Kochou Akimichi had three grand ambitions in life. Protect his little brother and Konoha, prevent the end of the world, and deck Kishimoto in the fucking face. And he absolutely loathed the fact that the latter was probably going to be the hardest thing to do on his list, but hey nothing worth doing is ever easy and all that jazz.  Fuck the timeline, fuck the plot, fuck destiny, and fuck everyone's shitty tragic backstory! If you're gonna be a bad guy then be an unrepentant asshole goddamnit, now I can't just kill you and call it a day. Call me a filthy hypocrite because goddamn if I don't hate shitty fix-it-fics back when I was on Earth, but goddamn if I just sit back and let all these kids kill each other! Immortals? High-speed regeneration? That just means I can enjoy castrating you twice or more, bring it on. (In which an OC who has no idea what the flying fuck he's doing is going to attempt to make the world a slightly better place while flying by the seat of his pants. Cannon? What's that? AU. Genderbent Naruto because I felt like it. Crack taken seriously? Munchkin-ing? I don't even know the words to describe this or the mess that's in my head so be warned)