It took Gabi a good long while before she could remember what she was doing. It was the same every time she allowed herself to fall this deep: everything turned into a loud and painful whiteness until suddenly, she was back in her body. And speaking of, her body still felt tense and aching as she tried to get back on her feet from the filthy mud. Sweat drops slid down her forehead, unpleasantly sticky and warm, stinging when they inevitably reached her eyes. Gabrielle let out a little snarl, cleaning her face with a filthy sleeve and taking deep breaths.

She never understood why this happened, why did her body just refuse to follow her orders all of a sudden. It simply came to her, like a storm covering the entire forest without anything that could stop it. Father and the other nuns usually called it “a tantrum”: an explosion of negative emotions coming from a badly mannered, useless child. Gabi was used to harsh words, but for some reason being called “useless” stung particularly badly, and it certainly didn’t help at all when she was in the middle of those “tantrums”.

I try my best…

At least no one there could see this time! Gabi was still a bit far from where the demis were encamped, and definitively far enough from the chapel to be caught in the act by a nun (or worse, one of the girls). This brought her a bit of relief, reinforced by the sudden, refreshing sensation of water drizzling on her hair and back. She sighed, closing her eyes for a moment to try and understand it… rain, it was never a good sign, but today Gabi received the falling drops of cold water with open arms and the hint of a smile.

Until the implications hit her.

Panic spiked on the girl’s chest when she not only realized that the sunny day had suddenly turned into a grey, stormy sky: in the midst of her “tantrum” and who knows for how long, Gabrielle had lost her habit as well. The fear was real, did someone see her? Did someone scream while she couldn’t hear them?

Usually, these thoughts were enough to send her further down into another tantrum, but today for some reason the panic felt so far away that it was less a spike, and more of an echo in her brain.

Everything felt distant, really. As Gabrielle looked around herself, and her hands slowly reached to feel the wet locks of red hair on her head, she could notice how the trees themselves felt less and less… there. Nothing really changed on them, no colours or textures, but for some reason they simply became less of a thing, and more of a shade in Gabi’s world.

“Does that make sense?” She asked herself, not really knowing how to deal with it. The other voices in her head were eerily quiet as well–– they probably screamed so much their throats were sore and tired just like Gabi’s. Their complaints about failure and burnings suddenly felt so weak and unimportant, compared to the relief of the water running down on her little body.

Gabi twirled and played with her hair for a moment–– it felt nice. Soft, a bit warm from the sweat, they way it curved on itself and wrapped on her fingers with such ease always felt so nice to her. In these scarce, quiet moments of solitude, Gabrielle could admit to herself that she really did like her hair. It was a sign of evil, a brand of the wicked, and she hated the trouble and shame that it caused when others looked at it; but even with that, she always liked its colour, its feeling. She enjoyed brushing it in secret using an old wooden comb, putting flowers or leaves in it, washing it carefully on the river or just… looking at it in some reflections.

Normally, admitting this came with a hefty dose of guilt, for she knew that red hairs only grow on wicked, cursed heads–– but right now, even that felt unreal and secondary. Right now, she just felt so far away from everything that, somehow, she had achieved peace. A sickly, temporary version of Nirvana.

No feelings to cloud her, no ideas in her head. Just the rain, and her own, raw self.

Until she remembered the cauldron.

Emotion returned to her with a cold slap, as Gabrielle rushed to check on the old cauldron she left on the floor: the bread had softened a little bit, and water had started to build up inside of the iron walls, but it was nothing that would ruin the food just yet. With another relieved sigh, Gabi threw the water off the cauldron and lifted a bit, nodding to herself. She had to deliver, after all she had promised those demihumans some help! And Saint Martha always delivered on her promises.

The girl prepared to walk the rest of the way, slowly walking over to the filthy habit on the muddy floor. Putting down the cauldron for a moment, she picked her cover up and looked at it for a second… She hated that habit. It was itchy, warm and a constant annoyance, as Gabi had to make sure it stayed on her head at all times. But it was also the only thing that allowed her to go outside and actually live like a person.

She simply couldn’t abandon it.

With a resigned grumble Gabrielle cleaned the dirt off her habit, squeezing the water out of the cheap cloth before putting it on once again. Quietly she bid goodbye to her red hair, making sure not a single lock would peek outside. Only then, when she was properly dressed again, the girl would pick up her precious cargo and start trotting into the forest.

She had to be done with this task quickly, for a storm was clearly about to fall upon them.

—

The fact that Gabrielle had returned at all was quite the surprise for the elves. With the time she had been taking and the coming of the rain, the elves had started to seriously doubt the little girl’s intentions and started to make a risky plan B: to await for the veil of night and take a second shot at stealing from the Church. Adella’s relief knew no bounds when she saw the scrappy little kid return with a cauldron in her hands and no other figures following her.

The fact that she had brought bread with her?? That was even more of a surprise, to the point where they would call it a little miracle. It was soggy, bland bread, but the sustenance itself would be enough to keep them moving for a day or two, and that was the perfect amount of time to get some rations with the rest of the Caravan once they managed to catch up.

Morale among the elves had turned upside down in a second, and even with the rain falling upon their backs they were more vital and motivated than ever. This sort of good luck had to be a sign from Mother Moon that their fate was to reach her after all.

Bohllin and Gabrielle sat down under a tree as the rest of the caravan worked on the cart. The young elfling had his leg bandaged and immobilized just as precaution, and should be ready to work once more in a few days. As for Gabrielle… the elves didn’t really dare to push their luck with her, forcing the kid to work after bringing them the tools; and besides, the red and swollen eyes really made it clear that she was in no shape to push herself further.

“We’ll take it from here, lil’ scamp! You rest your tired arms under the tree.” They simply patted her head and ruffled her habit for a moment. “Thank you though, really. You’re a good soul after all, lil’ scamp!”

… A good soul…?

Gabi obeyed without a word, her face frozen all of a sudden. Walking in a stiff fashion until letting her body flop down on the muddy soil, right under the chosen tree. She looked down on her own hands and tried to wrangle her inner voices back into some calm while she had a chance to rest, but…

Did… did I do good this time?

It was a mere pat on the head, right? They just patted her, thanked her for being “a good soul”, and smiled while going back to work. That was it, that was all, right?

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They weren’t even human, and Father always said that the words of the demihuman were inherently less worthy than any person’s opinion, and yet… they filled her. They filled an empty space inside of her, one that she didn’t really notice before; no, scratch that, she did notice that void but, only when she was in the deepest of her tantrums.

These demihumans filled her with hope. Maybe she wasn’t useless after all, maybe following Saint Martha’s steps was a good idea.

Yeah… yeah! This, this is the right path!

Did she just give the words of these elves meaning because she wanted to feel good about herself? Was she being that selfish right now? Gabi frowned, complicated questions swirling around her brain with words she had no definitions for and feelings she was not ready to address. She was already feeling another “tantrum” pushing up from the depths of her throat when Bohllin’s voice called.

“Oi, are you okay there, sister? Your eyes are doing that weird thing again.”

Gabrielle gasped, jumping in place and looking at the elfling with a bewildered expression. How long had he been there?! Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to calm down.

“...What weird thing? I don’t do weird things.” Gabi stated, shamelessly lying. The first thing most people called her was weird. “I was just thinking… wait, no, not thinking, I was–”

“Yeah you do.” Bohllin frowned, crossing his arms. “You were looking right down, with very open eyes, and didn’t even blink! Not once! And I was counting, eh?” The girl blinked out of surprise there. “It doesn’t count if you do it now! Cheater! Doesn’t that hurt??”

“Doesn’t what hurt?”

“Not blinking!”

Hurt…? She sometimes felt bothered by some sensations, but it was very rare for things to really “hurt” her. Really, the only times Gabi could feel the pain in her body were those odd moments when another girl tried to stab her, or during those nights with Father’s Ascension attempts.

Her eyes had never been an issue.

“I don’t think so. Well, not think, I mean like, I think but it’s not…It’s complicated.”

“What is? The eye thing?”

“No, the thinking thing!” The blinking issue was, honestly, not really interesting to the little girl, as she was already fixated on her own verbal twists. “I don’t think that I think, but I don’t know any other word for it? What do you call that?”

Bohllin’s eyes narrowed slightly, this girl simply got weirder by the second.

“I think that I am thinking but I’ve been told I do things without thinking, so what I am doing is not thinking then, it’s something else. Something bad and silly, I guess.” Gabrielle sighed, looking down. “Really, I can’t get the hang of that. Like, when you hear your own voice telling you things in your mind.”

“That’s an expression! They’re calling you dumb, they don’t mean you’re not thinking. Or, well, they are? But not because you are literally not thinking, it’s because you don’t think enough!”

“So I have to think more then?”

“Yes? I think? No? Ugh!” The elf was trying his best not to pull his ears in frustration. “The point is: It’s a way of speaking! You are thinking, alright?”

“Oh! I see.”

…And that was the end of that. Gabrielle nodded and looked down on her hands again, now sure that she was, indeed, thinking. Just, not correctly or for long enough.

Bohllin grumbled, frustration growing even further. “Don’t just take it! They called you dumb! Doesn’t that bother you!?”

“They do that all the time.” Gabi stated, matter of factly. “It doesn’t really matter now, does it?”

“Yes it does!”

“I guess…”

Now it was the elf kid who blinked in astonishment. He felt there were a lot of things wrong with that idea but, he simply didn’t feel like it was his place to say any of them… so he just sighed, and laid back on the muddy floor. After a good moment to rest his confused mind, he finally asked:

“What were you thinking about?”

“I don’t know what to do to be a good person.” That answer came almost immediately. “I want to be good. But I can’t. Because I can’t think well, and I can’t do things well.”

Gabrielle thought of even adding the word Witch there, as a sort of confession–– but her fear of rejection was way too strong. Better to simply ignore the detail that she was “born wicked”.

The elfling sighed, really not sure why did he even bother asking. The issue was already kind of obvious in his eyes and the matter-of-fact answer only made him feel silly for wasting time. But he couldn’t simply give her answers on how to be a good kid! She already seemed good to him, after all–– but maybe humans have another standard of goodness? Or maybe she just wouldn’t take his word for it if he tried to reassure her!

“...Wait a moment here.”

Gabrielle merely nodded, not really looking as Bohllin simply ran out to get someone among the elders. He would return soon after, with Adella guiding him by the hand. In the old elf’s eyes was a troubled, concerned look. She was staring at the girl, now once again absorbed in her own thoughts, eyes unblinking, hands trembling in front of her.

Adella had seen this before, in her many centuries of life before the Age of Silence had covered Jericho with its foul, magicless mist–– the way this girl simply yearned for purpose and acceptance, the very things every single living creature was entitled to and she had been denied for some contrived human reasoning. The elder looked down to her little protegée, and in him she saw her very same apprehensions; he had a natural gift for empathy, the sign of a great Stargazer.

Too bad he would never become one, now that the stars had abandoned them all and there was no more magic in this life–– it was a real shame, a waste of potential. But there was no sense in crying more about it at this point.

The elder carefully kneeled in front of the sitting girl, snapping her fingers a few times so Gabrielle would wake up once more, and look into her eyes.

“I’m told that you’re lost.” Said Adella, offering her hand to the kid. “And I am already in your debt… so I want to offer you something in return. I wish to offer you my Guidance.”

Gabrielle narrowed her eyes slightly. Guidance? How? Was this woman speaking of witchcraft? Father and everyone else said that those things were mere superstitions, stuff the demis talk about to con gullible minds and make themselves feel more important. So she kept quiet, letting the old lady speak.

“Magic is not what it used to be, but I can still take good gazes into Fate from time to time. Or at least, the shadows left by the long gone stars. Would you want Fate to give you a word of guidance?”

The kid’s eyes now opened widely. She didn’t even make her usual matter-of-fact comment on how the stars were still there every night, because there was a much more important word for her to focus on.

Fate.

The way this lady said it, almost made it sound less like a concept and more like a name, as if addressing some old ghost or an ancient god–– heresy of the worst kind, for sure. Despite the lack of expression in the little girl’s face, her eyes did reflect the spark of fear going around in her mind… and then, her overwhelming curiosity.

Saint Martha had dealt with the supernatural in her life. Father always tried to rush through those parts, clarifying that Saint Martha only dwelled in heretical knowledge out of necessity and how they shouldn’t imitate that, never ever. But if she had done it before, maybe Gabi could do it as well? Just a little bit?

There was a part of herself that wished to stray as far from that sort of thing as possible, but without any support from the other voices, this less adventurous part of Gabi’s mind was soon ignored, and her hand quickly grabbed Adella’s. The elf nodded.

“Good. Let me peer into your history…” With a very deep breath of fresh air, as rain continued to fall around them, Adella called upon the little embers of magic that still burnt in her breast. Closing her eyes and merely focusing on the darkness of her inner sanctum, seeing the little greenish sparks fly as her lungs filled.

The embers of her soul, she could see them laying down in an empty, dark room… slowly forced back to life, with little flames rising in a beautiful, twinkling kind of green. That was the light of magic itself, weak but still alive in her–– And with a masterful, practiced stroke, she took that light in her mind, and carefully gave it a new form.

Lines and dots swirled around, until forming a very special Rune, the one she had memorized so long ago with her father, the gift of generations after generations of stargazers. And with that Rune in her mind, and her soul vibrating with emotion, the gates of Fate slowly opened once more. The darkness in her mind was consumed by light…

And Adella saw through the turbulent clouds that cloaked Gabrielle’s future.