“Give me one man from among ten thousand if he is the best.”

―Heraclitus, Fragments

“Being the best is no great feat in this age of poverty. Being the worst―now there’s a challenge worthy of a gentleman!”

—Von Schmidt, private conversation

He was a man of short stature which barely contained his bloated German ego. Though he had the trappings of civilization, his eyes held the demented glee of madness.

“My dear lady, how good of you to come to my humble abode on such a magnificently decorated yacht with such a marvelous assortment of the oldest, most obsolete weaponry and armor! Truly, I am humbled and belittled by your sudden visit, though also a little puzzled by your lack of retinue …” His tone lacked the reverence his words suggested. This sentiment was accentuated by a steep, somewhat ironic bow that was accompanied by a wolfish grin. Surely, a man of his excellent erudition could not have failed to learn that “dear lady” was not the correct style to address this, or any other, terrestrial princess.

The Princess in question was a small and elegant young woman, the marital unavailability of whom had led many young men into suicide or debauchery, which in the higher echelons of society amounted to much the same effect. Accenting her arrival as an official rather than social call, she was dressed in the spacesuit of the Old Brigade. Of course, it was impeccably tailored for her slim figure and made of the finest materials to showcase her father’s wealth and influence and to conceal a small arsenal that included as many smart weapons as one could carry on one’s person without appearing impolite. Her expression was impatient and all the lovelier for it.

“Don’t be coy, Von Schmidt, there’s positively nothing humble about you or your abode. You own an entire terraformed planetoid on the edge of the horror vacui with some of the most advanced technological and genetic engineering I’ve seen in my life and that’s my estimation from just a cursory glance.”

The man maintained his smile, though perhaps it would have been more precise to say his mouth maintained it, for there was no smile left in his eyes. Indeed, unless one was a guru from one of the distant meditation asteroids, one would have had small hopes of deciphering his expression. “This is true, but these days, one can own a planetoid for the mere price of a rocket fare. It is the creation of sustainable artificial gravity through careful application of the Jodorowsky principle that marks one above the common rabble. But come now, dear lady, can a man truly call himself happy if he cannot sit on his balcony, drinking La Eau de Mars ’25 and watch a nuclear mushroom illuminate his lonely evening?”

“So I take it you admit that you live on this fully terraformed planet on your own?”

“Intellectually speaking,” Von Schmidt lamented, “but please, no more talk about this humble German eccentric. I’m sure the brochures have done a remarkable job at relaying my unorthodox pursuits. Pray tell, what earned me the honor of your exquisite presence, my dear lady? Your transmission was quite vague, I’m sorry to say, offering nothing but the time of your arrival and your lack of human company. Also, may I add, all the rumors of your beauty have been understatements made by spirits devoid of poetry. You are, zakh phirini al kalgwa’ani, as they say in the Old Country.” Needless to say, they did not say this in the Old Country. Indeed, they did not say this in any human country at all.

“Von Schmidt, it is exactly your planetoid, namely, a fully terraformed world that has only thirteen registered denizens, one of whom is obviously a literary allusion, while nearby planetoids are brimming with refugees from the chornoi wars, that concern me … and my royal father.” The Princess silently cursed herself for the rhetorical misstep of taking so long to mention her father. For a clever man, which Von Schmidt undoubtedly was, this would be a powerful clue that this errand of mercy was a private endeavor rather than an official visit.

Like many great errands of mercy undertaken by young women of wealth and influence in the storied past, the main driving force behind this journey, if one didn’t take into account the yacht’s nuclear reactor, was spite. One of a magnitude which had generated almost as much power as a nuclear reactor but was somewhat less predictable. It started when the Princess suggested to her father that it was neither just nor sensible to expect the chornoi, who until recently were not even aware humanity existed, to pay exuberant fees for using radiation coming from the Sun, of which her family owned a considerable portion and which her species owned entirely.

“Not only is it our prerogative, it is in fact our moral duty,” her royal father countered. “The sun is our property and has been for generations. Any entity wishing to exploit this resource, human or otherwise, must either pay royalties or acquire shares.”

Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

“Or start killing humans. Of course, since our citizens live billions of kilometers away from the Oort cloud, the target of this outrage are explorers and philosophers braving the horror vacui, including sweet Jessica!”

Her father shrugged. “In which case there will be a considerable economic boost due to increase in military production. In either case, the value of our shares will rise, and the wealth of our subjects will increase. As a royal family, our duty lies with our subjects and shareholders, not with eccentrics who chose to abandon old Terra and journey into the void, a role best left to the dedicated professionals of the Old Brigade.”

It was at this point that the Princess had decided to embark on a self-prescribed mission of mercy. She was neither dedicated, nor professional, but she was a colonel in the Old Brigade, even if the only use of the commission she’d made so far was as an excuse to look dashing in comfortable uniform, while avoiding her family’s traditionally horrid and horridly traditional crown of feathers.

Von Schmidt shrugged and walked to a large window that offered a panoramic view of a significant portion of his trans-Neptunian fief. “The pristine view becomes this small planet, don’t you find?”

The Princess had to admit that the view was surprisingly picturesque, in a stark contrast to the crass and bombastic taste of most contemporary aristocrats. Instead of gaudy genetic abominations that served no further purpose than to remind nature who was the master, Von Schmidt elected to paint his world with verdant colors accentuated by spots of crimson blossoms and azure lakes. Colossal cliffs jutted from the magnificent forest like the claws of a great beast slowly tearing its way to cosmic freedom. The silhouettes of pterodactyls and elegant drones lazily crossed a backdrop of two small indigo suns and the ephemeral forms of two irregularly shaped moons. Massive forms, beasts or engines, roamed between the trees, their forms hidden by the impenetrable canopy. It was hard to believe this primordial landscape was younger than the Princess and that the illumination came from orbital projectors and not from the sun, which was so distant that had it the power to shine through the artificial sky it would have been indistinguishable from any other star.

“I would have extended an invitation to the poor fellows, but I thought that nuclear explosions would perhaps have a detrimental effect on their humors. The last memory of many ex-patriots from their respective old countries is a nuclear mushroom, I imagine.”

The Princess’s nostrils flared for a moment. “Von Schmidt, this is no laughing matter! Refugees are quite literally stacked one on top of each other, while you’re sipping 7,000-Comet-a-bottle wine and detonating nuclear devices of a magnitude forbidden under planetary self-defense laws, destroying potential farms and residences in the process simply for the sake of entertainment!” As soon as the words left her mouth, it had occurred to the Princess that she hadn’t seen any atomic scars on the planet, suggesting that perhaps this particular rumor was somewhat exaggerated by the brochures. However, Von Schmidt didn’t bother to deny it.

“Not entertainment, my dear lady, enlightenment. As Herr Freundicher teaches in die Sterneisenfaust, ‘The enlightenment of one man is more important than the lives of a million simpletons.’ But come, my dear lady, let us not be late to the banquet in your honor!”

“Banquet …?”

“Do you think me so barbarous as to host the scion of one of the greatest superpowers of Terra, a lady who literally owns the sun, and not entertain her with the company of esteemed and fascinating guests?”

The Princess jumped in her suit as Von Schmidt laid a hand on her shoulder and led her away from the magnificent balcony. Few men would have lived for more than a heartbeat after such audacity, and yet, this scoundrel had extended her no more respect than he would an unwanted, but pleasantly distracting, salesperson.

“This was supposed to be a private, a secret …” The Princess protested feebly. Noting Von Schmidt’s utter disregard of her disquiet, she didn’t bother finishing her protestation and allowed the infamous German to lead her towards what appeared to be a smooth, featureless wall.

“Secrets do not become gentlemen and ladies of our rank. Our escapades are nothing without the adoration or condemnation of our lessers. Anyone outside this room, of course, being our lesser.”

The wall swirled into a prismatic vortex that sang in a voice that was doubtlessly only heard before by Odysseus, who put the lives of himself and his intrepid crew on the line just for a chance to hear a snippet of the alluring song. Of course, had he been so lucky as to be born in the age of the Second Aristocracy, all the effort needed to hear the siren’s song would have been a light tap on the nearest flat surface.

Feeling she had given up on her noble quest too easily, the Princess attempted to once again reason with Von Schmidt. She thought of a clever argument, but never got to offer it for the German’s consideration.

As if reading her thought, Von Schmidt spoke in an officious voice. “Please report to your royal father, should the issue ever arise, that I have a nuclear arsenal to rival that of any crowned heads of Terra as well as a pledge of friendship from the Sun Tzu fleet. Now, my dear lady, since your mission has been as much a fabulous failure as your father’s invasion of the chornoi ubersail, may I suggest drinking and partying the disappointment away?”

“I am stuck here until my ship refuels, but don’t expect me to partake in your decadent entertainments, Von Schmidt. Rest assured, my father will not be pleased with your threats and insolence.” Almost as much as he would not be pleased with her threats and insolence.

“That is most lamentable. Let me introduce you to some of my finest friends.”