Jane stirred groggily back to consciousness, her head pounding and mouth cottony like the world's worst hangover, and her vision swimming like she just threw back a metre of tequila. She groaned, combining the worst parts of both drinking and being hungover was just cruel and unusual. Jane shook herself slowly and the raging headache slowly subsided, but her vision stayed resolutely fuzzy. She carefully pushed herself upright, blinking to clear out the last cobwebs.

"Where am I? I was on the street outside the University. If I blacked out I should be in the Hospital." Jane spun wildly around, eyes darting everywhere and then groaned as her head throbbed even more. “There is nothing here, am I even awake?”

Jane stood on nothing in the middle of an empty void, no colour, no light to even show colours, no sound or even a medium for the vibrations to travel through. There was nothing and yet Jane didn’t feel like panicking, she simply sat down and waited. A short while later, although if she was being honest with herself there was no way to tell how long it was, she thought idly to herself that she was sitting on nothing, as there was nothing to sit on. And on the subject of time passing she couldn’t really say if time was even a thing here, wherever “here” was. Also, she couldn’t feel her heart beating or any other of the myriad little twinges of her body. She should probably panic. Although she was probably dead, or at least dying, and hallucinating as her vital functions shut down. It was rather depressing that this was the best her brain could come up with.

She didn’t and continued looking around. As she turned she saw a figure in the distance. Jane moved towards it, sailing through the strange place she found herself in. As she approached the stranger he began to come into focus, revealing the stocky man who had so rudely crashed into her.

“Oi, you! You bastard!”

The man jolted in surprise, twisting horizontally to look at Jane, his feet swinging up over his head.

“Who are you and what are you doing here?” he screeched.

Jane blinked twice in surprise. “How should I know, arsehole, you brought me here.”

The strange, dark-skinned man shook his head wildly, before flipping himself around so that he was the same way up as Jane. “Nah, nah nah, why would I do that? Nah, you made it in yerself.”

“I don’t know where “here” is, or why I’m here.” Jane was shouting, panic might have refused to come to her earlier, but anger seemed to flow right in. “Tell me what the fuck is going on you, you, kidnapper arsehole.”

“Where here is? Why, my Domain of course.” As he spoke the man took a step back and swept his arms out wide. As he did a mansion flashed into being, all marbles and columns. The void above rippled and a sky rolled into sight, azure and lightly dusted with fluffy white clouds. Jane jumped slightly as the solid ground suddenly popped into being under her feet, rolling fields surrounding the mansion, a smooth road snaking its way across the plains from the pair to the front doors.

“Come, welcome to my home, the heart of my Domain.” he grabbed Jane’s hand with his surprisingly soft one and took off at a run, dragging her along so fast that her feet barely touched the ground. As they reached the doors he slowed and thrust them open with a great “TADAA”

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If the outside was grandiose the inside was positively gaudy, every surface was covered in shining gold, cascading with gemstones or so bright that Jane had to shield her eyes.

“I see that you aren’t into tastefully understated decors.”

“That sounds suspiciously like you are criticising my Domain there, young man.”

Jane sighed, exasperated. “Firstly I’m very obviously a woman, you absolute idiot, and secondly you keep saying domain as if it should mean something to me.”

“Naw, naw, naw, it’s, like, totally, like, Domain. Capital “D”, very important, I can, like, totally, like, hear the difference.” The now golden-skinned man had grown at least half a metre, had flowing golden hair and a beard down to his knees.

“Fine, Domain, sorry.” Jane waved his shifting appearance and wildly changing accent off, compared to everything else that was going on that seemed like a minor oddity. “But what is it?”

“Mayhap thou are indeed not from here? My Domain is my area of godly influence, therefrom whence I draw my power. Might I be so bold as to inquire as to your age, rude though that may be?”

Taken aback by the completely new way this supposed god was talking Jane stuttered out, “forty-four, why?”

“Because you are slightly older than that now, fifty-two.”

“Fifty-two!” screamed Jane, “I’ve missed eight years! How is that possible?”

“Billion, four hundred and sixty thousand, two hundred and one. As of yesterday, so happy birthday?” continued the camouflage wearing, buzzcut sporting old white woman, trailing off hesitantly at the end.

Jane felt her legs turn to jelly and she collapsed to the gaudy floor, hyperventilating. The panic that had stubbornly refused to affect her earlier hit her with a vengeance. She felt strong arms lift her up and carry her into a more sedately decorated room. The god placed her on a divan and offered her a chalice of water. She drank deeply from the bejewelled cup, cool, refreshing water helping calm her shaking hands. She swallowed and drank again, the cup seemingly having refilled itself. Once she had composed herself she sat up straight and stared at the only other person in the room. The only person she had seen in over fifty billion years if he was to be believed. If he even was a person, what with the shifting appearances and voices, and then claiming to be a god. Are gods people?

“How has it been fifty billion years? How is that possible!” Jane tried to scream, but it came out as more of a shaky hiss.

“Well, that would depend on who you are, I suppose?

“You crashed into me in Bath, in front of the university.” she said once she had calmed down enough to control her voice.

“Did I? Are you sure? Although I suppose that would be the last thing you remember. Hum. So, I guess when we collided I may have ever so slightly ripped your soul from its mortal coil and scattered it about my Domain. It probably took you the rest of the time to reconstitute yourself.”

“Send me back, you ARE a god no? Use your phenomenal cosmic powers and send me back. Although your living space could hardly be called itty bitty”

The god rubbed his neck, embarrassed. Flicking his fingers he willed two large, comfortable-looking couches into being, with a coffee table in the middle, complete with steaming mugs of coffee heaped with whipped cream and little marshmallows. He sat down heavily and gestured to Jane to do the same. She arched an eyebrow, before standing up from the divan and moving to the couch opposite. An awkward silence settled in as Jane waited for an answer, the strange god shifting ever more nervously in the lengthening moment. At least he seemed settled on a single form, a nice looking mixed race older gentleman with a well-kept beard, and was no longer shifting every sentence or so.

"Alright! I can't send you back! Not to where you were at least."

Jane just stared at him.

"Look, it's not my fault, if I could I would. I even know a few gods with Time in their Domains, who owe me a favour, but that wouldn't help."

Jane was still staring, and frowning so hard her eyebrows were nearly touching.

“Look, it's really not my fault. Even we gods can’t go back before the heat death of the universe. That universe is gone and nothing can ever bring it back.”

Jane’s jaw dropped as she recoiled in surprise, fifty billion years, she hadn’t even made the connection. Everyone and everything was dead, not just the few people she was close to, but everyone and everything ever.

She slumped back into her couch and looked blankly at the man who had casually announced that an entire universe was gone. What was she going to do now, be stuck in this weird Domain, whatever it was, with no one but an eccentric shapeshifter for company?

“But worry not, for I have a solution! Better than going back to your boring old world of whatever you were doing!” As he spoke the gentleman leapt up and waved his arms with a theatrical flourish. “Somewhere so much better that you won’t believe it! Somewhere where we fixed all the mistakes of our first try!"

As he continued waving his hands in the air, looking less and less like a showman and more like a deranged lunatic Jane felt a familiar headache building, her vision started spinning and she started to blackout. The last thing she heard was :

"Iiiit'sss time forrrr UNIVERSE TWO POINT OH!"