Saturday, April 27th, 2069

“Wait—you pulled these out of that lake?” My dad asked skeptically. I sighed, and told the story I shared with Dave, again.

After the first fish, Dave had directed me on how to filet a fish, while Smegma coached me on how to use my Mana Pool to create a lengthened blue ephemeral blade. While the Mana did ‘lengthen’ the Filleting Knife, it did nothing to sharpen the edge or keep it sharpened. I thought back to the prompt description of the item and remembered that it had a ‘one’ next to the item name, similar to our Pickaxes. I hoped that meant that the Rod and Knife could level, and more importantly, that leveling meant this damned thing might actually gain a usable edge. As it was right now, I felt like a caveman trying to invent fire.

Smegma seemed confused by that, but didn't speculate on why the Mana couldn’t sharpen or Strengthen the blade. Either way, that first Fish had taken almost an hour to gut, skin and parcel out.

After that, I had discovered just how lucky I had been on the first catch. Dave had been right that we only likely needed to catch a single Fish a day, but having a few as backup—and maybe even a full one to give to Jarred, would be helpful. Not to mention, the effects that catching more would have on the rod and knife, since they were a package deal. However, multiple times in a row, the Mirror Fish out in the lake—or possibly some other creature, had made away with the bait—meaning it ate my Mana.

The first time it happened I almost vomited, reminded of the unwanted Mana Pull by Morgan. However, the sensations were different. Whatever took the ‘bait’ seemed to suck the Mana down the conduit I connected to the rod. Feeling aptly like a pop drink being drawn up a straw, which was still my visual aid for directing Mana. If I realized it was happening fast enough I could either cut off the Mana or give the rod a yank, to attempt to snag the creature doing the sucking.

The problem was that instead of snagging a Fish, more often than not I just lost about ten points of Mana and since I didn’t want to try another epic fight against a four hundred plus pound fish without a full Mana Pool, this forced me to wait for my Mana to recharge. Thankfully, the Mana Apple seemed to reduce my downtime.

Still, I’d only managed to catch four of the Mirror Fish, and took the time to filet three of them. A single one I’d dragged back.

“Why didn’t you just put dat Fish in your Necklace of Holdin’?” Willa asked.

“The space inside is just five feet by three feet. It might have fit, if folded right, or on the angle, but look—” I pulled out a piece of frozen fish-steak. “—the Necklace seems to freeze things inside. I don’t think we want to try to clean a frozen fish.”

I stared at the smallest of the four Mirror Fish I’d caught. It was probably six or seven feet long, and not quite as round in the belly as the others. It hadn’t been easy to drag the thing to the nearest room with a ‘forge.’ Actually my heart was still beating fast from the exertion of the act, and likely also my jog up to the cavern to collect the mined Crystals as well as the two doing the mining.

Now we had the recessed portion of the smithy filled with Crystals and were ready to start cooking—after I answered some shocked questions from Willa and my dad, of course.

“So, you be havin’ Stats like them Hunters?” Willa asked, her voice a mix of skepticism and excitement. I simply motioned to the car-sized fish that had become visible, and she whooped loudly, losing the skepticism.

My dad licked his lips, and looked nervous but eventually nodded to Smegma of all people and asked, “Can we eat these?”

Smegma nodded. “They taste fantastic and if prepared properly, can even give a boost to Endurance recover—oh wait, I forgot you don’t have that. They can be eaten, yes!”

“Okay, let’s figure out how to cook them,” I said motioning at the pit, the Crystals inside and then the large pile of thawing, skinned and portioned sections of fish. I should probably put a huge amount of those back into my Necklace. I’d only emptied them to make sure I had room for the Crystals. However, looking at the pile of fish steaks, I had room for both.

Not to mention I planned to sell the Crystals we didn’t use.

This was the real reason I wanted everyone here. I had no idea how to get started in burning Crystals. Unfortunately, from the lost looks of Willa and my dad, they didn’t either.

“Well, obviously we have to light the Crystals,” my dad offered.

Since we’d just had a similar conversation, I looked at the hunched and elderly looking Dave, obviously tender from the abuses an entire day of Mining had put on his body. Dave managed a smirk and answered the same way he had when I said that. “Perfect. Give me your lighter.”

My dad and Willa looked at each other. Then looked back to me, Dave and then Smegma. “Don’t tell me that none of us have fire?”

“Bunch of husking noobs! Who enters a Portal without an Adventuring Kit?”

“Oh, so that should mean that you must have one for sale, like that rope I asked about earlier, right?” I said to the Demon, not in the mood to put up with his shit. He stared at me, and raised both three-fingered hands up to give me a shrug. “So, we have food, Crystals to burn, but no way to light it?”

“Maybe the forge has an auto light feature?” Willa suggested.

“Right, cause that would still be work—“ my dad started to answer, but stopped when Smegma began floating around the device. In moments everyone had joined him, studying the gray-black stone in close detail.

It took an entire minute before I realized something was wrong. It took me another minute to find Smegma no longer hovering around the space, and instead watching us all like the idiots we were. I stood up and pointed at him. “You’re a dick.”

“Well, it was a stupid suggestion,” Smegma retorted, which got everyone to stop looking and stare at him. “Anyone have anything of value to try?”

I could tell by the looks that Smegma was getting, that people were torn between liking his joke and attempting to punch him in the face. I knew the feeling well. Still, Dave, now supporting his hunched frame on the pedestal, was the one who attempted to move toward Smegma first.

Unfortunately, there was the pedal for stoking the fire between him and the Demon, and he wasn’t exactly graceful at the moment. His foot caught on the pedals underside, and he instantly tripped, collapsing over and atop it. His knee landed on the pedal, which caused it to depress. Along with the falling pedal came the sound of a mechanical gear cranking, even as air rushed out of the lower of the two hanging hollow tubes.

To everyone’s surprise, but none more so than Smegma, at the bottom of the pedal a second, far louder clank sounded and a blue spark became visible in the center of the recess. The spark merged with the blue of the Mana Crystals, before the ones in the center started to change color going from blue to an orangey-brown.

The wave of heat made it clear that Dave had just lit the Mana Crystals. If that weren’t enough, his cry of pain and groaning agony from the floor let me know that as well, and that he needed help. By the time I helped him back to his feet, the entire recess was alight and radiating heat.

Dave looked at the Mana Crystals, the pedal, and then sneered at Smegma. “A dumb idea, was it?” He said scathingly.

“It was a dumb idea, the fact that the mechanical device still worked is actually beyond impressive,” Smegma answered, but I could tell by his lack of volume and derisiveness that he was embarrassed. He further muttered, “They must have enchanted it…”

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

He flipped me the husking bird when he heard my surface thoughts, confirming his embarrassment further. Then he instantly sobered the excited room. “So, who has the cookware?”

He started laughing a moment later, as everyone’s heads fell. This time though he did send me a red Shop Window, even as he muttered, “Husking morons.”

Miscellaneous Professions Gear

Huge Frying Pan(1)

Low-F-Rank

Durability: Unlimited

Damage: 0-1

This Huge Frying Pan has a self-repair and maintenance enchant along with some other inactive options, that will activate upon leveling up. It will also Funnel excess Mana from fire and food to Brodie Flacarada’s Overdraft Skill.

Cost: 30,000 mC

I sighed, even as I confirmed the purchase with the Demon. That brought my total to about eighty-thousand, with perhaps five to ten thousand in Crystals to sell after cooking the fish. That number of course depended on how many Crystals we would need to burn to cook all of this.

This time what fell out of the blue light from the Shop purchase was large enough that I dodged out of the way. A dark black, crusty frying pan four feet across bounced loudly off the floor, creating a dent in itself and not the tile. I stared at the disgusting looking cooking instrument.

I looked around the room, and saw everyone else staring at it as well. It was my dad who spoke up first. “He’s supposed to cook food in that lump of carbon. You actually expect us to eat something cooked in that?”

Smegma scoffed. “Sure, it looks like it’s rusted and crusty but just think of it as seasoning.”

“That’s not seasoning,” Dave said pointedly.

“My mother would smack me with a sandal if I cooked in that!” Willa exclaimed.

“Brodie, put it atop the Crystals,” Smegma directed, even as he sighed helplessly. With narrowed eyes I lifted the thing and placed it as directed. It didn’t cover the entire recess but easily occluded the burning Crystals in the center from the site.

“Now place some of the fish inside,” Smegma further directed. Willa, Dave and my father twitched toward a space between me and the cuts of fish. I hadn’t moved so the gesture was pointless. Smegma gave me a withering look. “You can either leave it there and keep feeding Crystals into the fire to have it slowly repaired. Or you can cook some of the easily caught fish, and have it repaired faster.”

“Easy?” I responded. “That took me all morning!”

Smegma just stared at me. “Right, and one fish could feed you all for multiple days. You kept fishing to repair the Rod, and have some fish as backup. You’ve husking got four! Stop being a miser and get some fish steaks.”

Everyone seemed chastised after Smegma’s rebuke, and no one moved to stop me as I picked up multiple pieces of the portioned fish.

As soon as the meat hit the pan, I felt my mouth start to water. The sound of the searing meat was accompanied by a smell that was nearly impossible for me to describe. It was like I’d walked into an expensive restaurant that specialized in old world dishes.

Specialized was too mild a word. That had perfected old world dishes. There was a rich aroma that reminded me of seafood—maybe farmed Lobster? Or Crab? Then there were overtones of Beef steaks I had only had the pleasure of seeing from afar.

Dave, wiped at his mouth with a sleeve, even as I felt my own saliva threaten to spill out. My father and Willa stared dumbly at the pan, seeming torn between snatching the meat out to eat now, and simultaneously disgusted by the fact that a pan that looked that crusty could produce these wonderful aromas.

“You should flip them in the next thirty seconds or so,” Smegma directed. I looked around and realized that I had no spatula or tongs. So, I pulled the filleting knife out of my Necklace of Holding and used it to stab and then manipulate the fish onto its other side.

The smell and noise of cooking fish intensified. Again with Smegma’s direction I managed to pull the fish off the grill at the appropriate time. Unfortunately, the ‘seasoning’ of the Frying Pan had come off with the first batch of fish. Which made me choose to just drop these pieces onto the cave floor.

“What are you doing?” Smegma asked.

“I’m not letting anyone eat rusty, carbon-covered Fish,” I answered, pointing out what was obvious to me.

“You husking morons and your hang ups from before the System. Sure, it might not taste as good but it won’t kill you,” Smegma retorted.

“You just told me to stop being a miser,” I retorted while pointing to the huge pile of fish steaks. “Are you going to keep acting like an old man whose views change with the wind?”

Smegma made a face, but did look between the pile of portioned fish and the ones on the floor. “Fine whatever, but at least throw them into the lake after, like you did with the carcasses.”

After ten rounds of Fish steaks into the Frying Pan, it was finally cleared of the rust and most of the carbonized deposits. While it didn’t look exquisite, it also didn’t look like a Health Department's worst nightmare.

“Dave, can you toss these disgusting pan crusted Fish steaks into the Lake? They’re garbage—”

“They are not—” Smegma began even as Dave moved to do as instructed.

“Yeah, look at all this disgusting charring. Ughh only a Demon with no taste buds would eat this shit,” Dave said, causing the group around me to chuckle even as the smells of the fish caused them to continue to salivate.

“Husking waste,” Smegma said.

“Oh, you know what, since Smegma thinks they’re valuable I’ll just sell them to the Demonic Vault Shop,” I said pointedly, bending down to touch one of them. Nothing happened, which was what I kind of expected. I’d tried selling an uncooked one before, and had managed it. So, clearly this ‘cooked’ version was inferior.

“Totally worthless really,” Smegma said, with an uncomfortable cough. I shook my head and Dave chuckled even as he began taking out the unappetizing Fish Steaks in stacks, toward the Lake.

At this point we had about half of the original pile of fish steaks, if I counted the whole fish still on the floor. We also ran into an issue…

The issue was where I could put the ‘good’ cooked meat. After some quick thinking, and one… small mistake, I managed to get the remaining pieces into the grow room and on the Lab table.

It turned out that putting freshly cooked food into my Necklace of Holding flash-froze it, or close enough, because even that short walk to the lab table had them coming out with the same consistency as frozen ice bricks. This surprised me since the Pickaxe didn’t freeze in there.

[Enchantments, and the non living component are keeping it from changing, but if you want to put that shitty armor you’re wearing inside—] Smegma mentally sent. I heard a mental chuckle and realized that the armor wouldn’t be worth much until it thawed, if it went inside. That was if it came out the same as it went in, after freezing solid.

So while the Necklace of Holding might be a good idea for storing the cooked fish for Jarred, or the raw fish for cooking later—it wasn’t a great plan if we were planning to eat any food now. Instead, I managed to balance the thick fish steaks on the knife’s side, and rush them into the adjacent chamber.

I could tell, at this point, that the others were torn between going to that room to stuff their faces, and sticking around to continue smelling the cooking fish. Seeing everyone’s reaction brought my own craving for food to mind, so I asked Smegma, “If the Mana Apples satiated all our hunger, why am I starving right now?”

“They can satiate your need for nutrients, but not your ‘hunger’. The Apples are magical in nature, and derive their nutrition not through calories or true minerals. Think of it like that show Brown’s Anatomy. It’s essentially a magical IV. It'll keep you alive, but it’s not exactly food. Similarly, when your body needs something, Mana creates it in your bloodstream, but only if your body is already looking for it. So, your empty stomachs are still going to scream at you to fill them.”

“So, if we eat more, we ain’t goin’ to suddenly get fat ‘cause the Apple doubles our Caloric intake?” Willa asked.

Smegma shook his head, and just like that she was through the doorway to the lab table at a near sprint. My father followed suit. I growled jealously as I looked at the Frying Pan and the fish. If I went to eat now it would waste some of the Mana Crystals currently burning beneath it. Dave ended up being last to join the others because of his final trip to the lake, but he didn’t take long to follow after them, once he returned and heard the cooked steaks were already ready in the other room.

Dutifully I grabbed more meat and put it into the pan, planning to keep one of this batch here for myself. At least Smegma—

I looked around and found that the Demon was gone too. Mentally I shouted, [Get your ass back in here. You can’t eat food anyway.]

Smegma didn’t return and so I angrily added, [I need your direction so I don’t husking burn them.]

Mentally I got back, [Three minutes a side. These three are really going to town!]

I accidentally ruined one of the currently cooking Mirror Fish steaks by stabbing it a little too viciously.