Here I am, sitting on a throne of the Entilian Empire surrounded by a harem of hot queens from various fantasy species, and I’m MISERABLE! Now you no doubt are questioning my sanity if you’re some horny prepubescent boy or man with a huge libido, but that’s only because you’re thinking with Jr. I doubt you’ll take my word for it though. So let’s start from the beginning so you get a better understanding at least of where I’m coming from. YO! Goddess! Some third person narration please? Thanks, I hate you too and you’re enjoying this way too much. By the way everyone, so you don’t get confused, I’m Henry. CUE THE THIRD PERSON NARRATION!

~~~~~~~~

So... I guess he’s leaving it to me to explain things. What the hell, I’m in a good mood right now. So Henry the 8th here was hit by a beer truck. SURPRISE! Yeah, I wasn’t surprised either. What is it with trucks these days on Earth though? By the way, he didn’t save anyone. The beer truck driver was drunk. I wonder why? Anyways, his soul was brought before me and I– Wait, why are you complaining already? I’m telling the story like you wanted! Hey don’t make a skill to insert yourself back into the narration!

I’ll do what I want and I told you: T.H.I.R.D. person narration!

Who cares if it’s in third person or not?! Fine! How about this: We let the Book of Ages do the narration. That’s completely in third person, just like you want. Deal?

Deal!

Okay then! Setting the Book of Ages to auto-play then. Where is the remote for it? I swear I left it – oh, there it is! Sorry about that everyone! This time for real.

~~~~~~~~

Henry was listening to Justin Bieber, oblivious to the world, at a crosswalk in Los Angeles. The pedestrian cross light signaled that it was safe and as soon as he stepped into the street a drunk driver hit him with a beer truck. Death was instantaneous. This is why you look both ways before you cross the street.

The next thing Henry knew, he was before the Goddess Elgenta.

“Holy shiz! Where am I?” Henry said stereo-typically like all people who have just died.

“Welcome mortal! I am Elgenta! This is the realm between life and death! Oh yeah, sorry, but you’re absolutely dead. There would be panic if I revived you from nothing more than body paste so don’t even try begging for it.”

“Nah, my life sucked with insane rent, man-hating bosses, and nothing but anime and video games to fill the empty void.”

“...Oh... I see. *ahem* My condolences.”

“Ooo! Does that mean I get some kind of consolation bonus for my new life + mode?!” Henry asked like the degenerate weeb that he was.

“What?! No! I mean... how did you know I was gonna offer you a new life?” Elgenta asked sincerely perplexed.

“I recommend typing in isekai into whatever internet search engine you guys use up here. It’s like the new version of cheap romance novel quality writing - except the target audience is prepubescent boys instead of prepubescent girls.”

“Oh... Well, that aside let me explain the rules–”

“– How many wishes!” Henry asked, cutting her off excitedly.

“... With that attitude you’re not gonna get any. Shut up and let me explain first.”

“Yes ma’am,” Henry said, instantly checking himself.

“Usually you get three wishes, but since I’m in a particularly bitchy mood, you get one.”

“Awww...” Henry whined, trying to put on his best puppy face, but he was a 35 year old hobo looking guy.

“Ew,” Elgenta said with a look of digust, “Don’t try me kid or you’re not gonna get even one at this rate.”

“Tsh!” Henry clicked his tongue before replying, “Fine, I’ll take the one wish.”

“I’m not done explaining yet. You are being sent to a magical world. Dragons, wizards, and witches – oh my! Yeah, that whole jazz.”

“Ooo! Are there skill systems in this world?”

“Skill systems? You mean like a video game?”

“Yeah!”

“.... Yes, and no. I swear, I hate dealing with the nerds.”

“Hey! We are ‘men of culture,’” Henry proudly declared while closing his eyes, trying to look as dignified as a man with a neckbeard could.

The goddess suppressed a laugh, which elicited a dirty look from Henry.

“My, bad. Just... ‘men of culture?’” the goddess suppressed another snicker.

“You were explaining?” Henry said obviously annoyed at her.

“R-right,” she said composing herself, “There is a skill system in this world, but it’s not exactly something that people in this world know about or see except for some special individuals.”

“They have the inspector skill, right!?” Henry asked excitedly.

If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

“...Level with me here for a moment. Just how much of this is common knowledge in that pulp fiction you people watch?”

“We have a whole genre dedicated to these kinds of things.”

“Holy! I guess I’m gonna have to disable a certain someone’s access to Earth internet.”

“Wait! You can’t take back a wish! Isn’t that like our consolation for a crappy life or living like a saint?” Henry protested.

“Well, you do have a point, but there is also a rule saying I can’t revoked these kinds of wishes too. Crap. Guess I’ll just update the conditions of his wish being granted,” she said before swiping her finger in the air and conjuring a blue screen out of no where. On the screen appeared what looked like a video call to a balding middle aged man.

“Oh shi– I mean, how are you today Elgenta? Lovely weather, isn’t it? Hehehe,” the man said laughing nervously.

“How are you Yamato? Still breaking our promise not to tell stories about your new home to Earth via the internet?” Elgenta asked with closed eyes and a menacing smile.

“N-n-not at all! Why would you say that?” Yamato asked with a guilty look on his face.

Elgenta waved a hand over to Henry. “Meet Henry, he’s a big fan of your new genre of literature called isekai.”

“I... uh...”

“Can it! I’m revoking your posting privileges on your Earth internet access skill.”

“Noooooooooo!” Yamato pathetically cried out, knowing that all 50 of his fan fics would be discontinued indefinitely.

Elgenta swiped her hand again and the screen disappeared.

“So... you can’t take back the wish, but you can edit it? Is that right?” Henry asked already scheming.

“Yes!” The goddess said assertively, “Which brings us back to your wish. What is it?”

Henry crossed his arms, closed his eyes and started brain storming. If he had had three wishes then he would have been set. He had planned for just such a moment like this thanks to his nerdy life. His plans for this moment were as well thought out as his 29 different zombie survival plans. But to make things work he needed three wishes...

“Can I–”

“No, you can’t wish for other wishes.”

“Party pooper.”

“What was that?” Elgenta asked with some edge in her voice.

“Nothing! Nothing at all!” Henry weasel-ly replied. He started to wrack his mind again for a way to achieve his Best Isekai Life Ever dream plan. Then, it hit him! A creepy, smug, and scheming smile stretched its way across his face as he began to chuckle menacingly.

“Why do I feel like I’m making a huge mistake granting him any wish at all?” Elgenta thought to herself as she looked at Henry with uncomfortable concern.

“I’ve got it!” Henry exclaimed, “I wish for a skill that can make other skills without limitations!”

“Ah, crap,” Elgenta said, slapping her forehead with her palm. She could tell this one was going to be trouble already.

Henry began to laugh maniacally like the power-tripping nerd that he was.

“One condition!” Elgenta interrupted his self-indulgent evil laughter, “You can’t use your skills to try and conquer the world or become some demon lord. Anything like that and I’m going to make you acquainted with the business end of a lightning bold. Capisce?”

Henry cleared his throat before exclaiming “Nah, that BS is too cliche, not to mention a pain in the neck. I’m gonna make skills that let me enjoy a life of absolute solitude. People are toxic shit bags. I’m just gonna avoid any intelligent life period.”

While she was relieved that Henry didn’t have any... malicious intentions she was seriously miffed by Henry’s antisocial declaration just now. “You know, there are good people too.”

“Yes, but my dear goddess, people are like parking spots, the good ones are always taken,” Henry said while closing his eyes, trying to sound profound, but only sounding like even more of a loser.

“You know what, I’m not dealing with this right now. I’m sending you down.”

“Whoa! Wait! What about the tutoriaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal!” Henry said as he began falling from the sky of his new home world. Before he could he begin to process things, he landed in a pond at the foot of a large waterfall. In the panic that ensued he used his cheat skill for the first time. He created a ‘breathe under water’ skill. That was a bad idea. Henry had never seen those liquid oxygen breathing apparatuses back on Earth. The instant he got back onto land he started hacking up all the water he had “breathed” in.

“What was that for!?” He yelled back up at the sky to the goddess, but he received no reply. She was watching him from above though.

“Fine! You gonna ignore this mortal? I’m going to get your attention!” Henry declared. “Skill Creation! Eternal youth! Passive skill that makes the user un-aging and gives them a body full of youthful vigor.” Instantly Henry felt wild changes going on inside his body as if someone had shoved his organs into a blender and flipped the settings to puree. “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! What the hell is this pain!?” He screamed while rolling on the ground and then puking.

He heard Elgenta laughing at him from the sky.

“Oh you’re enjoying this, are you?! Fine! Round two! Skill creation! Immortal! Makes the user incapable of being killed or dying of natural causes!” This time he felt the change again, but this time it was less wild and intense. Felt like someone was massaging all his organs. Weird, but kinda therapeutic.

At this point Elgenta started to worry. There had been many un-aging people in the past and even several immortal people, but both immortal and un-aging was less common. On top of that, she doubted he was done making skills with his cheat. She was right.

“Round three! Skill creation! Invulnerable! Makes the user impervious to all forms of physical harm.” He would soon regret making that skill. Suddenly it felt like he was being squeezed like a lemon and he rolled on the ground in agony.

Elgenta would have been saying ‘serves you right!’ but she was too busy contemplating just how much she had screwed up by granting Henry his wish. “Uuuuuuugh!” She pinched her brow and massaged it with closed eyes. He had just made himself into a being that couldn’t be called human anymore. She had to stop this before it got too out of hand.

“Alright! You got my attention weeb! I’m putting some restrictions on what you can make.”

“The wish said no limits!” Henry fired back.

“Even rights are conditional buddy. Can’t have you go around violating natural laws left and right. No more ‘without restrictions’ status to any new skills you make.”

Henry made a pouting face.

“Or would you like to continue having organ shifting experiences every time you make a skill?”

Henry could feel her closed eyes and menacing smile even if he couldn’t see them.

“Okay! Okay! You win! I don’t want to experience that ever again!” Henry relented.

“Good,” Elgenta said, sounding proud of herself for reigning him in, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to have some well deserved me time.”

Henry smiled creepily, “Oh? Is that the excuse you use when you peek on the hot men of your world? Naughty goddess.”

“Don’t project yourself on to me you NEET!” She said before a bolt of lightning rained down from the sky hitting Henry dead on the head.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaagh?” Henry screamed for a moment before they both realized he was now invulnerable. “Hah ha! Take that divine lightning!” Henry soon would regret that as he felt a chill up his spine. He heard Elgenta snap her fingers and instantly he was assailed with head splitting pain.

“You’re not immune to mental attacks,” Elgenta said smugly, “So if I were you, I would avoid insulting me. I can make your life a living hell.”

“Okay! Okay! I give! I give! Uncle! Aunty! Sugar momma goddess PLEASE!”

The pain stopped, but he felt another chill again.

“Don’t EVER call me sugar momma again. Got it?” the last part was filled with enough venom to scare Henry as intended.

“Got it! Won’t happen again benevolent goddess!”

“It better not,” she said before going silent.

After a long moment of silence Henry muttered to himself, “... Yeah, I’m going to have to make an ‘immune to mental attacks’ skill.”

Elgenta face-palmed again. Yeah, this had been a mistake.