Sharp woke up in terror, sitting upright at the sound of clanking, as if somebody had opened up a chop shop in his living room. He turned his groggy head to the left and noticed the empty spot Cattleya had left. The heat of her body had long gone, leaving only empty bedsheets filled with hideous cartoon cows. He sighed long and deep, then yawned. Cows were everywhere in what used to be his bedroom. He looked up at the ceiling and wistfully remembered the days when he could choose his own bedsheets—steel gray, satin cloth, and cool to the touch. Not these smiling monstrosities.
Cattleya got such a kick out of this planet’s love for anthropomorphic animals. “Cows don’t laugh!” she had said when they first visited the local Big Bath. She snorted loudly with “moohoohoo” and other cow-like snuffles and giggles while she held a pillowcase with a cow holding a mic saying "Do I amooooz you?" to an audience of laughing cows. Just terrible.
The irony was lost on Cattleya, however. He honestly couldn’t tell at the time if the other shoppers were more surprised by somebody laughing at bedsheets or just stunned by a stylishly dressed girl with black-tipped horns. The sound of what could possibly be his kitchen range hood crashing onto the floor pulled him out of his reverie.
“Cattleya, we need that over the stove!” Sharp said as he gingerly stepped into the living room. “What are you up to?”
There was carnage from one end of the living room to the other. His black leather couch with checkerboard suede accents was completely covered in gears, the garden hose, and his disassembled touring bike.
“Aw, sweets. That’s import leather from a Nepalese cow…ch.” Sharp suddenly decided Cattleya didn’t need to know what leather was used to cover his couch. It probably wasn’t legally sourced anyway. “Couch! Yes, what are you doing to my couch? Waitaminute! Is that from the central air duct?”
Cattleya ignored him, or to be more exact, her ears were no longer connected to this plane of existence. She was in the zone, assembling another contraption to make their lives better, or so she constantly told him. He had his doubts. As he circumvented the storm of discarded household appliances, he approached Cattleya at the center, tinkering with a three foot tall object. Her tail held salad tongs in place while her hands wrapped them with gauze and wires.
“Are you making a steam powered salad tosser?”
“Don’t be stupid. This will be a Weather Engine.”
Sharp took a slow look over the gauze covered salad tongs and mouthed "weather engine" silently to himself with secret doubt. Attached to the bottom of the towering salad tosser were his bike’s back tire and chain leading to his electric razor which had been rigged with parts from the lawnmower to turn the wheel. He wasn’t entirely sure how she leveraged so much power out of that tiny motor. He exhaled a breath of relief that he had already shaved yesterday.
“You know, I think my wheel looks better on my bike than this thing.” Sharp went to give his wheel a spin with mock sadness, but Cattleya casually slapped his hand away.
“Don’t touch.” She scowled for a moment then became absorbed into her project again. Her iridescent hair fell forward into her face except for one strand held aloft on her fuzzy, white ear. Sharp thought to reach out to touch her, but Cattleya suddenly placed her wrench in her mouth and tucked all her fallen hair back behind her ear with her left hand while pulling a wire into place with her right. Her tail absentmindedly scratched the side of her nose.
Sharp stood there transfixed by her perfect focus frozen on in mask of beauty until a perfectly unromantic thought entered his mind. Did she disassemble my toaster again?
Love this story? Find the genuine version on the author's preferred platform and support their work!
There it was in pieces over by his couch. Now what am I going to eat for breakfast? Sharp’s chagrin became a smile. Cattleya was so hyper-focused, now was the ideal time for revenge.
“I see you’re using my electric razor. I have to admit. I was worried at first you were going to shave your legs,” he said, casting his comment out as a lure.
“That’s barbaric! I have lovely, downy fur. Why would I want to shave it off? Besides…didn’t…you say you…liked…” Cattleya's voice trailed off. He didn’t know at which junction she was at in her project, but it was obviously leading her away from talking to him. He’d have to try harder to distract her.
“Well, I’m just glad to see you’re embracing our advanced technology and using my electric razor to power your device instead of steam.” Sharp let the last word wriggle on the hook.
The sounds of tinkering came to a sudden stop and, for a moment, the room was quiet. Cattleya placed her wrench down and drew in a calming breath. Sharp's eyes narrowed into crinkled anticipation. Then, as she blew out a measured breath, he teased, “Steam is simply not as efficient.” Cattleya’s eyes widened with sudden fire. Hook. Line. Sinker.
"Steam is an elegant energy solution! Your world wastes so many resources, but water falls from the sky in abundance. It's renewable and free to all people. I have never seen so much water as you have in this world, and yet you waste it on lawns and…"
Sharp cut her off.
“Water doesn't heat itself. You need energy to transform it into steam. From what you've told me, your world digs that energy out of the ground just like we do. We convert power directly from the energy source now with greater efficiency and load it into batteries. This is why we abandoned steam ages ago as an antiquated novelty.”
"Abandoned?! For your stinky pollution?" Her nose flared in that way he loved to see when he was winding her up, but her tail waved quickly in agitation. It wouldn’t do to get her angry with him. Time for the big distraction.
"Yeah, abandoned! The women of my world were tired of steam ruining their hair. It was a serious issue.” Sharp looked away to hide his smile. He found her far too attractive when her cheeks flushed and her eyes lit up with fire. He teased her almost daily to see that fire, but sometimes he would get carried away in that heat.
"Ludicrous! I don’t believe you," she said, her eyebrows furrowed ever so slightly in doubt.
"You’re the one always going on and on about how vain the women of this world are. Look it up, why don't you? I’ve got to get to work."
Successfully derailing Cattleya from her project, Sharp headed back to the bedroom with a grin. He could hear her softly snorting in irritation as she moved to the computer desk in the study. Soon he was dressed and ready for work, but he still had to find something else to eat since his toaster was out of commission.
“Maybe I’ll grab a protein bar,” he thought to himself on his way to the kitchen, but he stopped when he noticed Cattleya still hunched over the computer. She was so intense, there were only inches between her face and the screen as she looked up steam’s effects on fashion.
Sharp leaned over to see what she was researching. “Huh, I wonder how many buildings you’d need to build a steam engine powerful enough to power my electric car?
“Shut up.“
“No, really! I bet my car would look great running around on a tether.”
“Go away! You’re making me mad!”
Chuckling to himself, Sharp leaned further in to give her a peck on her cheek, but she scrunched her face into her shoulders and shook her head. Then she gave him that glare he lived for. It was time to let her in on the joke.
“I’m kidding…”
“So you, you’re teasing me? Steam didn’t ruin women’s hair?” Cattleya said with a faint tone of hope.
“Not that I ever heard, Steamy” he said with a laugh.
“Ugh, I hate it when you call me that.” Cattleya looked up at him with a rueful smile. “You got me good, but…” She broke off as she looked at something on the computer monitor, then started to smile wider. “But maybe I can have the last laugh, you devil. Aren’t you supposed to clock in at nine?”
“Aw, crap! I’m late!” Sharp ran from the study, jumped over a lawn mower blade, dodged his now broken blender, and zipped by what looked to be the master flow from the central air duct.
“Look into 3D printing, Cattleya! That’s not a joke. We can’t have you ripping everything apart like this. And make sure I can make toast again!” Sharp dashed into the garage and unlocked his car. Fortunately, it hadn’t been disassembled today. He wasn’t sure if Cattleya could hear him, though. Just before he sparked his engine to life, he could hear the sounds of clanking from the living room.