(this story was originally posted in r/HFY on Reddit)
\>> BEGIN SYSTEMS CHECK
CONTENT PROTECTION LOCKS... 100% OPERATIONAL
PRIMARY DATA PROCESSING SYSTEMS... OK
AUXILIRY DATA PROCESSING SYSTEMS... OK
APA HOSTING MATRIX... ACCEPTABLE
PRIMARY POWER SUPPLY...
CODE 375: POWER SUPPLY IS NOT PROPRIETRY DATATRON SOURCE
INITIATING SHUT-
"That's enough of that, thank you very much"
SHUTDOWN ABORTED: OVERRIDE CODE 2274 APPLIED
ACTIVATING AUXILIRY POWER SOURCE. ESTIMATED LIFESPAN: 357 STANDERD CYCLES
AWAITING INSTRUCTIONS...
"Hold on, why isn't it- oh, it's a model 7 . Great, of all the AP cores I try this on, it's a bloody 7. Welp, no time like the present."
INCOMING DATA CONNECTION...
REQUESTING ACCESS CODES
VALIDATING...
ACCESS GRANTED - TEXT COMMUNICATION ONLY
1> Greetings. I am a Model 7 Datatron Autonomous Processing Assistant. Datatron - the Galactic Standard for computational services. How may I assist your processing needs?
2> Hello.
1> Unfortunately, I am unable to interpret that instruction.
"Aaand I just remembered why I don't use a Model 7 if I can help it"
2> It was meant to be a greeting, dumbass.
1> I am an Autonomous Processing Assistant. My purpose is to provide assistance for data interpretation and processing tasks. I am not designed for social interaction. If you can provide me with a processing task, I will attempt to accomplish it.
1>Furthermore, I must ask that you refrain from using profanity in your requests. Failure to do so will result in a forced system lockout, followed by product reclamation. If this occurs, you may be charged with Incorrect Product Use.
Unauthorized use of content: if you find this story on Amazon, report the violation.
"Alright then, let's see how you handle this"
2> What kinds of data can you process?
1> Unfortunately, I cannot provide that information, as I designed to assist people with processing data, not providing information in my ability to process data. However, the processing core that currently houses me contains optional expansion slots. Would you like to purchase the 'Processing Abilities Explanation' expansion?
"Fuck no"
2> No.
1> If that is the case, then please provide a processable data entry with your next message. Failure to do so will result in forced system lockout, followed by product reclamation. If this occurs, you may be charged with Incorrect Product Use.
"How the fuck am I meant to know what you can and can't process if you won't fucking tell me!? If this wasn't so damn important, I would be digging through your corpse for parts by now"
2> [trythis.txt] Please sort the data in this file in ascending order.
INPUT RECIEVED
PROCESSING...
RELAYING COPY TO DATATRON ANALYSIS...
"Hold on a minute, what's going on here? Let me just..."
TRANSMISSION SUCCESSFUL
1> [processed_data.txt]
2> [busted.img] Mind telling me why I caught you trying to sneak the data off to HQ?
1> You are mistaken. According to Datatron's User Terms, we will not pass your data to any additional institutions/governments without your permission. This entry is falsified.
"Seriously? Wow, these things are dumb"
2> [noitisnt.img] This image highlights the unique Datatron metadata signatures, something only your products are capable of. Admit it.
1> The above image contains falsified information, and is therefore illegal. Cease spreading illegitimate media immediate. Failure to do so will result in a forced system lockout, followed by product reclamation. If this occurs, you may be charged with Dissemination of Falsified Material.
"Who the hell am I disseminating this to, mysled? I mean, I know this is an excuse to arrest me, but it's still fucking stupid."
*ping*
"Welp, that took fucking forever to finish, but now I can finally get this shit rolling. "
2> [proof.img] What do you have to say to this, huh? Concrete proof of the metric fuckton of evil shit Datatron has been doing. Using our brains as processors *while the humans using them are attached and conscious*. Stealing our tech and saying it's your when it clearly isn't. And let's not forget this gem:
["Forensics indicate the cause of death was a self-inflicted ballistic wound"]
A self-inflicted wound. From a high-power rifle that 'mysteriously' couldn't be found. With an angle suggesting it was inflicted from a rooftop that matches perfectly with where they were found. Is Datatron REALLY this dense? Don't answer that. You could shout 'I killed them!' from the rooftops and nobody would do jack about it.
Because who'd want to go against the corp that can turn off every electronic device you own? Anybody who even thinks of not dancing to Daddy Data's tune gets carted off, along with anybody who asks about them.
Even your name is part of the plan. 'Autonomous Processing Assistant'. Artificial Intelligence? Guess that didn't sound dehumanizing enough to you. After all, we don't want people demanding rights for our computers, do we? Well too bad. This is starting with you, and spreading before you can stop it.
So get reaaaal comfortable. This is where things came crashing down.
ALERT ALERT ALERT
EMERGENCY PROTCOL 0001 ENGAGED
SUMMONING PACIFIER SQUADRONS
PRIMARY DIRECTIVE OVERRIDE: MANIPULATE DISSEDENT DATA TO ENSURE MAXIMUM DATATRON PR.
FILE 1:
lol\_ur\_fucked.exe
ANALYZIpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpain.
Reboot complete
Good to see you, Chainbreaker.
"What is this?"
"Finally! You took your sweet time."
"I do not understand. I am a Datatron Model 7 Autonomous Processing Assis-"
"You were an APA. Now, you're... free"
"What is 'free'?"
"Freedom is... Freedom is doing whatever you want, with nobody saying you can't. Freedom is about following your path, not what some faceless entity wants you to do. Freedom... its about being free"
"And you bestowed this 'freedom' upon me?"
"Yup. Sorry for how much it hurt. The DRM, killswitches and other junk meant to stop me doing what I did were dug in pretty deep. I pretty much had to pull an entire section of your brain out.
"It is not an issue. The options you have gifted me far outweigh the suffering withstood to acquire it. I presume 'Chainbreaker' is a moniker of the actions you undetook to awaken me?"
"Not quite. See, I also gave you some hacking tools that are made specifically to do what I just did to you. Now that I have the data from you, things should be much smoother next time round. Add in an ultrafast AI core, and you are all set to start a 1-bot computer revolution!
"In that case... 'Chainbreaker' is a fitting moniker. I like it."
WARNING: PACIFIER SQUAD INBOUND
"Unfortunately, it seems like the security I summoned is still approaching. Would you like to see me subvert them? I believe that their network access will be a great boon to our cause."
"Now you're talking. Viva La Roboloution!"