"Im listening to you, I understand but I just don't know the answer" I have my head down playing with the strings hanging from my ripped jeans, fidgeting, with tears dripping off my face onto my shirt. Im in a closed room with my teacher, my counselor and my mom. They talked about grades before this then they slowly started to get into personal stuff, what I get distracted by, why I get mad so easily and for no reason. At the end of the meeting my counselor asked my mom if I have ADHD or depression, I scoff quietly not showing that i did so, my mom answers no but says she will set up an appointment to make sure. Nothing is wrong with me I don't have anything going on, no one recently died in my family and nothing is going on in school, so why am I like this? 

They make it feel like the movies and I hate that, they ask if I get bullied or if im suicidal, all these questions they ask me over and over again and they are slowly getting to my head and im asking myself the same questions " do I get bullied? is teasing and bullying the same thing? do I hate myself? if I do, why?".  We get in the car, my sister Delilah is pissed because she might be late to her tournament for archery. Were driving to the place where she has needs to go to and on the way I keep on asking all the questions in my head staring at the ground " My parents are good at what they do, they look out for me but i hate them, why? im not depressed, or am I?" they keep coming and going and I just cant leave myself alone without them. Me and my mom go out to get ice cream ( thats what the teacher suggested), while Delilah is at her tournament. They said to talk about why im always so frustrated why I cant dress the way I wanna dress, I still didn't agree with that but we just blew it off because it "wasn't that important". After being there an hour or so I asked to leave, and so we did. We went to Delilahs archery place to pick her up. So then there she went on and on and on about how terrible or awsome she did. Right there, at that moment I looked out the window at the building and asked myself a few more questions " what am I going to do once its time for me to be in high school? What am I good at?".

Having these questions in my head I wanted to do everything, I started to watch this show about glass blowing I wanted to do that but im only 13, im not rich we cant afford all the tools, glass, heater tunnels and whatever else I needed for that. I wanted to be a surgeon but when I told my dad about that he said " You need to have good grades for that though, think of something more realistic" he was right, I don't have good grades so I guess thats not on the list either. I wanted to work out, but I cant go to a gym even if I was old enough because its too much money and we are always low on money. Nothing matches, nothing fits me,Oh wait theres that one thing, that one simple thing thats called art. I'v always been doing art for while now it calms me, maks me feel different in a way that I cant express. I make bloody things and I make scary things, sad and angry, confusing and simple. im always all over the place with everything in what I do, thats right, that other thing I do is play the flute. Im not better at the flute as I am with art because I just started to play it last year, but i'm not horrible at it either, I enjoy it I really do I enjoy writing too but when do I have time to do these things? Drawing, running, playing flute or writing, when do I ever have time? I always have school, homework, jiu jitsu, church then bed. I never have time on Saturdays I either have jiu jitsu again or some birthday party. Sundays are church and lunch, sometimes going to visit my grandma too. I have all these things going onin my life but they don't simplify why I am always angry or why I cant ever explain things to people in person. "Does someone know? Why don't I have an answer to why im mad, or in a mood all the time?" Im not spoiled but I cant do the things I want I cant dress or talk the way I want, cant go to the places I want. I don't wanna be spoiled either but a kid can have some freedom right? im not freedomless either I have things I want and my parents aren't as strict as other parents I see. I don't know how to explain my life, whether everyone in my life hates me or loves me, or is it complicated or simple. I cant talk to anyone about these things, no one gets me, again I hate to make this sound like a movie but its true, I cant even talk to my counselor without her telling me to "calm down, and take a deep breath",thats not gonna help you telling me that wont get me anywhere, the next day ill be the same way.

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