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My Mother's Demons
1. The strange new roommate

1. The strange new roommate

“You sure you want to do this?” Jack asked me.

I glanced at the rearview mirror to make sure Violet wasn’t paying attention. Her eyes were fixed on the small video screen attached to the back of my seat.

“Not really,” I admitted. “But I haven’t seen her in over a year, and she sounded almost sad on the phone. I guess I felt bad for her.”

Jack turned the wheel, and we curved off the main road onto a thin residential street.

“That’s awfully kind of you. You don’t owe her anything.”

“I know. But her tone sounded different. I guess I’m just hopeful that maybe things have changed.”

“Whatever you want to do, I’ll support it. We can stay as little or as long as you want.”

I put a hand on his thigh.

“Thanks, baby.”

I could feel apprehension clawing at the inside of my stomach, even though it was stupid of me to be worried. Jack was right. I held all the cards. The second I didn’t like something, we’d pack up and leave.

We were close. I recognized the block I’d grown up on.

“Violet?”

I fought against the seatbelt to twist around and meet her eyes.

“Are you ready to see Grandma?”

She bubbled in her seat with excitement.

“Yeah!”

I smiled.

“Well, we’re here! Remember to say please and thank you, okay?”

“Okay!”

Jack parked on the street and climbed out. I stepped out of the car while he helped Violet hop down to the curb. She ran ahead of us to the front door. Jack grabbed my hand.

“Ready?”

“Let’s do it.”

My mother appeared at the front door. She’d dyed her hair brown to ward off the silver streaks, but I could tell she’d aged since I’d seen her last. New wrinkles and spots of photoaging betrayed her.

“Violet!” she exclaimed, sweeping my daughter up in a hug.

She set Violet down and exchanged more formal embraces with Jack and me. A quick clap of our arms around each other. Like a business handshake.

“Laura. Thanks for coming. It’s good to see you.”

I nodded tersely.

“You’re welcome.”

We entered and took off our shoes. This might’ve been a hostile engagement in enemy territory, but I had enough decency not to track mud onto the carpet.

“You redecorated,” Jack noted, gesturing to the navy-blue couch in the living room. “It’s nice.”

“Thank you,” my mother said. “I had Michael help me move it in. I’ve told you about Michael, right?”

I frowned and gave Jack a look. He shrugged.

“Oh, well he’s this lovely young man I’ve been renting out my attic to,” she said. “He’s moved out to Glemridge to find work as an attorney after law school.”

“Oh yeah. That’s right.”

She’d mentioned renting out her attic when we’d spoken on the phone. I thought she’d been talking about storing a few boxes for a friend, not landlording for a fully grown human being.

She ushered us into the kitchen.

“Lunch is almost ready. I remember you said Violet’s new favorite is mac and cheese, so I’ve got that cooking to go with the sandwiches. I’ve also been buying lots of radishes lately, so I made a salad.”

Jack and I smiled politely.

“Anything I can do to help?” he asked.

“Why don’t you keep Violet entertained and out of the kitchen while I set up. Laura, do you mind helping?”

Jack met my eyes, but I squeezed his hand and released him to attend to Violet.

“Sure,” I said.

“Let’s go play,” Jack said, guiding Violet down the hall. Their voices dimmed to quiet murmurs around the corner.

My mother handed me a stack of placemats. Her knuckles had begun to swell with age. I felt just a glimmer of remorse for avoiding her.

“How’s work going?” she asked me.

A safe question.

“The research is good,” I said. “I’ve got a paper I’m working on that might get published in one of the big journals.”

“I won’t even bother asking what it’s about. It would probably go way over my head. All that science.”

I set down the placemats and accepted silverware.

“The details are a bit complicated,” I admitted. “But essentially, we’re looking at corn DNA. I’ve found few genes that help them repel worms and other pests. By using genetic engineering to enhance those adaptations, we can give them an advantage over their natural predators.”

She smiled as she stirred the macaroni noodles boiling on the stovetop.

“I knew my daughter would save the world one day.”

“It’s just growing better corn. Something people have been doing for thousands of years.”

“It’s impressive. And what about Jack? Is he still…”

She trailed off.

“Yes,” I said. “Jack is still bartending.”

“He must be making good money if he’s still working there.”

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I pressed the fork firmly into its position on the placemat.

“The money’s fine,” I said. “He just really enjoys the job, and it lets him take care of Violet in the mornings when I go in early.”

My mother nodded and poured the macaroni over the strainer.

“How are you?” I asked.

“I’m well these days. Michael has been good company, but it’s tough to keep myself occupied when he’s busy.”

“You could work. Find a part-time job and get out of the house a bit.”

She laughed at the notion.

“Oh, I could never. I’d get too overwhelmed. Plus, I get social security in just a few more years.”

“Do you have any friends?”

“Not around here. Not since Milly moved out. You remember her? Mrs. Morganson?”

I pulled the salad out of the fridge – a big bowl of lettuce, chopped tomatoes, radish slices, and shredded cheese. In the shelf below was a bulging bag of radishes, at least six or seven pounds of them.

“What’s with all the radishes?” I asked.

“Oh, Michael likes to cook with them,” she said. “He’s quite the chef.”

I’d always thought radishes were only good for feeding rabbits. I supposed someone had to like them, but I couldn’t think of a way to eat that many radishes before they went bad other than gobbling them like chicken nuggets.

“You said Michael’s living up in the attic? Why not give him my old room?”

She shook her head and poured cheese powder into the macaroni.

“That room’s for you. If you ever want to visit and spend a few days over.”

I sighed.

“Mom, gestures like that aren’t going to make me come see you more often.”

She slapped down the bag of cheese dust and turned to face me.

“Then what will?”

Finding a way to erase twenty years of irresponsibility and sabotage, I thought, but I didn’t get a chance to speak, because the sound of footsteps echoed into the kitchen.

A man descended the staircase. He was of average height, with sandy hair and a chin-up posture. His wore khaki pants with a freshly ironed plaid shirt that screamed, “I want you to think these are the clothes I wear around the house, but I definitely dressed up for this occasion.”

“Hey hey!” he exclaimed. “Sally, is this your daughter?”

“Yep. Here she is. Michael, Laura. Laura, Michael.”

He shook my hand enthusiastically.

“Truly a pleasure. Sally’s told me all about you.”

He winked.

“Don’t worry. It’s all good.”

I forced a polite smile.

“Nice to meet you, too. How is it living here?”

“No complaints,” he announced. “Sally really is a great roommate. We binged a couple old Hitchcock movies together last night.”

I looked over at her, and she nodded, smiling. My eyebrows furrowed involuntarily.

“How’d you two end up with this arrangement? Last I heard, my mom wasn’t looking to become a landlord.”

Michael leapt into explanation.

“Sally really saved my ass. I got this offer from a firm nearby, but I had absolutely nowhere to stay, and they wanted me to start right away. I was living out of my car for the first week. Then, I encountered her by chance at the gas station up the road, and we got to talking. I mentioned my situation, and she was kind enough to offer her upstairs for a few months while I get settled.”

Michael had an energy that was something between a puppy and a car salesman. I wasn’t sure if I found his affect unsettling or if it just the way he talked so enthusiastically about someone like my mother.

I think she blushed.

“You’re too kind, Michael. Would you like to join us for lunch?”

He raised his hands in deference.

“Oh, I couldn’t. I know you haven’t seen each other in ages, and this is your chance to catch up. I don’t want to intrude.”

“Are you sure? Really, we’d be happy to have you at the table,” my mother pressed.

He shook his head.

“Thank you, Sally. But I can’t. I have lots of cases to review upstairs anyways.”

He shook my hand again. Fervently.

“It was so nice to meet you. Please give my regards to your husband, wherever he is.”

“I will.”

He grabbed a pair of radishes from the fridge and hurried back upstairs. My mother turned to me.

“So,” she whispered. “What do you think?”

“He seems nice,” I ventured. “How long is he staying here?”

“Probably just a couple months. But he’s a lawyer,” she said, eyebrows leaping upwards with emphasis at the word. “I know he’s a couple years younger than you, but I think he would be a great person to get to know.”

“Holy shit,” I exclaimed, lurching away from her.

I hushed my tone so as not to let Violet hear us in the next room.

“Are you trying to set me up with this guy?”

She looked at me like I’d told her she had a third arm. She shook her head vigorously.

“No! Not at all! I just think he’s a smart young man and a pleasure to get along with. I think you’d enjoy getting to know him.”

“Mom,” I glowered. “Jack is my husband. He makes me happy, and he’s a good father to Violet. I don’t care what you think of him. Not anymore.”

She sighed with exasperation.

“Oh, not this again. I’ve already said my piece. You don’t need to get all defensive.”

“I’m getting defensive because you’re suggesting I cheat on my husband.”

“I am not,” she leveled. “I just thought it wouldn’t hurt just to see that lots of important men, like Michael, would find you to be an interesting person to know. Just a reminder that there’s lots of men out there doing bigger things with their lives.”

I slapped the bottle of salad dressing down on the table.

“That’s it. I’m going home.”

Her face fell.

“Laura, please don’t. I’m sorry. I take it back.”

“You can’t just take back shit like that. It doesn’t work that way.”

Her lip trembled. Macaroni and cheese steamed, unattended, in the pot behind her.

“I don’t know what I was hoping for, coming here today,” I said. “I guess I wanted to believe things would be different, but that was wishful thinking.”

“I’m sorry,” my mother huffed. “I just hate how that man you’ve married has turned you against me. I wish I could have our relationship back. Even just a little bit of it.”

“If you think Jack is the reason I don’t come visit, then you really don’t understand what you’ve done at all.”

“Then tell me. I raised you for eighteen years. What happened?”

“That’s the thing,” I snapped. “You didn’t raise me. You criticized me to adulthood and made me feel like a failure when I didn’t live up to your absurd expectations. You have a problem with everything I do that isn’t winning a Nobel prize, and yet you never held yourself to the same standard. All you did was sit around at home and waste all the money Dad earned before he died.”

Jack poked his bearded face through the entryway to the kitchen, offering backup with his presence.

“Go get Violet,” I told him. “I’ll meet you in the car.”

“Okay.”

He vanished.

I turned to face my mother. She twisted off the stove burner and stared down at her feet.

“That’s not true,” she said.

“Then what is?”

“I didn’t waste our money. It’s expensive to raise a child as a single parent.”

“You bought a Mercedes for yourself six months after the funeral. You’d sit at home and watch hours of reality TV and then yell at me for being an idiot when I brought home a B-plus from school. Doesn’t that sound a little messed up?”

“I just wanted you to be better than me. Doesn’t every parent want that for their kids?”

“You can’t bully your kid into being what you want them to be. And you have to start by setting an example yourself.”

She didn’t answer.

“I’m going,” I said.

“Is there anything I can say to make you stay?”

I considered the question for a few seconds.

“No.”

And that was the truth.

I pulled my shoes on in the entryway and saw myself out the door. Jack had the car revving and Violet buckled into her car seat. I climbed in.

“Why are we leaving Grandma?” Violet asked.

I let my scalp sag against the headrest.

“It turns out that today wasn’t a good day to visit Grandma. We’ll get lunch on the way home.”

“Oh. Okay.”

My mother waved at us from her doorstep. Violet waved back as we peeled away.

Jack didn’t ask me what happened while we drove, and I was grateful.

We stopped at a side-of-the-road burger place after a half hour of driving and grabbed a quick lunch. Another half hour, and we were back home.

“Will you watch Violet?” I asked Jack. “I need a minute to process.”

He rubbed the small of my back in passing.

“Yeah. Of course.”

I wandered into the bedroom and collapsed on the mattress. I wanted to take a nap, but I was too angry to sleep. I ended up staring holes into the wall while I steamed with indignation. Not the healthiest way to process how I was feeling, but that had never been a strength of mine.

Finally, the bedroom door cracked open, and Jack slipped in.

His burly frame and bearded jaw were diametrically opposed to Michael’s boyish face and physique. Jack climbed into the bed and put an arm around me.

“Violet’s napping. Want to talk?”

“I don’t know.”

“She still doesn’t like me?”

“She suggested her new roommate Michael as a romantic partner for me.”

“The lawyer?”

“Yeah. He came and talked to my mom like they were a pair of teenage girls. And he’s obsessed with fucking radishes.”

My eyes were blurring with frustrated tears, but I choked on a laugh at the absurdity of it all. The resultant sound was a pitiful spluttering of saltwater.

Jack pulled me against his body.

“I’m sorry our visit didn’t go how you planned.”

I eased into the outline of his frame, soaking up his warmth.

“It’s fine. I guess now I don’t have to feel guilty about avoiding her. I gave her a chance, and she showed that she hasn’t changed.”

He was lying behind me, but I could feel his body move as he nodded in agreement.

“That was brave of you to drive out there to try to reconnect. I know you weren’t thrilled about the idea.”

“Yeah.”

I breathed in my husband’s earthy musk and clasped one of my hands into his – a formerly calloused palm that had softened with the tenderness of folded diapers and drives to school.

I knew I’d made the right choice.

We made love before Violet awoke from her nap.

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