I dream of a dark tunnel with a bright light at the other side, like looking at the sun through the end of an empty toilet paper roll, playing Pirates and Ninjas on the top of the jungle gym with the rest of the kids from my apartment block. The wind rushes through my hair, gently whooshing past my face as I spread both my arms wide. Welcoming the breeze on my skin, a slight scent of sweat that lingers a little too long. I stand on the edge of the topmost bar with my legs set wide, the highest point I can reach.

"----kun, you're going to fall! " A little girl with her black hair up in pigtails says, scrambling up after me. Her pudgy arms aren't strong enough to pull her up on the first rung of bars but she tries her best anyway. Her face scrunching up with great effort as she continues her climb.

I've never heard the first part of what she said, where my name was supposed to be. It always felt like that low, thrumming in my ear that sometimes happens when I bend over or sit down. Her mouth moves but I hear nothing for a second. Then the sound of her voice comes back. 

"Hehe," I triumphantly place my hands on my hips, looking down at her from above my nose. She's only halfway up the jungle gym, struggling to get as high as I am. I know I'm speaking. But that's not my voice. It doesn't belong to me, "You'll never get up here if you don't try harder."

"Eeeeh," She says, "You're so mean ----kun!" She pouts at me for a second then scrunches up her nose as she heaves her tiny body upwards. It happens again, that low, static-y thrum where my name is supposed to be. I can still hear the cawing of crows and the rustling of the wind in the background. It only happens when she speaks my name.

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Strange words that sound like something I recognize. But when I say it out, it's like I'm speaking a completely different language. It rolls off my tongue, smooth like the surface of silken tofu but it leaves a bitter aftertaste behind.

It feels familiar, yet not. Something simultaneously far, yet near to the rippled depths of my soul. Funny, I know. Like a strong sense of 'Oh, I've seen this before'. 

I bend down to extend a hand towards her, offering to help her up. I feel my lips curl into a playful grin as her eyes quiver at my open palm, "Here. C'mon. I'll help you up."

Her dark eyes melt into a glittering moonlit sea. Her face brightening up into the biggest smile she can give. "Hehe," She giggles and attempts to pull herself up with my hand, "You're not that mean after a-"

This is where things go wrong. I don't know if she pulled too hard or if it was a bad idea to stand on a narrow bar to pull someone up or if it was both but my legs leave the bars. I fall. Everything slows down. Her fingers leave mine.

"----! ----!" She screams my name. All that comes out is static. Tears fall from her eyes. And she looks like she's lost her favourite teddy bear into the deep, black abyss of nothingness.

"Toru! Tor-" I say, looking up at her pig tails wave and flutter in the wind. Toru. The name that belongs to the girl with moonlit oceans in her eyes and cute pigtails tied up with pink scrunchies. This time she's the one with her hand outstretched, reaching out to grab mine. A horrible exchange of fate. I'm about to hit the ground.

This only happens when I'm sleeping, dreaming of things I've never seen before, people that I don't recognize and events that couldn't have possibly happened in front of a building I've never thought was possible to build. When I wake up the day after, all that's left is a odd, unfulfilling sense of emptiness that I can't really put a name to.

Something crunches in a sickening way.