Chapter 24

Banana Quest

October, the previous year

KC: First!

KC: Hahahaaaa! :)

IM: Greetings! And welcome to round 2 of our grand adventure!

EW: you mean banana quest

IM: We’re not calling it that

EW: we are though

EW: right kate?

KC: I think it sounds funny!

IM: It’s not supposed to be funny

EW: how is this not supposed to be funny this is going to be a train wreck just like last time

JW: Hey guys!

EW: what up jim

KC: hi Jim!

EW: i was just explaining to Isaac how this isnt going to work

JW: I think it might work. Last time was fun

IM: That’s the spirit, Jim!

IM: Episode 1 got off to a rough start due to assorted technical reasons.

EW: yeah thats one way of putting it

KC: Maybe someday we’ll have a friend who’s really good with computers and stuff!

IM: Yeah maybe. As you can see, we are using a new chat program

KC: CHIME is a fun name!

EW: is this really going to be better though

EW: because it looks pretty much the same

EW: why cant we use a video call again

IM: because kate *duhhh*

KC: ;)

IM: Which brings me to my latest theory

IM: Which is that Kate doesn’t actually exist

KC: :o

IM: She’s some kind of advanced rogue AI

IM: Probably escaped from a clandestine pseudo-government R&D laboratory in remote Swaziland

EW: sounds legit good sleuthing bro

EW: i knew something was up with her

KC: I actually know a super-advanced AI!

KC: but she is not me ;)

EW: anyway isaac this thing is already giving me a headache i cant tell whos typing what

EW: its all just black

EW: btw i see you creepin liz

EW: dont be shy

EE: Greetings, everyone. Lyra the Thief has returned.

JW: Hey, what if we all used different colors?

KC: Good idea Jim!

KC: I want blue!

JW: Okay, I’ll take green

KC: Haha!! This is fun!!!

KC: My words are so pretty!

EW: shouldnt we vote on this

KC: NO!

EW: i appeal to the GM

EW: please stop this

KC: >:(

IM: I’ll take purple

EW: damn it

EE: I believe this is an adequate, not to mention aesthetically appealing, solution to the problem at hand.

EE: I choose gold. The color of the leaves outside.

EE: And Lyra the Thief’s brocaded tunic.

EW: of course

KC: Come on Eric! You can’t stick with black!

EE: Yes. Join us, Sir Kartoffelstrasse.

EW: all right fine let me consult with my advisor

EW: hang on a sec

JW: Advisor?

IM: Forget him. Where were we?

KC: The caravan!

IM: Ah, yes. Thank you, Lady...

IM: uh, what was it?

KC: Lady Cynthia Wolfram VonQuinnius Schmidt IV!

EE: Who is essentially a D&D version of Steve Irwin, correct?

KC: Yeah but she doesn’t say “croikey!” and “how’s this?”

EE: And she does not possess rugged masculine appeal?

KC: Sadly, no

KC: BUT

KC: She has rugged FEMININE appeal

KC: ;)

EE: So, like your aunt then?

EE: Did I ever tell you, Kate, I thought your aunt was like Allan Quatermain, mysteriously transposed into the present day.

KC: I always thought she was like Professor Challenger!

IM: All right that’s enough of that, you guys stay in character!

KC: hee hee

EE: Oh, has the game already commenced, honorable Game Master?

‎

IM: I’m ready when you are.

EW: k im back

EW: my source tells me red is the best

EW: so here we go

EW: also my source says i should be a dragon

EW: can i be a dragon

IM: No! you’re already a half orc

EW: hang on

EW: my source says having a pet dragon would be okay then

IM: You’re level 1, you can’t have a pet dragon

EW: my source says the word dragon is in the title of the game

IM: Your source is Leah, and it’s actually not in the title because we’re playing Pathfinder, not D&D

EW: ahahaha

EW: my source just said ‘game master, more like LAME master’

KC: :D

EW: ahaha she actually said that

EW: im so proud

IM: Shut up dude, can we just play the game?

EW: what i thought we were

EW: this is the game isnt it

EW: we just bicker about unrelated topics and occasionally advance our fictional characters through a bullshit cliche plot

IM: It’s not cliché!

EW: dude we met in a tavern

IM: You think I don’t know the tavern trope?

EE: Really, guys?

EW: youre right you probably edited that thing on wikipedia

IM: I’m building it up now as traditional story in order to subvert expectations later!

KC: :D

KC: You guys are so cute when you argue!

EE: I believe Jim actually wants to play. He is waiting patiently.

EW: damn pulling the jim card? thats cold

EW: its straight up bananas is what it is

IM: Stop it with the bananas

JW: Well I also like all of us just talking together

JW: But the game is fun too! Remember how we fought the goblins last time and rescued that kid?

EW: we were there jim

JW: Yeah, exactly! That’s what made it fun

JW: Because it was us doing it

KC: Yeah!

IM: All right then let’s get going

IM: So you’re in the caravan

JW: How big is it again?

EE: I presume it is still evening?

IM: The storm still rumbles overhead

IM: A few dozen wagons

IM: and yes, evening

EW: you know this would be so much easier if we could like communicate verbally

EW: why cant we do that again

IM: Because Kate can’t

EE: Did we not just address this?

KC: I’m an AI ;)

KC: (but not really!)

EW: cant or wont

IM: It doesn’t matter! This is how we’re doing it

EW: kate are you like horribly disfigured or something

EE: Eric, remember when you requested I inform you whenever you are being an asshole?

EE: That is now.

EW: wow sorry

EE: Ignore him, Kate.

KC: :)

JW: Eric I don’t think Kate is disfigured

JW: or an AI

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EW: but like is she even a girl

EE: Oh my god, Eric!

EE: Apologies, Isaac.

EW: but for real its like schrodingers gender over here

KC: the Heisenberg Uncertainty Chromosome!

KC: ;D

JW: what?

IM: SO YOU”RE IN THE CARAVAN

EE: Yes.

EW: got it

KC: And we’ve got the kid?

IM: You got the kid

IM: He’s still whining

EW: that little shit

IM: Thraz Pennygreen approaches to congratulate you

IM: WDYD?

EW: wait who now?

KC: *Lady Cynthea performs a face palm*

KC: *elegantly*

Hours later…

JW: Okay, so I’m still suspicious of this guy and I roll Perception

IM: He seems legit.

JW: Hmm...

EE: Hmm.

EW: HHHHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

KC: Lady Cynthea asks him where he was during the bandit raid

KC: but not suspiciously!!

IM: “Reconnaissance,” says Disko Jin with a smile. He shows you a sealed envelope. Lyra, you recognize the seal. It is the seal of Zinixo!

KC: I knew it!

KC: I mean, Lady Cynthea knew it!

IM: also you see Disko Jin is wounded in several places

JW: I’m still a little confused about the backstories, but didn’t Zinixo die?

EE: Supposedly. He was murdered in broad daylight while carrying that book through the streets of Quennes. But the body disappeared. So...

KC: Suspicious!

EW: if theres no body hes still alive

EW: thats how this shit works

IM: No it isn’t!

IM: There’s no stakes if a character can just die and come back

KC: although I was looking at the rules and I think that totally happens a lot at higher levels

IM: Well, yeah, that’s true

EW: man we are just flying through this narrative

EW: still in the freaking caravan with these two bit carpetbagging cheapskates

EE: Well you’re not helping!

EW: ...shouts lyra?

EE: No, that was me.

EW: *lyra pontificates

EE: Shut up!

EW: *bellows the bloviating bandit

EE: Lyra the Thief ignores Sir Kartoffelstrasse and once more addresses Disko Jin. “And you, good sir? Not badly wounded, I trust?”

EW: youre such a mom

EW: *says my guy

IM: “I’ll be fine,” says Disko Jin.

EW: bananas

JW: I still have my sleep spell right?

IM: yeah

JW: Can I try putting Eric’s character to sleep?

EE: I am afraid that will not solve the problem. In fact, it may only aggravate it.

IM: Disko Jin hands you the letter and departs.

IM: WDYD?

JW: Actually I want to follow Disko. I still have questions

EW: we all do bro

IM: All right. Let’s stick with you for a minute, Jim. What do you ask him?

JW: Um. I want to see what he knows about the hexagon.

IM: The what?

JW: You know, the big hexagon on the floor, with the symbols on it.

EE: Is this a new part of your backstory, Jimothy?

EE: I mean, Max the Wizard?

JW: You know how we each have a hexagon? And we each have a triangle inside the hexagon?

IM: ?

EW: not following

JW: And there’s, like...doors? At the edges?

JW: um

JW: wait

EE: This would mark the first I have heard of such a development.

KC: Lady Cynthea thinks Jim is confusing his dreams with the plot of this story :o

JW: oh

JW: yeah probably

JW: sorry

EW: no worries

KC: Hey Jim did you see what the sixth symbol was?

JW: no, I don’t remember, sorry

KC: Just curious!

KC: *is what Lady Cynthea is

KC: hehe

EW: oh no

EW: kate you better not be bringing your batshit progenitation into this game

KC: @_@

EE: I believe you mean prognostication.

EW: *she said condescendingly

EE: This time, that is accurate.

EW: you know i kinda like your character she sounds fun

EE: Indeed?

EW: yeah so sir kartofflestreet approaches lyra the klepto all casual and is all like ‘yo you busy later?’

EE: Oh hell no.

EW: excellent! then lets get some potatoes/bananas or steal some shit

EW: *he says as he polishes his monocle with a flourish

IM: Can’t you at least try to do your dialogue in character

IM: And why the heck do you have a monocle when you’re a barbarian?

EW: ‘a most astute query old chap’ he says with a legit british accent ‘right on the ol knocker, that one!’ as he gestures with his ornate pipe, ‘i shall see to conducting myself more in a manner befitting my standing as an esteemed gentleman of the realm’

IM: Someone kill me

EW: (kate by the way this is how i imagine your aunt talking)

KC: :D

KC: Yeah that’s pretty much it ;)

IM: Okay I’m looking at your character sheet and I see you have a top hat, monocle, cane and opera cape.

EW: theres a powdered wig in there too

EW: plus bananas

IM: WHY?

IM: You’re a half-orc barbarian!

EW: bro dont worry about it

IM: Why is this just coming up now?

EW: what the monocle?

IM: YES

JW: I think you should let it happen Isaac

JW: It’s funny!

IM: I don’t want this to be that kind of story!

KC: Lady Cynthea approves of such attire!

IM: Fine, whatever, continue

IM: Are you actually wearing all of this?

EW: but of course!

EW: back to the matter at hand

EW: how bout it lyra the thief?

EE: How about what? Your outrageous vestments?

EW: lets initiate some awkward inter-party romance

KC: 8O

EE: ...

KC: ...?!

EW: its for the good of the narrative

EE: Fine. But only if we begin by burning the wig. Lyra does possess a sense of fashion.

EW: agreed

JW: Is Disko Jin still around?

IM: I guess

IM: Yes, he is.

IM: He is watching all of this transpire with horrified befuddlement

KC: hehe!

KC: It’s bananas!

IM: Yes! Everything is bananas!

IM: In fact, you thought it was a circus caravan? It’s actually a banana caravan!

IM: Your inventories are full of bananas! Because I said so!

EW: mine actually is though

IM: Disko Jin is actually a banana! Why not, because it wouldn’t make the slightest difference to the plot of this story, which no one seems to care about!

EW: uh oh. guys we broke the gm

EE: I care about the plot.

IM: Why did I think this was a good idea? I could have just written a story! At least in a story the characters act like the characters!

EE: Isaac, the whole point of a role-playing game is the participatory co-creation of a narrative by the players, who are also the characters. Its nature is fundamentally different from that of a written story.

KC: I disagree! I think the whole point is to have fun!

EE: And that.

JW: Isaac, didn’t you say that in this game you’re winning if you’re having fun? Like there’s no, um, ultimate goal or anything, beyond the experience.

IM: But no one’s taking it seriously!

IM: Except Liz

EE: Thank you.

IM: It’s just...

IM: don’t you say it Eric

EW: bananas?

EW: damn I hit enter just as you said that

EW: caught red texted

EW: like an amateur

IM: I give up.

JW: Don’t give up Isaac

JW: Maybe you just need to change your expectations

JW: I don’t think this will be the kind of story you want it to be

KC: Max the wizard is right! We’re still having fun right?

EW: yeah i was wrong earlier

EW: i mean i was right about it being a train wreck but it still is like your best idea ever

EW: fuckin copacetic

IM: Wow thanks

IM: ^sarcasm

KC: Isaac I’m sure you came up with a cool story! But since you already know how you want it to go, maybe you should just write it and then let us read it?

EW: yo shes right and then we can just goof around in banana quest

EE: I would rather do the story. But I see that is unlikely to happen.

EE: In any case, Sir Gesualdo, I believe we have a date?

JW: Let’s keep going, Isaac

JW: Please?

IM: All right.

IM: But I’m doing this for Jim, not the rest of you ungrateful galoots.

IM: Also Liz.

EE: Thank you.

IM: So it is now late evening in the caravan.

IM: Everyone roll perception

EW: oh shit