Depression? Hate? Sympathy? In the end nothing matters
Confidence is all I need, it doesn’t even need to be real. I’m just here by faking it
I’ve gone through things never realizing my potential but in the end I’m still here, what makes me too late nothing but myself
And how can I overcome myself it feels impossible
Some will say if you just try hard enough you can do it but is that really true
Can you overcome your self imposed limits through trial
Is it possible to overcome your self imposed limiters
Why would I ever bring down myself the way I am
What would loosen you up letting loose? What is letting loose is that even what your looking for
There must be a balance between conforming to society and letting loose but what does this have to do with ones limitations
What are self imposed limitations
I know I can do it if I try but I struggle to try even saying this itself brings me down like an anchor of a ship slowly falling which I wish to stop before it sinks in
I can drag around my anchor but theres only so far I’ll ever be able to go if I don’t lift it up
What can I do to lift it up
Well
Thats easy
Is it?
Try?
This feels like it’ll just go in circles
But trying is the start
No.
Starting is the start
Anyone can say try
You can ‘try’ but not do anything
The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.
To really accomplish anything you must start. You must start and persevere despite what happens
I once read that leadership is the utter disdain towards whatever gets in your way
Is that right?
No leadership doesn’t quite fit that term, it’s more in line with following through on something but not quite. Neither is it ruthlessness you can find a balance between disdain for what gets in your way and destructive tendencies.
Why would I destroy someone when I can help them to help me?
Why can I write all of this but I’m unable to change anything
The steps to change in the end is what this all amounts to, is that right?
Nobody is perfect
But believing yourself to be perfect are the steps to perfection
Hating when I’m not instead of acting like the world revolves around me
Improving the aspects that I am not perfect in
So much potential that seems like it will just be wasted as time goes
I’m close to a breakthrough it feels like but I can’t quite grasp what I’m looking for
Effort
That’s what I need
Just try
And try
And try
And try
Until i cant anymore
Until it hurts to breathe
Until i cant walk
Until my arms fall off
Until my heart stops
I’m not unable to change anything
I just don’t
So why don’t I start
Theres no excuses
Just start
I’m glad to be taking the first steps
But im only doing so in some directions
If I truly want to change I must look to take the steps in other directions
Why did I say truly want to
That doesn’t make sense
Everyone ‘truly wants to change’
Going back to an earlier topic, conforming to society or letting loose
Someone I know let loose they give free reign to impulse
It’s so interesting
Like it’s just incredibly interesting
Whenever I think of ____ I can’t help but return to Alter Ego, how could it be so absolutely accurate
Foreshadowing in real life and I’m sure there are so many other instances I can find
I wonder if anything would have changed if I had made different choices
This is not regret
It’s simple curiosity
I acted the best I could given the circumstances and I would act the same way in another world I do not regret any of my decisions. But I can’t help but wonder if the world is just like this. It’s as simple as a clicker game
It’s so funny
Let’s look at it again
Alter Ego had 3 paths
I.D
Super Ego
And Alter Ego
I.D was giving free reign to impulse, rejecting everything else and living the way you want.
Super Ego was conforming to society living trapped in the box known as societal expectations
Alter Ego which was only unlockable once you discovered both endings seemed to be a bit more ambiguous taking a route in the middle of both paths
For me its so hard to break through societies expectations isn’t that right?
I.D seems impossible to me
Breaking through expectations
Living as I wish
Super Ego is the current route I’m on, I originally thought of I.D and Super Ego as two extremes i want to say I was wrong to think so but it seems I was right
Being trapped by societal expectations isn’t the right answer to this.
I wonder though
What is Alter Ego
It’s a path somewhere in the middle never truly discovered
I guess it’s the balance
Finding that balance seems incredibly hard but once I do then what
Is it only possible to find that balance by going through both routes, I’ve been on the Super Ego route... Have I?
It’s weird
I haven’t actively been on any routes
Societys tool or Egoist
Egoist isn’t quite the right word.
Individual I suppose.
Ive never quite fallen into either category
I’m in the blank space between Individual and Society on neither path but not on my own either
Somewhere between Super Ego and Alter Ego the grey space between on neither path struggling to grab onto either.
Though why is it so hard for me to break through living how I want
As long as I don’t confuse societies expectations with mine
It feels like so much to just actively try to pursue a dream
To tell people I’m serious about doing something and then being unable to do something feels like it would be the ultimate disappointment for me so I don’t try and instead comfort myself by saying I know if I had tried I would have been able to do it.
I suppose this is a fear of failure
Sometimes I wake up and feel nothing at all the world doesn’t feel as grey as normal yet their is still a fog in my mind clouding me
We're does this stem from
It feels like a barrier between me and the world being able to process everything partially never truly paying attention to anything
It’s weird I do’t always feel it but when I do it's suffocating
Reminds me of when I listen to music I can hear the surrounding noise but I’m not really taking anything in
But this feels different like I’m half asleep
This one doesn’t really fall under the realm of depression
Just apathy