Bzzt…
Bzzzzt…
Tap Tap
“Hm, this won’t do.”
“Maybe I’ll just…”
SMASH!
…..
[June 15th—2004—]
“Ah! Now it works.”
[—Solen’s Age: 15]
[https://i.ibb.co/YfjXxxF/2004.jpg]
[He is in his last year of high school, about to graduate. The last two years have been quite tough for him because he was bullied. He luckily would be transferred to another class and made 2 new “school friends”.]
“Eh, I do wish they were real friends.”
[Sadly, however, he was also placed in the same class his bullies’ friends were in. So, his bullying never stopped.]
“Yep! And guess what I did!”
[Solen, when that big guy that was twice as tall and twice as big as you beat the shit out of you out of nowhere, you were being filmed, right?]
“Aha!”
[His name was Jack, right?]
“Indeed, he was, Jack…”
[You really are sad, aren’t you? Wanting to become friends with the same guy that was cracking up, filming you while you were being choked, gasping for air, as a cluster of people surrounded you, spectating the attack.]
“Even the girls, man!”
[Even the fucking girls… and did you not have this huge crush on that one girl?]
“Mhm! She always smelled so nice, man. I always wished to have a girlfriend, but you already know that.”
[Yes, but Solen would be born sooner in your life, so you eventually got your own girlfriend, right?]
“Hell yeah! It took me more than three years, but I finally got my own girlfriend!”
[Do you get intimate with her?]
“Of course I do! We do it a lot, like, a lot! She-“
[Okay, okay, enough. Keep those details to yourself. Moving on…]
[https://i.ibb.co/fdPXSX1/2005.jpg]
[He graduated from high school, lost all of his friends, and enrolled in college as a fat, depressed kid, who started going through his “emo-phase”.]
“Damn, what happened with the intricate details here, man? You went straight at it!”
[Your life during this time was as boring and unnoticeable as non-existent memories people suddenly remember upon the face of death. You were a complete nobody, Solen.]
“Ah, I guess you are tr- wait, hold on a second!”
[What?]
“I tried to kill myself during this time, didn’t I?”
[No, that is yet to come. During this time, you started cutting yourself. You buffoon.]
“Heeh?!”
[Anyway, yes, you did regularly cut yourself. You eventually told your mother and were sent to a “protection service” institute. However, you were only sent there because of your high number of absences. These people just thought it’d be best to tuck you in between the “problem kids”. Besides, you really gave your mother a good fucking cry, man.]
“Yep. Anyway, wasn’t even that bad of an experience. That chick who served me was hot.”
[I agree, she was very hot. But she had a boyfriend, so what the hell were you even hoping about?]
“Hehe, not hoping, just being glad I finally get to see her each Friday. She got such juicy, full lips, and would stare at my sunken eyes. Was she into fat guys or something? Her boyfriend must have been fat. Why would she look at me so much? It turns me on even thinking about it now.”
[Perhaps she was into fat guys, we may never know.]
[Moving on…]
[https://i.ibb.co/zhkfrfJ/2006.jpg]
[Now here is when you truly became “edgy”. Sorry, but what the fuck were you wearing?]
“Come on! Rings are fabulous…”
[Uhm, yes, but you’re not supposed to be looking like some fucking knuckle-dragger. That shit looked so horrible, man.]
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“Yeah, I’m just an ugly dude who’s trying to look better. I have my ways, you know…”
[Indeed. Here is where your “Envy” started. You were totally in love with metal music and began dressing very gothic-like. Black hoodies, black jeans, black shoes, you even painted your nails black a few times, and of course, the horrendous rings…]
[… you also began to join online communities and started to cultivate relationships with online strangers. You even exchanged pictures of your cut arms with them and would begin listening to some of that extreme metal sub-genres. So much so to the point that it may have altered your mind, somehow… you somehow became even more depressed, and you were still alone, with no friends, no bigger brother, no girlfriend, it was just you, and whenever you took the bus to head to school, those, aside from going to the grocery store were the only times you ever went outside, you always had a small dose of euphoria whenever girls looked at you.]
“Because of my style! I was ugly, but at least I looked good?”
[At least this year wasn’t as destitute for you. You only talked with online friends, but at least you talked with them, right?]
“Indeed!”
[https://i.ibb.co/cbf7m7Z/2007.png]
[And at last, Solen was finally born…]
“My redemption arc!”
[And Solen became Solen’s best friend, big brother, his own girlfriend, and ultimately, his own demon.]
[Solen is at this point 18 years old and starts to take more care of himself...]
“Buuut?”
[…but he does this, to impress girls.]
“My confidence started to grow now that I had my own girlfriend. Can’t blame me, you know?”
[You began to starve yourself and drastically lost weight. It still baffles me how much you changed in just one year, you’re nothing more than a stick.]
“Most ladies like them skinny, right?”
[This is when you started to envy these attractive-looking boys you’d look up on the internet. You couldn’t get enough dreaming about girls falling over your skinny aesthetic, while that is not always the case.]
“Heh…”
[You believed that being skinny equals getting laid. You starved yourself, overly exercised, and never ate past 6 PM, only to realize that they still find you ugly!]
“No, no… wait, they still looked at me. Girls were looking at me so often! And I began to change my clothing style!”
[More like “copying” these skater boys’ clothing styles. Spending your study financing money on some cheap, off-brand clothes and jewelry. Perhaps people did start thinking you were dressing quite nicely, after all. Sadly, your life would only be even more miserable as if this was not bad enough… you actually decided to bring an end to your own life.]
“That is true. I can remember it as clear as daylight. I had a fight with my mom and got thrown out of the house. I then made my way toward the nearby forest after grabbing a rope from the back shed, and tried hanging myself.”
[I still wonder how you survived.]
I tied it too loosely, and the swinging of my feet caused me to fall on the ground. I'm not sure how long I was unconscious, but when I woke back up, I walked back home and the police met me.
[You should’ve seen your own face at that moment. Covered in leaves, haha!]
“I hate looking at myself. You know that already. Don’t act dumb, Solen!”
[Anyway, you were so desperate for love as well. Finally, acknowledging your loneliness. Remember when you worked at that fast food company?]
“…..”
“Go on.”
[There was this foreigner chick, total 10/10 right, her name as beautiful as her cheerful, and innocent face, Lorena, and she did exactly what you said; look at you in the eyes, and smile. You somehow even managed to exchange a few words with her, and she would always just smile at you.]
“Aaah, and whenever she would walk past me, her chest would glide against my shoulders, or she would accidentally bump into me. That always gave me a turn-on, to be honest. And we would talk often with each other, and I got to know her a little more, I guess.”
[Yes, and after that workday, what happened?]
“I came back home late at night, and I jumped into my bed smiling from ear to ear, wiggling my feet, feeling apprehensive of the next day to see her beautiful smile again. I felt… as if she might actually want to have a relationship with me.”
“But the next day, as I was taking a break with some of my colleagues, one guy came walking in, and he said, Hey, guess what Marky told me this morning.”
“What?” the others would ask him, me just sitting in silence.
“He said I completely covered Lorena’s face last night, bro.”
[And everyone in that room, including you, chuckled like maniacs. Your hopes and dreams completely shattered.]
“I guess that kinda hurt.”
[It really did, but the saddest thing was, for the remainder of your time working there, you acted just the same with her!]
“It's because she actually smiled at me. I... enjoyed that feeling.”
[Sigh]
[Moving on!]
[https://i.ibb.co/y5mdZzn/2008.jpg]
[Most people would expect a 19-year-old guy to be living in his own apartment alongside his girlfriend, whom he brings to college in his small but durable car, after a night of some good sex, afterward going to your own classes where you’re met with the faces of your best friends, always having a good time with them, no matter what day of the week it was.]
[But no, that is not Solen. He is now 19 years old, and pretty much lives the same depressive life as always. But he is not alone, because Solen, his only friend, exists.]
.....
[Sometimes, he hears his mother’s and sibling’s cries and screams, but they do not pass through him.]
[Why?]
[Because they did not believe his feelings.]
…..
Good morning, to me, Solen.
I had slept for… close to seven hours. I guess I am still safe.
I slowly opened my eyes, covered in my stained, smelly blanket. I was lying on a bed sheet that had never been washed. The same goes for the blanket, and for what once was a soft, cushy, white as-snow pillow, now a stained, damaged, smelly grey pillow, that did not feel soft anymore. Anyone else’s neck would hurt after sleeping on it once. Despite this, I have grown accustomed to it and it no longer causes me discomfort.
I turned my head to see my phone lying next to me, my dirty, messy room materializing before my eyes. After taking a deep breath, I began checking my phone, the same notifications as five days ago, nothing new.
I then checked the schedule for today’s school day. “Fuck,” I woke up at 10 AM, and missed my first two classes. “Man, I’ll be damned if this keeps ongoing…” I exclaimed, and without a second thought, I stepped out of my bed, and I accidentally kicked over a bottle filled with my urine, soiling the floor. “Fuck me, man!”
I grabbed my towel and rubbed the floor, cracking my window afterward. (I’ll just leave it like this for the rest of the day.)
I was in a rush, and hurriedly snatched my showering gel, as well as my face cleaner, and ran into the washing room. I did not take a whole shower, but rather only washed my armpits and cleansed my face with the face cleaner.
After helping myself, I dressed. This time, a pair of jeans, an oversized shirt, with a fancy-looking black jacket covering it, sided with some rings, and two necklaces. “Ah, can’t forget about the deodorant,” I murmured, spraying my armpits underneath my clothes.
After taking a few sips of water, I went my way toward the bus stop. It was quite cold this morning, my hands were feeling tight, and scrolling through my phone to avoid eye contact with the person standing next to me felt like a chore, my finger slowly gliding across the phone screen, continuously switching songs, for whatever reason. (The bus better not be full…) I hoped, but…
It was full.
I was forced to stand on the front side of the bus, and I could already feel the eyes lacing upon me from behind. I naturally tightened up my jaws, to at least look attractive from behind as I nervously stare at the cars riding in front of the bus, listening to my usual music.
(Okay… just a few more minutes, and I can finally get out of this shithole.)