Dear Heather,

It's June again. 

I always believed in miracles, and so as it happened I believed in you. 

I did not yet know where you came from on that unsuspecting January night. I was just trying to survive another day. I was getting older and I did not know what to do with my life. My worries kept me up at night and my family kept insisting I got married or looked for work. Only two options when you are an adult huh? 

I wanted the sky to open up and swallow me whole, I didn't think the sky would actually open up and my life would never be the same again. 

                                                                                                ---- An Unexpected Visit ----

I'ma get your heart racing in my skin-tight jeans

Be your teenage dream tonight

Let you put your hands on me in my skin-tight jeans

Be your teenage dream tonight

(Tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight)

"Argh" I put a pillow on my ears to protect me from my fifteen year old self who thought lord-knows-what while setting that as an alarm. I never changed it since, just like I didn't change my ten year old scooter or my flip phone. 

I liked old things they held a bond with me, unlike people who grew distant with time. At least with things you have the power to cut ties at your comfort. 

My morning thoughts were dismal, I opened my eyes to the disappointing light of my reality.

 AGAIN 

I was getting tired of it, really. Every night I wished something would change, I would change, the world would change. The Gods would walk among us, an Alien invasion, a zombie attack, time travel something anything !!

  Nothing did. 

I would wake up to the sound of my teenage dreams shattered and go down to have breakfast with my absent father, absent from his seat at the dining table and my life and my mother trying and failing another trade in stock market while simultaneously telling me where breakfast is, putting on her lipstick and combing her hair. 

Hell even I wasn't that proficient and I am 23. 

I yawned and stretched my arms, I went out to the garden to look for my dog Ozymandias, Ozzy for short, but she wasn't around. I wondered if she went to shit by herself. She was five, bout time she learned how to walk herself and leave the adults to play video games and eat corn chips. 

"Maaaa! where's Ozzy?" I asked to my over indulgent mother who answered me back with a disgruntled "Hmm, in the fridge or the cabinet". 

Another trade lost then, huh. I thought. Well doesn't matter. She was always distracted when she was losing. 

I had a younger sister long long ago. She died in an accident. We never grew close enough for me to feel bad. I wondered if my mother had both her daughters perhaps she might be a different person or maybe a present and supportive husband. 

Perhaps I would be a different person if I had a sister, a responsible father... 

I did not give another thought to what could have been. I was tired and hungry. I could not do a proper job of destroying myself with the past without having food first. 

So I sat at the table, picked up an apple and started peeling. 

After I got fresh and couldn't breathe any longer inside my dingy little room. I packed up my bag and headed to the public library. If I stayed at home for too long, my mom starts complaining. I guessed that is what old people did. They would blame their children for everything and their phones. 

At least I was spared on the phone part. I did not had anyone to call to. People alluded me, such strange creatures they were. They were not real for me. It seemed sometimes as if I existed in this reality only partly and my other half was tethered to some unknown world just beyond my reach. 

'The weather is quite frosty, isn't it?' I thought to myself as I clung onto my scarf, the wind is exceptionally strong today. 

I turned my hazel green eyes towards the sky and saw the thunder clouds brewing, they seemed insidious, and wrong somehow. Their current not like a storm but a whirlpool as if plunging the world into it's core. It all seemed ominous. 

I had a knack for such things, I don't know. It is like a knowing of some kind. Premonition one would say. When my father walked out of the door and I looked at his retreating back from my window, I just knew it was the last time. 

and when my singular friend Jenna died from an accident when we were in fourth grade, I held her hand fast an evening before. I had this dreadful feeling, this sickening emotion I could not name. I hugged her and I just wouldn't let her leave. 

It caused quite a ruckus really, they had to snatch her from me and her mom had to come pick her up, I kept crying and did so until next morning with that unknown choking and nauseating feeling until my mom received a call and they told her about Jenna's accident and informing us about the funeral. 

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 My mom looked at me weird and told me what had happened but not exactly the way you would tell a child about their best friend's death. She told me in a confused manner torn between saying 'she went somewhere faraway I could not see her ' and saying 'her head was crushed under a heavy load truck'. 

I caught her meaning just fine. I did not cry after that conversation. The worst part is I was relieved because that feeling had stopped, it left me like old rotten air leaves the room once a decade fast door is unlocked. 

I hastened my steps to my destination breaking from my reveries, maybe I was just thinking too much and my period is around the corner. 

Jack greeted me when I entered the door. 

"Pretty windy out there eh?" he said with mischief playing in his light grey eyes, an easy going smile with two weeks old beard and chestnut brown hair. He was handsome, the kind of handsome you would find in coming of age movies with all cheeky smiles and a flirty air only if he wouldn't look at every other women with leery eyes. Perhaps I would then consider him human. 

He was the library clerk and always gave me his most vile smile, like he knew of my deepest secrets that I held close to my heart but I highly doubted that. Maybe he was just a serial killer looking for his next victim or a figment of my imagination and he didn't exist at all. Who knows both can be true.

He was there in the evening shifts. I though do not remember saying a word to him, like ever. 

I gave him a small nod and moved to my usual corner of the history section. History section was safe, unassuming people would even think of it normal of me to have an interest in history but that is not why I sat here between rows and rows of this era and that era. I had no such interest. I sat here because it made me feel unseen, invisible. I could pretend to be one among its many shelves and it was the most secluded of the sections in this library. 

I sat as one would sit in front the altar. I took out my finest ink pen and a fresh page and exhaled a deep breath as one would when they kneel in a prayer and so I did kneel and prayed. 

My dear Heather, it's your June again

My sweetheart, my reason to feel alive in this desolated land of the dead. I have discarded pages and pages for you over the years, and I write to you for yet another day. I wonder when you would reply to me. 

I know it is selfish of me to impose on you the way I do but I cannot help this heart and if I am anything my love I am tenacious I will not stop until you say No from your two lips and so my heart will reach out to you the way it always does leaving me helpless in its midst. 

My mum discovered one such letter under the bed that I forgot to burn, she thinks I am delusional. She thinks you are a boy and I am relentlessly after your heart and you have ignored my advances all this time. 

I laughed so loud at this, only if she knew. Only if she knew the passion I hold for you. The desire to burn this world to see you, to hold you. The years I have yearned for your love and the more years that I would yearn, for I know you have closed off your heart and I do not even know if you do possess one since you are so cruel my sweetness. 

My fate has been tied to yours and there is no way can I stay sane, it is of no consequence whether you accept me or not but I will stay and I will wait for you even if takes this cursed lifetime and a hundred more I do not care. I will stay and wait for you as I always have. 

I know of your power and I know of your sorrows. I hear your morbidly sad melody at night when you carve the skull of your foes to plant flowers in them. I do not understand you for I am but mortal. 

Mother was busy as usual, father is missing today as well. Did you know a part of me looks at the his chair every morning hoping it to be filled. The laughter of his eyes following my sleepy steps and then I would place my head in his lap and he would pet my head gently and I would feel his warmth. I would be five again and everything will go back as it used to be.

Why are we condemned to a life of yearning I wonder. Always seeking, seeking and seeking with a stretched hand and grasping at nothing. 

Do you yearn sometimes? If yes then for what? I have always craved for people I cannot have. It has always been the same for me, oh but you already know that do you not. You may even laugh at me for saying this. A fool like me wanting you, always under your feet but for me even that is a win. I would be so close to you then. 

Your sublime pale feet on my chest. I will get to be in your presence. You might see me as a vermin I know you will. For so many thousand have fallen at those feet and all it took was a snap of your fingers and all those lives were sacrificed at your altar. 

My mother has been pestering me to go look for jobs but I do not want to. I would if I knew where you lived. I would work and save and travel to the farthest corners of the world to come and find you but I do not know where you are and perhaps for this very purpose you have not told me. 

No my dear I am not a stalker just a helpless fool in love, a love which you do not return. I heard even God is more forthcoming for his believers, but it is not God that I seek to make love with, it is you. You beautiful devil, my immortal demon goddess. 

I will write to you again though I know you do not look forward to it but I wonder why do you still entertain my letters.

Until next time then,

Only Yours 

June.

'What a tsundere' I thought. I shouldn't think this way but I cannot help it. She never replies. I do not how she looks. All I have is this feeling and shadows in my dream. Instances forgotten quickly, too fast like quick sand for me to hold and render it's meaning. 

But oh I feel. Do you know drugs but oh no that is not enough, do you know the experience of a  single moment where you condense all the happiness you ever felt in your life, the feeling of being alive and now multiply it by a thousand. 

That is what I feel with her eyes on me. I can see no one but I do feel a gaze, a gaze so intense my insides feel like they are melting under its heat, like I would evaporate and nothing would be left of me. 

This is the secret I hold close to my heart. The secret of my unrequited love to my demon queen. I do not know when it started, the whispers in the shadows, the reflections on the opaque glass, the sound of a drop of water turned into something ethereal undecipherable. 

I do not know how I felt her but I did. I felt her looking, I even felt her when she was not looking,  in the moments of her need when she is alone and I have felt her power, so vast. I am not a cosmologist but if I were perhaps then I would have the unit to describe something so expansive in words.  

I looked up from my letter and the sky was dark. I packed up my things to leave and felt the deafening silence of the library. It was still 7 and it closed at 9. I wonder where every one went. 

I turned around to leave and half the place was swallowed in darkness, how could I have been so engrossed that I did not hear the lights turning off. 

I walked to the entrance corridor, everywhere was eerily empty. A book fell somewhere far left and I flinched hard. My soul almost left my body, I am easily sacred. I started off for the door, my footsteps ringing loud. I turned to look for the clerk, even he was absent. How weird, I turned on my flash and looked around, it appeared like everyone just ran off leaving their things where they were even cell phones. 

I felt the hair at nape of my neck stand straight and gooseflesh rise all over my body. A sudden feeling of wrongness gripped my heart and it felt impossible to breathe. I grasped for the door and suddenly a thunderbolt struck the moment I touched the doorknob. The darkness swallowed me whole.