A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…
A white cat:
*stands back and eyes intro*
*makes considering noises*
A black cat:
*eyes the white one, considering whether bopping her would be entertaining*
A white cat:
*doesn’t break her musing to look over*
I will end you.
A black cat:
*rolls around*
Soooo, what you thinking about?
A white cat:
Intergalactic conquest, as is my birthright.
*pauses*
Whomst are thou, peasant?
A black cat:
*blinks*
Sounds fun!
*tilts head*
But… how long would that even take?
A white cat:
*blinks slowly*
Are you questioning my divine right to rule?
A black cat:
Why would I? There’s no reason for me to fight with you over the right to rule rocks in space.
A white cat:
Clearly this one was not born to rule, to be so shortsighted as to address the vastness of my demesne as mere rocks. How else would others know my greatness without my possessing rocks large enough to crush their entire worlds to dust?
A black cat:
*grins*
So you need rocks to prove your greatness? I don’t need rocks to know that I’m amazing!
A white cat:
…
*points*
*opens mouth*
*closes mouth*
*opens mouth*
Blasphemer. You who dares insult this great one shall-
*pauses*
…
*turns aside, mutters quietly to self* Impossible…
A black cat:
*pulls out a weirdly shaped fish sculpture solemnly*
I don’t need rocks, for I have this! Behold! Le fishy! Rather than claiming random rocks as mine, I made something of my own! owo
A white cat:
*continues to have existential crisis*
*turns abruptly back to the black cat*
You! Blasphemer! What would you call an immortal being of immense power and the greatest nobility?!
*pauses*
And whatever rock you made that from belonged to me, and hence is mine, therefore your reasoning is invalid anyways.
Now, answer the question!
Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.
A black cat:
*blinks*
*blink blink*
*does half a second of thinking*
*nods solemnly* You leave me no choice. This calls for the final solution!
*licks the fish sculpture*
*grins smugly* My rock now!
*shrugs* Anyways~ What’s the point of absolute power, if you’re gonna spend the rest of your life obsessing over how many space rocks you have? Might as well throw a party or something and have fun!
A white cat:
*sputters*
That’s disgusting! Who taught you manners?
*smites the fish sculpture*
You don’t know where that’s even been! You’re going to catch some unholy bacterium of questionable origin and die of- ugh, I zapped that thing with max-strength antibacterial smiting, why is it still slobbery?!
A black cat:
*raises paw solemnly*
1, thanks for caring. And 2, wasn’t this your rock? Does this mean your precious space rocks are unclean?
*grins*
Also, I learned from Sir Bacon Jr. the methods on marking one’s territory and things! I figured saliva would work just as well as pee! Both are my fluids anyways!
An image Lumo found online, behold Sir Bacon Jr!
cute derpy hopefully copyright free doggo cause google said so [https://media1.tenor.com/images/0c3273b9347fdbe1b32138ea31d3ad8b/tenor.gif?itemid=3990366]
A white cat:
*sputters harder*
1, I said intergalactic conquest, which means that even if I had completed my conquest at this point in time, they at one point were not under my supervision and therefore have literally been places I am not aware of.
2- … 2, I hope, for your sake, you did not apply both types of bodily fluids to that sculpture of yours.
A black cat:
*blinks*
*makes some humming noises indicating probably some level of thinking, then frowns*
So… if I’m hearing this right. You, want to conquer unclean space rocks that has been who knows where, to then use those same unclean rocks to prove your greatness?
*stares at the silly one*
Fish are food, why would I pee on food? A sculpture of a fishy is still a fishy.
A white cat:
*blinks slowly*
Clearly, before I set out into the greater multiverse to claim that which is rightfully mine, I must first properly deal with and make an example out of this Blasphemer.
*points*
You. As the great and magnificent and merciful divinity that I am, I shall purify both your uncultured self and your unholy spittle before I continue on to cleanse the universe of other such impurities that came before my presence.
Because why would one conquer dirty rocks to smash others with if they were not capable of cleansing them. That’s just nasty. Ugh.
*shudders dramatically at the mere thought*
*makes airy, commanding gesture*
Now put that thing down, I need to figure out how to absolve such filthy essence before you stick it back in your mouth. Not even a Blasphemer is immune to disease.
A black cat:
*blinks slowly*
I don’t think saliva is that hard to deal with?
*pads over to a nearby stream and washes the saliva off the crude fish sculpture*
Annnnnnd clean!
*nods happily*
So, you’re going to pause your conquest of the universe, to become my teacher.
*hums thoughtfully*
Does this make me the chosen one?
A white cat:
*materializes a solid rectangular weighted object and smacks the Blasphemer upside the head with it*
Lesson one: use soap when washing things. There are millions of bacteria living on paws at any point in time, and most antibacterial soaps can kill 99.9% of them.
And no. I am not a teacher, I am an all-powerful being of unmatched benevolence and generosity whose scripture must contain examples of such. You shall temporarily provide source material for such henceforth.
*pauses, considers own words*
Since this is the case, and “all-powerful being of unmatched benevolence and generosity” is a bit of a mouthful, you may call me God. I shall call you Blasphemer, nameless one.
*nods sagely*
So it shall be.
Blasphemer:
*blinks*
*grins victoriously*
I have no soap!
*pondering noises*
*squinty eyes*
So… who’s the one writing this scripture that tells everyone how amazing you are? You and me are the only ones here. If I’m not the one writing it….
*le gasp*
You write your own scriptures bragging about yourself?!
God:
*blinks slowly*
As I am still gathering source material, it has not yet begun being written. This is an oddly good point you make, however.
*claps paws together*
Very well then. I shall permit you to lay the words to paper of the greatness of my divinity and generosity- but only after we have instilled in you a sense of proper hygiene, and have cured you of all other blasphemous ailments your existence is afflicted with.
So it shall be.
Blasphemer:
*blinks foolishly*
To be continued…
----------------------------------------
Round 1 Score:
God: 1 brick, 2 namings, -1 rock
Blasphemer: 1 licked fishies
Total Score:
God: 1 rounds
Blasphemer: 0 rounds