It was late. Or very early depending on your perspective. From mine? It was very late. I was lying in bed, phone in hand, staring at words I'm certain I'd read half a dozen times already. I could see the first light of the sun quietly announcing itself. It was an unwelcome guest.
"Uggghhhh" I eloquently articulated.
I hadn't slept yet and probably wouldn't sleep for many hours to come. In the predawn darkness I could still pretend. I could imagine myself to be frozen in time. No responsibilities or ever persistent demands from reality that I turn away from whatever inanity currently distracted me and face the music. The sun was a stark reminder, the soft illumination of dawn a harsh light shining on my failures.
"Fuck you" I spat vindictively.
The sun remained impassive.
Everyone is tired I'd been told. Everyone is hurting, scared, stressed. You're not special for feeling this way. As if this were to be a balm upon my spirit. Suck it up is what was meant. Words not without some merit. Hell, most of the time I even found myself agreeing. Sometimes I'd even act as if i really believed it. I'd suck it up and put my nose to the grindstone. Be an adult. But the advice would eventually ring hollow. Maybe not the first day, the first week, the first month.. maybe not even the first year. But before long, the dream becomes a fugue, a dull grey caricature of what once was hope. In retrospect, optimism was just another word for delusion. The veneer of passion giving way to the underlying truth. It was meaningless suffering. Why put myself through it anymore?
"Aaarrgggggh" a long low groan rumbled in my throat as I limply thrashed.
It was even later now. The sun's rays no longer content with meekly dripping over the window sill to pool on the floor. Now it was a torrential force, flooding the space with its light, intent on stirring me from my self deceptions. The world was still moving, whether I could accept it or not.
"Guess I should take a shower" i grumbled to myself.
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I had a mission today. Despite my jaded outlook, i still had one strength you might say. The ability to forget when something is impossible. So I had an interview. How I'd limped and languished myself to this point was a mystery even to me. My heart certainly didn't feel as though it were set to the task. 'Fake it til you make it', I'd been told so many times. It certainly felt like i was faking it. So maybe I was doing something right.
The shower had gone cold, finally stirring me from my musing. I dripped my way across the bathroom floor, barely toweling myself off before taking a glance at my phone. I had lost an hour to my drowsy, half formed shower thoughts.
That was fine, after all, from the right perspective it was still early. With a bit more enthusiasm than I'd mustered for my hygiene, I moved to the kitchen to prepare myself a simple breakfast. Sunny side up on toast. There wasn't anything to cook besides eggs and bread, but the warm scent of butter and oil was a comfort all the same.
"Shit, fuck!" I cursed, as hot oil popped and sprayed. Probably should have put some clothes on first. Supposedly we learn from our mistakes. The only thing my mistakes seemed to teach me was how to clean up after I made the same ones over and over again. Though I suppose that was an ingenuity worth possessing.
"That's right, fake it til you make it," I halfheartedly encouraged.
Positive thoughts. Maybe they'll even work this time.
I wolfed down my spartan meal, leaving the house, thankfully clothed this time, before I had a chance to think better of it. My keys in hand, I drudged towards my car, briefly lamenting it's sorry state of rusty, dented disrepair. Releasing a tired groan, I sat back against the frayed filthy fabric of the driver's seat, shutting the car door behind me with a weak slam.
"Damnit I'm tired" I complained to no one.
I slapped my cheeks a few times, turned the keys in my beat up old coupe, and then I did something I don't ever do. I said a prayer. Not to Jehovah or Allah or Krishna or whoever happened to be the current flavor of the week. Just a quiet, desperate plea to the universe. "Please, just let this be different. Just let something change," I begged.
I pulled away and drove down the street, stopping at the corner. A honk from behind startled me. Had I fallen asleep before even making out of the neighborhood? This was not shaping up to be a good day. Frazzled and embarrassed I quickly pressed the accelerator to get going.
That's when I died...