I'm writing this because things started moving around my house and my wife didn't acknowledge it. It all started about a month ago; I couldn't find my cell phone anywhere one morning while I was getting ready for work. My wife called it and I heard that distinct Star Wars "Imperial March" ringtone coming from the bottom of my closet. I found the phone next to my work boots. Something dawned on me then. I don't own work boots. I work in an office. When I asked my wife about it, she insisted I'd had them for years.
A few days after the cell phone incident I found a pair of lawn gnomes sitting on my kitchen counter when I got up late one night for a drink of water. This puzzled me. I thought about waking my wife to ask her about these one-foot-tall interlopers but decided to take them out on the back patio and smash them with the meat tenderizer that hangs on the cabinet next to the sink. The gnomes were full of brightly wrapped candies from brands I didn't recognize. I ate one of the candies. It tasted like ashes. For the rest of the night, I lay next to my wife in bed, unable to sleep. My eyes were wide open when the alarm went off. Me and my wife set to making breakfast together and I noticed the gnomes' smashed remains were gone from the back patio. My wife never mentioned them.
When I asked her if she was the one that clogged the toilet with a toilet paper roll, she looked at me funny. When I found my laptop in the garage, she said I was being forgetful. When I asked her why our cat was hanging by its neck in the tree out back, she reminded me that we never owned a cat and besides, the thing hanging in the tree was a dog. I took the strangled animal out of the tree and buried it. The next day, when I was scanning the backyard for the poor animal's grave, it was gone. Nothing but plain level grass where the thick mound of dirt had been just the day before.
I didn't know what was happening, but I had the distinct impression my wife was lying to me.
I found a roll of floss wrapped around the ceiling fan blades in the den, the coffee pot was in the freezer, and all of my socks had been replaced with nearly identical ones. That last one actually made me rethink everything. I thought that maybe I was the one acting crazy, but I tell you right now that these new socks didn't feel right. They felt like they were pulling at the skin between my toes with every step. I threw the socks out and bought several new packs. The next morning, they were replaced again by whatever had been moving stuff around the house. I started wearing my shoes without socks. I try to wear flip flops when I can.
About a week ago I noticed that my wife's normally soft and playful brown eyes were now a startling blue. I started sleeping on the couch much to my wife's protests.
Four or five days ago I woke up with a distinct itch taking over my left wrist. In my sleepy stupor I scratched and scratched and then felt the warm thick feeling of blood on my fingertips. I jumped into a sitting position on the couch and studied my left hand. Along the circumference of my left wrist there was raised pinkish flesh and thread. Something had replaced my entire left hand while I was asleep. I rubbed alcohol and antibacterial ointment over the wound then wrapped my left hand in saran wrap and tape. I don't want it moving around without my permission. When I showed this to my wife she laughed and told me not to worry so much. I tried calling my parents several times that morning as they always had a way of calming me down whenever I would get worked up, but my phone told me that their number had been disconnected. When I dialed the police, they didn't pick up. When I called the emergency number there was nothing on the other end but when I really tried hard to listen, I swear I could hear a man crying faintly from somewhere far off.
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My wife's left and right eye were hazel and green, respectively. I noticed this when she pecked me on the cheek on her way to work.
Later that day I found a piñata sitting on the kitchen counter. I smashed the thing open and soil and grass and the carcass of a small animal fell out.
After cleaning up the mess in the kitchen I called out of work and looked desperately in the attic and the basement for anything suspicious. Someone had to be doing this to me. Well someone or something. I didn't care. I just wanted to find the thing that had been haunting me. Whether it be a gremlin or a homeless person playing some macabre prank on me. As long as I could find the source to all this madness, I could peg it and just know. Somehow, I thought that if I knew what was doing this, I would somehow feel better about it. I would have a direct and understandable antagonist.
Thoroughly moving old boxes and Christmas decorations out of the way, I finally went to the ground level of my house and sat at the kitchen table defeated but overall satisfied that no one else was in the house with me.
You know how it is when you sit and stare at a particular point for a while and your eyes go out of focus? Well that's what I did. I was staring at the tile lines that run straight up to the bottom of the fridge and underneath it when I saw him standing there. Looming and short and only for a brief moment, but I fucking saw him. Just out of the corner of my eye. He was standing next to the kitchen sink. I can't say for sure because the man there was little more than a vague silhouette, but I feel as though he was smiling; he wasn't outright grinning mind you, it felt like a knowing smile. Like he'd shown himself on purpose.
I spun and turned to look at the spot he'd been standing only moments before but there was nothing but open air there.
I left the house. My wife hasn't called me, and I've not returned since. I've been driving around aimlessly, muscling down gas station food and barely sleeping in roadside motels. Sometimes I can see him sitting in the passenger seat when my eyes are focused on the road.
I'm writing this from my car while parked at an overlook in upstate Pennsylvania. I can't tell you how difficult it is to type this out with one hand. Consider this a warning. I think I'm going to sleep heavy tonight. I don't know what else to do. He can replace the rest of me. Maybe I'll wake up whole.
If things turn up in places you don't remember putting them, be careful. If you feel as though someone is watching, you just out of your line of sight then it's already too late.