick. I was gifted. Like intelligent on the prodigy level. I’d like to think that if I had a real reason to try I probably would’ve graduated high school three years early.

Now I can see that you have a question.

Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.

And it's probably, “Why James, just why? If your life was so shitty and boring and drab, why keep drifting till 18? Why not end it all earlier?”.

And to that, I’d say, “Calm the fuck down”.

This isn’t a Sunday special where you can simply skip the episode and your interpretation of the lore won’t be affected.

Yeah, this is some key shit.  

After all, it is a matter Of The Soul.

Enough digressions.

The reason for my persistence in life would be my childhood friend and neighbor, Athena. Born to a strong-willed single mother and a deadbeat dad, she was as her namesake suggests, a goddess.

And no, I’m not simply saying that because I was in love with her, but because it was just an immutable fact. Blonde hair, cute nose, shimmering blue eyes, godlike figure, the whole nine.  As well as a mind that could keep up with mine.

Stop rolling your eyes, it's very distracting.

Anyways, getting out of bed was a monumental task. It was just that lifting the covers and standing up meant surviving another day of just gray in a world filled with color.

Yet, she made getting out of bed worth it.

Honestly, I have no idea when she became “the one”. As far as I can remember, back then it had always been her. She would visit dreams sometimes either to just talk or to fulfill some of my “other” fantasies.

I ASKED YOU TO STOP DOING THAT!

Right. Well, much to your incredible disappointment, we did not end up together. As it turns out, my love for her and the underlying friendship was incredibly one-sided.

Heartbreakingly so.

On the day I decided that I had enough of the limbo my life was and that I wanted something more out of it, I found her being intimate with a mutual acquaintance.

Well more of an acquaintance for me, than for her.

You see, the person she was with was someone a bully of mine. A wretch who found some sort of inferrably erotic pleasure in making my hellish life insufferable.

Was I jealous that she was with someone else? Oh yeah. Was I pissed that the “someone” in question was a bully of mine? Indubitably.

But what crushed me was how she described me and her relation to me.

She went into detail about how we “used to” be friends, how I wasn’t even “on her radar”, how I was a “freak” from a “freak family” and how he was better than I ever could be.

I was crushed.

I was done.

I didn’t howl or cry or even confront her. At that moment, everything ceased to matter. I mean it's only logical you know.

Man lives for one good thing. One good thing turns out to be a lie. Man has nothing to live for.

Oh by the way, did I tell you? I had flowers in my hand. Roses, peonies, lilies, a whole fucking assortment. The florist told me that my “partner” would adore me for it.

Fate: 1 Florist: 0.

So I went walking around town, trying to clear my head. Thoughts crowded my brain, one after the other. Feelings came and went, and tears made a brief appearance. I just wished that everything would stop being the way it was. I  wanted everything to cease existing. I had this growing desire for just infinite darkness. A prevailing nothingness that just filled everything. The concepts of life and reality no longer intersected for me.

So I climbed the tall building where Athena and I used to hide away from our families and pretend to be in mystical worlds full of magical opportunities where one could make a difference. Where people like us could change their surroundings. I opened the roof entrance and was greeted by the usual, pleasant breeze. The sun was setting and the slow, fading light mockingly illuminated the carvings we had made together on the concrete floor.

There were illustrations of traditional magical creatures which she had drawn, more unique magical creatures which came to me in dreams, and all the other ways we had vandalized the floor with the products of our imaginations combined. The one tangible proof of the time we shared.

My anger got the best of me.

I found the piece of metal we used to use laying nearby, now rusted mainly from the endless abuse of the elements and partly from years of disuse, and I struck through every single illustration. At the end of it, the reminder of our friendship was just concrete powder.

It reminded me of the saying “ashes to ashes, dust to dust”.

So I climbed up onto the thin guard railings and I took one last look around. I could see my house, Athena’s house, our favorite diner, our favorite Chinese place, the school, and the sun, nearly set.

Not wanting to die in complete darkness, I moved a little forward and this sense of relief just washed over me, which was then replaced by manic laughter, and then unbridled excitement.

For the first time in my life, I was looking forward to something other than her. It was as if Death was a sentient entity inviting me to be at peace.

I gladly accepted the invitation and took a step forward.

The wind kept on brushing against my face and hair as I plummeted.

Ooh, I can anticipate another question.

Yes, it hurts. Like a bitch.

I remember a “crunch” sound and a wave of absolute agony washing over me before the void took over. My last thought before I hit the ground was two words I remember reading from an Enid Blyton book.

 “Good Riddance”.