Dying was a painful experience. Good thing it didn’t last long.

Just a crash, a bright explosion, a. flash of pain, and then, nothing but darkness and the roar of a car.

A car?

I wake up inside one of those metal monsters. The seats are red leather, the dashboard is black, and pink cubes hang from the front-mirror. This car doesn’t have a top though, and I can perfectly view the red sky above.

And the creature operating the car... it looks like Boss’s species, but with red skin, horns, and a tail.

It turns to me and bares its teeth. Boss does that when he’s happy.

“Yo, cat dude. You’re awake! That’s totally rad, man! What’cha thinkin’?”

My eyes widen in amazement. For all this time, I had thought that Boss’s species couldn’t speak the noble language of cats. Hmm, but then again, while this driver creature looks like Boss’s species, it has distinguishing features such as horns and a tail. It must be some type of cat that just looks similar to Boss’s species.

Ah, it seems he wants a reply though. A refined person like me shouldn’t keep him waiting.

“Nothing much. Hey, just to make sure, did I die?”

“Yep!” So it looks like that bird-feeder-pole thing killed me. That’s too bad. “That’s why I’m taking you to your afterlife.”

“You’re taking me where?” I ask.

“Your afterlife bro. Also known as Hell.”

Hell. Never heard of it.

“Do all things go to Hell after they die? Will I get to see Boss again?!”

“Nah, he won’t be going here when he dies. Not unless your Boss is a total dickbag. Only cats and dickbags go to hell.” Well that’s sad. But I’ll be fine, even if I can’t see Boss again. His fish recipes were nice though. “Anyways, I’m Chad, Chad Boson. I do torture and management, but chauffeuring is my side-job. How ‘bout you bro?”

“The name’s Mittens. I hunt mice, eat fish and do other stuff like that. Hey, why do cats go to Hell? Do dogs go somewhere else? Not that I’m complaining if they do.”

Chad leans back in his seat a little and swerves into a different lane. The road becomes a ramp that takes us over another road. When we’re off the ramp, he merges into a lane with more cars that are moving at a much higher speed than before.

“So.” He says, once we’re one the freeway. “You wanna know why all cats go to Hell?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. It’s actually pretty simple brah. The Boss-Man of Hell really likes cats so when cats like you whose Bos- owners were wizards die, then he gets your soul. Oh, and all dogs go to Heaven. I don’t know why, but they do. Something about the G-man really liking this one movie.”

I see. I’ve never heard of this ‘Heaven’ either, but it must be a horrible place if all dogs go there when they die.

Anyways, Chad here seems like a nice person. He’s a good driver, and he answers my questions.

We talk for a little while longer. I learn that the red-skinned driver really likes kite-surfing. Apparently, it’s a type of sport where you get a big sail hooked up to wires hooked up to a rod, and then hold the rod while standing on a flat board. Apparently, doing this allows you to traverse watery surfaces very quickly, though sometimes the Sea of the Dead (the place he likes to surf at) is too rough to go out on the water.

At first, I don’t understand the appeal. Then I liken this activity to hunting, but on the water. After all, it would be easier to catch fish if you’re directly on top of the water, rather than on the seashore. And a kite-surf-contraption would let you move directly on top of the water.

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Then our conversation turns away from hobbies to what Hell is like. And my mood takes a turn for the worst.

I ask him, “So when I get there, what’ll I do in Hell? Are there mice to hunt, fish to eat? Stuff like that?”

We pass a freight truck and Chad contorts his face a little.

“Well... I guess it won’t be too boring, but it is the afterlife y’know. Most things get boring when you have an eternity to do them. Hmm... there are demonic mice, and while it’s hard to call them fish, some leviathans live in the Sea of the Dead. But you shouldn’t go near those bro, they’ll eat you real quick. I can only surf out there because they were trained not to eat demons. Apart from those, there’s not a whole lotta things to hunt.”

I frown. Only mice? If there’s no fish there, when what’s the point? A world without fish sounds horrible. A whole afterlife without fish? That’s even worse!

“But it probs won’t be too bad.” He continues. “Y’know, there are tortured souls to supervise, supervisors to supervise... and if you were really bored, you could become a demon or apply for rebirth. Your memories would have to be wiped but you’d get them back once you died.”

“But no fish in Hell.”

He winces.

“Yeah.”

Fuck. I used to eat fish every week. No matter how many bites I took, it never tasted bad or got old. Whether it was cold, hot, cooked, raw, covered in strange sauces, or as bare as Boss’s skin, it always tasted great. The natural folds of meat would part beneath my teeth and I would feel that same meat melting on my tongue. Cod, Trout, Tuna, Salmon, Sardines, Herring, Mackerel, Mahi-Mahi, Tilapia... every type of fish was great.

And I can’t eat them in Hell.

“Hey Chad, how long does it take to get reborn?”

“Um, well, first you have to fill out a form about your previous life. It’s pretty long though, so it would probably take you a few weeks to do it.” I can’t even write. Is this a joke? “Then you’d have to submit it, which means waiting in line at the Department of the Measureless Void. Sometimes those lines literally stretch for miles though, what with everybody wanting to be reborn... that might take you a year or so.” I could bear waiting for a few weeks, but a year?! “And then you’d have to spend another few years waiting for your application to be processed. And if one of the demons at the DMV accidentally lose your application, then you’d have to do it all over again... now that I think about it, we should probably look into ways to streamline the process...”

I glare at Chad.

“Yeah. You should.” I curtly reply.

Oh fish sticks. I was in such a good mood a moment ago. And then, Hell’s bureaucracy just had to get rid of it. Waiting for years? Cats are patient, but not that patient! What the hell do they even do to make processing a fucking piece of paper take that long?

I won’t stand for this!

For the next few minutes, there is silence, apart from the roar of the engine and the music device in the front of the car.

Until I get an idea.

“Chad, you said something about streamlining the reincarnation process. How would we go about doing that?"

“Huh? Oh, uh, I don’t know. I just said it was something that we should do, not something that we will do.”

I glare at him as best I can and he looks away.

“Buuut, I guess if you wanted something to change you’d have to talk to the DMV’s head honcho.”

“And who’s that?” I ask.

He straightens up in his seat and adjusts his grip on the wheel.

“I should probs tell you a bit about how Hell works. So at the top of the gov, we’ve got Demon King Carl. He’s the strongest demon, and he’s been ruling for a few thousand years now. After him, there are the Lords who rule over various bits of hell. They’ve got money, manpower, and personal power. But they have to obey the King. You with me so far?”

I nod my head in affirmation.

“So they’re the top of Hell. The King and the Lords. The Lords got territory, and in their territory is where the normal demons like me do our thing. We make businesses, corporations and stuff, and we pay taxes to the Lords.” Makes sense so far. “Now, Lord of the DMV is a dude called Evel. He used to be a daredevil so when he died, he decided to become an actual devil. Anyways, he got a whole bunch of magic through some voluntary near-death experiences and eventually became pretty dang powerful. He applied to become a Lord, and now he is one.”

Why was I told his backstory? Whatever.

“So... basically, if I want to get reincarnated without all that waiting, then I’ve got to talk to this Evel guy.” I deduce.

“Yeah, pretty much.”

Now I’m getting somewhere!

“How do I find him? Where is he?”

“Hmm... well that’s the thing. He disappeared a day or so ago and no one knew where to. Well, no one ‘cept King Carl. He said Lord Evel was being punished for something but didn’t say what.”

Dammit. It’s always something. As soon as I learn about the guy who can get me out of this fish-less place, it turns out he’s missing!

Chad gets into the rightmost lane and takes the exit. We enter a stretch of road through a tunnel.

Something about the darkness of the tunnel makes me stay silent. And then...

There’s a flash of light as we exit the tunnel and once my eyes adjust, I gasp in amazement. A wonderous landscape is laid before me.

Red-brick buildings dotting a city. Tall blue buildings stretching up to the sky. The closer you are to the center of the city, the taller they get. Above them, floating bits of land that look like beehives have winged Chad-creatures flying in and out. Behind the beehives, you can see the red sky dotted with perfectly white clouds.

From the tunnel’s vantage point, I can see outside of the city. There are rolling hills, some strange red trees, a blue river, and some craggy grey mountains. It reminds me of the place I used to live, before Boss moved abodes and took me with him.

For a place with no fish, it sure looks awesome.

“Welcome to Hell.” Says Chad.