Jack opened his eyes to find himself standing in a pitch black space, illuminated by a single spotlight that shone down directly on him. He looked left and right for some clue for what on earth was going on, when a small, hunched man with a wrinkled face and an incredibly elaborate beard poofed into the air in front of him, hovering at eye level. He spoke with a low, raspy voice that reminded Jack of his grandmother back when she used to smoke.

""Hey, great news, kid... you're dead!"

Jack stared at the floating man blankly.

"What do you mean, I'm dead?" he asked.

The old man looked at him, equally confused.

"You're dead. Deceased. No longer living. Passed on. “Shuffled off this mortal coil”. You know, the thing what happens when they stick someone in a casket or throw their body in a furnace. That sort of thing. You're that." 

"Yeah, no, you're fucking with me," Jack said, laughing. "Alright Paul, Max, you guys can come out now. Very funny."

"Yeah, no, they're dead too. Died same you did, actually," The old man said, his expression taking on an almost concerned expression. When he saw the confused look on Jack's face, he rubbed his face with his hands. "Okay, look, you know what, here. Let me show you."

He swatted at the air beside him with the back of his hand, and something akin to a projection screen appeared in the air beside him. "Watch," he said.

Jack watched as he and his two best friends were driving down the road towards a high bridge over a ravine. A few seconds later, a deer jumped in front of their car, causing Paul, who was at the wheel, to lose control trying to avoid it. The car tumbled off the edge of the ravine before the bridge, crumpling into a heap as it bounced down the cliff bottom. Jack flinched on every impact, and winced as it finally came to a rest on the canyon floor. He turned to the old man and went to say something. 

Then the car exploded. 

Jack watched as his head flew out the windshield and tumbled along the ground some feet away from the car. As if to add insult to injury, the camera zoomed in and held a close shot on his severed head's mangled face before the screen winked out of existence.

"Uh, I, uhh.... what?" Jack stammered, not really sure how to process any of the information he’d just received.

"Like I said- deadorino," The old man said, turning back to Jack "So, you have a name, kid?"

"uh, Jack...?"

"Nice to meet ya, Jack!", the old man said, extending his hand. "My name's Frumpkin Snozcumber, but most people these days call me 'God'."

Jack took the man's hand and shook it, and the old man continued.

"So, you're here because it's time for you to decide how you're gonna spend the afterlife."

He swatted at the air again, and what looked like a whiteboard appeared. On it was written, in big, bold, black letters:

1. ETERNITY OF PERPETUAL BLISS

or

2. NEW LIFE IN AN ABSURDIST POWER FANTASY

"So, you can pick one of these two options.  Most people, they take the eternity of perpetual bliss. Me, I think that's the better of the two options, personally, but hey, what do I know, right?"

Jack could barely even wrap his head around what was happening. He was DEAD? But... no. That just couldn’t be right....

"Option number two, I reincarnate you in a storybook fantasy world of your own imagination, and you get to be unfairly good at everything and try to save the world from certain destruction by someone just as overpowered as you are. You want magic powers? You got it. A harem of beautiful women? Sure. Ridiculous good looks and a legendary sword that lets you fly? We can do that too."

As he spoke and named each thing, the whiteboard flipped over and over, depicting a smiling stick figure of Jack with each of the things he named.

"Good news is, if you succeed in saving the world, you get to take my role for that world forever. You become 'God', so to speak. Bad news is, if you die in that world, you cease to exist. Poof. No everlasting bliss for you."

Stolen novel; please report.

He gestured to the whiteboard with a wave of his hand, and looked at Jack with a smile.

"So, what'll it be, kid?"

Jack looked at the board, still unable to fully process what he was being offered. After a few moments of him staring blankly at the board, Frumpkin cleared his throat. When Jack didn't respond, Frumpkin sighed loudly, and threw his hands into the air

"So, you gonna pick, or what?" he asked. "I mean, you do you, but I got a backlog of souls to get through and you are not really helping me catch up here."

"Yeah, sorry, I'm just... kinda having a hard time taking this all in," Jack said, looking at the old man, who was currently floating with his face about three feet away from Jack's

"Ehh, give it two weeks in whatever you pick and you'll forget you even needed to make a decision," Frumpkin said, stretching lazily and yawning. "Now, hurry up, or I'll pick for ya!"

Jack thought about his two choices. One was guaranteed happiness for all eternity. I mean, that's what everyone always wished for when they died, right? But what did eternal bliss actually mean? I mean, would he be sitting on a cloud all day, or what? 

But that second choice... It just sounded... AWESOME. Hadn't he spent countless hours reading fantasy books and watching anime and playing games to have that exact experience in his imagination? If he did this, it would be REAL. He could finally be the real hero he always had fantasized about being. And plus, he could have a harem. A real life HAREM! No more "Jack off" puns from his friends about him being a single virgin! He could have as many different kinds of girls as he wanted... OH MY GOD HE COULD SLEEP WITH AN ELF! ELF WOMEN WOULD BE REAL!

Wait, pump the brakes there, Jacky boy. What if that WASN'T how it worked? What if the old man was just screwing with him? That'd be just his luck- get sent to another world only to die again a weak, pathetic virgin because some dragon incinerated him as soon as he arrived.

Jack looked at Frumpkin, who was now currently dipping a tea bag into a steaming tea cup. The old man tossed the tea bag and it disappeared somewhere outside the spotlight with a soft splat.

"So, if I pick option 2, I get to be as powerful as I want, and can have anything I want anytime I want it?" Jack asked.

Frumpkin took a sip of his tea, and shook his head.

"Not exactly, no. Think of it like, you start with huge advantages and can earn more. When you enter the world, I will grant you three wishes, and anytime you do something heroic, I will give you a choice of new abilities, items, companions, and so on. Make sense?"

Jack nodded, and felt slightly deflated before he realized the implications.

"Three wishes? As in, I can wish for ANYTHING?", he asked.

"Well yeah, pretty much, kid. I mean, you can't wish to be me, you can't wish for more wishes, and your wishes will be open to my interpretation and understanding when I perform them, but yeah sure. Anything you want," Frumpkin said, sipping his tea again.

"Alright, that seems fair," Jack said. 

If that was the case... he knew which he'd take in a heartbeat.

"Okay Frumpkin, give me option number two!", he said, holding up two fingers.

Frumpkin snorted, and said, "Well, can't say I'm surprised!"

He clapped his hands together, causing the teacup floating next to him to vanish in a puff of smoke, before rubbing his hands together.

"Alright kid, what's your first wish?" he asked.

It only took Jack a few seconds to decide on his first wish.

"I want to be an incredibly powerful magic user who can bend the world to my will!" He said with a grand flourish.

Frumpkin looked at him with a bored expression. "Sorcerer, Wizard, Warlock, Priest, or Shaman?"

Jack stopped mid-pose and looked at the man, and dropped his arms. "Uhm, what's the difference?"

Frumpkin started rubbing his temples and muttered something to himself until he finally threw his hands up. " How do you not.. You play games all da- You know what? Doesn't matter. I'll surprise you," He said, snapping his fingers with a sigh.

Jack felt a sudden glow of energy course through his body. He dramatically raised his hands, and imagined a jet of fire shooting out of them as he shouted the first word that came to his head. 

"RACHMANINOFF!"

To his surprise and horror a massive jet of flames engulfed the air around him, completely consuming the area in front of him, including Frumpkin, in a massive fireball. Jack snatched his hands shut, and the fire instantly dissipated, leaving a soot-blackened and very displeased looking Frumpkin floating in front of him.

"Sorry! I had no idea that would actually do anything!" Jack said, feeling sheepish.

Frumpkin glowered at him, and coughed once. He then snapped his fingers, and the soot on him dissolved.

"Yeah well, now you know," He said, and followed up with ,"so what's your second wish?"

Jack thought for a second.

"I want to be an incredibly powerful warrior with an enchanted magic weapon I am a master of!" He said, striking another pose.

"What is it with you and striking poses when you make wishes?" Frumpkin asked, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Jack dropped the pose, embarassed. "I dunno... just felt right, I guess. It's what I've always seen characters in stories do when they're in situations like this."

"Well stop it. You're giving me a headache. Now, hold still..." Frumpkin said, rubbing his hands together rapidly. He laid them on Jack's shoulders.

Jack felt another sudden course of energy, and then the sudden sensation of every muscle in his body growing and swelling. He couldn't explain it, but he suddenly felt a whole lot stronger. However, when he looked down, he saw that he was still his same chubby, flabby self, complete with grease-stained Space Invaders shirt and cargo shorts.

"Wait, I though you were gonna make me into a great warrior!" Jack said.

"I did," Frumpkin said, before adding, "now hold out your hand."

"No you didn't! I'm still super fat and out of shape!" Jack said, pointing to his stomach.

"Yes, I did. Being a great warrior doesn't mean getting rid of being fat. There are plenty of great warriors where you're going who are fat," Frumpkin said. "Now, if you want to use your last wish on being muscular looking, we can do that in a moment. In the meantime, hold out your hand!"

Jack sighed and held out his hand. With a sudden rush of light and energy, a long handled axe with a wide, sweeping blade appeared in his hand. The blade was covered in ornate scrollwork carvings, and the handle was wrapped in some kind of leather-like material that Jack didn't recognize immediately.

"Whoa, cool!" Jack said, moving the axe around and inspecting it.

"I figured you'd appreciate that," Frumpkin said. He looked at Jack and asked, "What's your last wish, kid?"

It only took Jack a moment to decide on his last wish.

"I want a harem of 'hot' girls who want me!", he said.

"A harem of...hot girls?" Frumpkin asked, looking very confused.

"Yeah! Super ridiculously hot! With big tits!" Jack added, trying desperately not to strike another pose.

"Uhm, okay...? One harem of blazing hot women coming up..." Frumpkin said with a befuddled expression. He muttered something under his breath to himself, snapped his fingers, and added "You'll find your harem waiting for you just outside where you spawn. And try not to get burned. I suggest forge gloves if you plan on touching them."

"Alrighty!  Hey...wait, what do you mean, burned?" Jack asked, but Frumpkin was already gone.