Yeju

You know you’re in trouble when Victoria comes to find you herself to talk to you.

And today, she is waiting for me in the office.

The three other graduate students are already there—I am always the last to arrive and the last to leave—and talking to Victoria with alarm bells ringing in their eyes. As I enter the room, Darren casts a warning glance at me.

Oh, I’m in big trouble, aren’t I?

Victoria’s amicable smile fades when she notices me.

“Good morning, Yeju. Let’s chat in my office.”

Dread crawls all over my gut. As I follow Victoria out of the office, I can feel everyone’s gaze on me, staring at me from the lab space or their office. I can hear Gabby’s signature loud voice as he exclaims, “Holy shit, what did Yeju do?”

I know what I did. I know what this is about.

And I am filled with shame.

Entering the spacious room, I sit at the table while Victoria settles into the seat across from me. And she goes straight to the point.

“Yesterday, I presented your project to Lia because you told me you wanted an undergraduate student to help you out, and I thought that was a good idea too. When Lia chose your project, I was relieved because I know how good you are at teaching the younger graduate students.” She leans forward, resting her arms on the table. “So why is it that I’ve been hearing that you were mistreating Lia in the lab? Screaming at her? Do you care to explain, Yeju?”

I hang my head, unsure of what to say. Lia’s tearful eyes from yesterday wash into my mind, and my body digs into the chair from the weight of that memory.

“Sorry,” I mumble, “it was a mistake.”

Victoria frowns. “It’s a mistake that should have never been made, Yeju. What if Lia gets scarred from the experience and never wants to work in a lab anymore? What if she stops pursuing research because of this? Or stops being interested in science? Or stops trying new things at all? As a mentor, you hold a lot more responsibility, and your mistakes will be costly. And that’s a young talent you’re chasing away because of your mistake.”

I swallow the lump in my throat. Victoria has a point. What I did would’ve driven anyone away. Anyone but Lia.

“It won’t happen again,” I croak.

“I know it won’t.” Victoria leans back against her chair. “Because I emailed Lia this morning. I told her she can change the project and get herself a different mentor.”

My heart plunges to my stomach. Change… project? So Lia won’t be working with me anymore?

No, I deserve this. Lia shouldn’t want to work with me anymore. And I want her to choose a different project anyway. I wanted her out of my life. Right?

“I haven’t received her reply yet, but I’m hoping she will choose another project instead of leaving the lab altogether.” She pauses, taking in a long breath. “I’m very disappointed in you, Yeju.”

That sentence is a punch to my face. To hear this from an advisor I respect, from the person who has seen both my achievements and my struggles, is soul-crushing. I want to tell her everything, how Lia helped break my parents’ relationship, how it angers me to see her talk to Chloe yesterday, how she reminds me of my painful summer back home.

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But these are stupid reasons and I know it.

“I’m sorry, Victoria…” I choke out as I blink the sting away from my eyes.

She lets out a small sigh. “Take the day off, Yeju. Rest, reflect. Come back tomorrow.”

Hesitantly, I nod.

I trudge out of her office, my steps as heavy as my head. I ignore everyone along the hallway, I ignore Gabby’s whisper-shouts at me, and I ignore Darren’s concerned questions. I’m tired, I’m spent, I’m empty on the inside.

Slumping into my chair, I open my e-notebook on my laptop. There are a million things I planned to do today, but I take some time to reschedule everything. My eyes are still burning.

This is a good thing. This is good. Now, I will have less opportunity to see Lia, to be triggered by her interactions with Chloe, to be reminded of the summer. This is good. This is what I wanted.

Tears run down my cheeks. I scroll down the e-notebook. My vision is blurry, but I can still see what I wrote yesterday.

– Made 20 agar plates with Lia.

I scroll more, going past pages and pages of failed experiments. The entirety of this year. The entirety of last year.

I scroll and scroll, going back to two years ago. The pages are emptier then. Due to COVID-19 safety restrictions, we had access to the lab only fifty percent of the time.

I keep scrolling. I am now back in early 2019. The blissful pre-pandemic times. It’s filled with annotations and data. Even from a boring list of notes, I can feel my enthusiasm. I was about to start the mice experiment for the inhibitor I had just developed.

Lia’s excited smile flashes across my mind. I was just like that then. Fresh, motivated, so full of energy. And then the lab had to shut down, my mice experiments had to be canceled, and I had to watch my hopes and dreams burn away with the rest of the world.

That was when everything went wrong, didn’t it? My daily fights with Yuna, our break up, my parents’ divorce. And here I am, sitting at my desk, crying about nothing in particular. Meanwhile, my phone is lit up with messages from Karina, a woman I have no feelings for.

What the hell am I doing with my life? Since when have I turned into this person?

Yeju from five years ago would be so disappointed.

“Hey… are you okay?”

I jolt out of my spiraling trance. It’s Lia. She is standing by the door, frowning and gripping her backpack.

“Is… everything alright?” she asks.

I hastily wipe my eyes.

“None of your business.” I sniff, trying to clear my nose. “So, what project did you end up choosing?”

“What do you mean?”

“Your new project.” I glance at her. “Victoria said she sent you an email about choosing a new project. Did you not receive it?”

Or did I scare her so much that she is not doing undergrad research anymore?

“I did. I also replied to her.” Lia whips out her phone and checks it. “Oh my god, I wrote the email but forgot to send it! I can’t believe myself.”

Great. She is sending the dreaded email to change her project in front of me, her now ex-mentor. I clench my jaw and turn away from her.

“Have fun with your new mentor,” I mutter.

“Huh? Why? I didn’t choose a new project.”

Wait… what?

I spin back towards her, mouth agape. “You… didn’t? Even after…” Even after what I’ve done?

Lia tugs at her ponytail. ”Well, I mean… I think your project is really cool. I want to keep working on it if that’s okay?”

I blink. She thinks… my project is cool? And she said that with that spark in her eyes. That familiar, bright spark on that sweet, adorable face.

She didn’t change project. She’s still here. With me.

Something wells up inside me. Something warm and fuzzy—tickling my chest, fluttering around.

I gesture for her to sit next to me.

“Listen, Lia,” I begin solemnly, “Here’s an advice for you for the future. Next time, if you ever join a workplace or a research lab or whatever it is you end up doing, and you realize your mentor is a giant red flag, leave. Quit. Find another place to work. Your experience and growth are more important than the actual work that goes on.”

Lia’s expression contorts from confusion to realization. “Are you saying you’re a giant red flag?”

“I’m a human embodiment of a giant red flag.”

She laughs. The sound is like a hum of a nightingale.

“I’m serious,” I chide, trying my best not to smile. “Do you want to be screamed at while learning something new?”

“No, that was terrible. But… you were alright after that.” Her eyes dart from me to the ground. “Do you want me off your project or something?”

“Of course not.” That slipped out of my mouth faster than I could think. I purse my lips. It takes all my strength to utter the next sentence. “Thanks… for sticking with me.”

A blush creeps up her cheeks. “Oh, well, t- thank you for teaching me yesterday…” She clears her throat. “Are we going to do anything today, by the way? My only class for the day ended, so I’m free now to help.”

“Nah. Victoria told me to take the day off.”

“Oh. Why?”

I don’t have the heart to tell her the reason. “We can do some reading at home. A good scientist always keeps up with the latest published research. Wanna get lunch first? My treat again. Um, this time, I promise not to, well, be a dick.”

There is a slight hesitation. I am not sure if she is still traumatized by what happened last night.

Fortunately, she breaks into a smile and nods.