“Keep out.  Definitely no aliens here.”

It was, without a doubt, the worst possible way to label a secret government facility.  Drunk Jerome, who was much stupider than Sober Jerome, decided to sneak in and find out what they were hiding.

The guards caught him almost immediately.

“Halt!  Don’t move or we’ll shoot!”

“Guys,” Jerome slurred, “I just wanna see the aliens.”

“Didn’t you read the sign?  No aliens!”

“Kids these days, can’t even read good,” complained the second guard. “I could swear there’ve been even more incidents since we put that thing up.”

Jerome was getting impatient.  “Are you gonna show me the aliens or not?”

One of the guards approached.  Finally!  Someone was going to talk about aliens!  But when Jerome went to give him an appreciative hug, the guard just slapped on handcuffs instead.  What an asshole.

“So, should we give him the tour before we poof him?”

“Yes,” said Jerome.  “Yes to the tour, no to the poofing.”

“Yeah, whatever.  Bring him in.”

The facility itself was standard secretive government facility.  They used to look a lot different than in the shows, but the new crop of contractors had grown up on cheesy conspiracy flicks and, well, life imitated art.

Jerome looked hungrily at each door.  “Is that where you keep the aliens?”

“There are no aliens,” the guard insisted.  “We’re a top-secret facility for studying weaponized quantum physics and the experimental methods of many-worlds transport.”

“What?”  Drunk Jerome recognized all the words separately, but they didn’t make sense together.

“Okay…  Like you’re five… We take hard math and make our enemies go splat.  We also take hard math and make undesirable people go away.”

“Where do they go?”

“No idea.  Well, our top physicists have created some mathematical boundaries for where people go, and every increase in the experimental data narrows those boundaries.  However, we’ve had some noisy verification that at least some of them live, and that makes their destination an intriguing object of study.  A new planet?  An alternate dimension?  An earth that could have been had a dinosaur twitched its tail slightly differently?  We don’t know.  Until we do we’re calling it New Australia.  A place to put our troublemakers.”

“Okay, I think I get it.  But, wait... this is all top secret.  Why are you explaining this to me?”

“Because it’s easier when you’re distracted.”

Suddenly Drunk Jerome noticed the electrodes on his skin.  “Wait, what are —“

And then he went poof.