PART ONE

The King of Dwarves

Valhalla, the Gods await me,

Open wide Thy gates, embrace me,

Great hall of the battle slain

With swords in hand!

Manowar, Gates of Valhalla

PROLOGUE

"YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY THINK all those things exist, surely?"

She smiles — not a grin but a small smile, just baring her little white teeth as if she's about to sink them into you. Her eyes glisten; her fingers clench the stem of her wine glass.

She loves to argue. Not because she wants to get to the truth but out of sheer stubbornness: she hates to admit defeat. I bet she feels aroused at moments like these.

I take a theatrical pause, pretending her question has caught me unprepared. The black curtain embossed with a runic pattern quivers in the little current of air from the aircon. The silence is absolute. The closed windows don't let through the groaning of cars stuck in the traffic jams. The candles flicker like wolves' eyes in the dimmed light.

You might mistake my room for a hunter's abode. Wherever you look, its walls are lined with the twisted horns of wild ox and deer skulls bleached with time. The dinner table rests on a bear hide of a deliberately crude tanning. A boulder I brought from the Norwegian marshes sits at the center of the room. It's a gorgeous item: a monolith chunk of granite.

"Absolutely," I reply calmly. "I don't doubt it for one single moment."

She sips red wine from her glass. Her cheeks begin to glow. She's about to launch an offensive.

"Very well... I agree, to a point," she says. "Let's presume that our planet was formed in place of the primordial chasm of Ginnungagap that used to divide the two realms of ice and fire. For millennia the two kingdoms drifted toward each other until they finally united, producing the athletic giant Ymir and Audumbla the cow. Personally, I tend not to agree with what was supposed to happen next but... I might just suspend my disbelief that much. The first man and woman emerged from Ymir's sweat while his two legs copulated with each other, giving birth to a son, which was how the ice giants were born into the Earth's stormy night. I'm not laughing at you, oh no. If our historians still argue over the intricacies of the Great Battle, who would take it upon themselves to claim the knowledge of what happened a million years ago? How did humanity come about? Did it emerge from the ocean, drop from the sky or crawl out of underground tunnels? All this is guesswork."

She sets her glass down. Flirtatiously she rearranges a feathery strand of hair. She casts a quick glance around the room — apparently in search of a mirror — but predictably finds none. Well, tough luck, lady.

"But as for the rest... you'll excuse me if I interrogate you extensively," she continues. "Let's examine it all in every detail. So, high in the sky we have the hovering Asgard, the heavenly dwelling of the gods, which is perfectly normal. All cultures place their gods up high. The Christians billet their God among the clouds; the Greek gods used to dwell on top of Mount Olympus, and the Hinduist God Shani actually impersonates the planet of Saturn, or all places. Deities are obliged to live in cloudland: if they dwelled amongst us, they'd lose their wits within a week. Now let's make an effort and imagine one of Asgard's buildings — namely, Valhalla. Odin's banquet hall, a place of unending orgies of bingeing and lovemaking. There, dead soldiers gorge nightly on the meat of Sæhrímnir the boar and drink themselves senseless on the mead produced by the udder of Heiðrún the goat. And once they've eaten, the dead enjoy the services of beautiful maidens. Five hundred and forty doors — and a roof thatched with gold shields supported by a colonnade of spears. You have to agree that an unwashed medieval Viking warrior must have taken this idea of heaven quite for granted in the wilds of their fiords. But what about us? Us, living in our cynical age of e-funks and the world wide Shogunet network? Us who can't watch television without our 3D goggles? We can't even shift our backsides without being assisted by a machine! The office rat responsible for the invention of remote controls must have made a fortune! Do you still think that the Vikings' heaven is any good for the men of today? Well, I don't. You, just you personally — do you believe in Valhalla?"

I reach for a slice of pork and chew on it, slowly and neatly. The wheat beer in a misted glass cheers my eye; I watch it weep. I don't drink wine. I don't consider it patriotic. She? Well, she... she can do whatever she wants. It's all peanuts compared to what she's already done.

"I'd rather believe in Valhalla than in the Biblical heaven," I answer in a syrupy voice just when she's about to lose her patience. "It's much better organized. Every person in the Reichskommissariat, from babies to old women, has a military rank. This is perfectly logical, considering that only an Einherjar can enter Valhalla: a warrior who has died in combat, sword still in hand. Admittedly these rules can sometime have the funniest consequences. Even bus conductors are considered a military unit and have their own system of ranks. A bakery manager receives the rank of a Subaltern Baked of Products and wears special black collar insignia shaped as ears of wheat. Even gynecologists have been made into a Sonderkommando unit complete with a coat of arms depicting a naked Valkyrie revealing her heart in her hands."

"This is something I could never understand," she interrupts me. "Why heart?"

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"What else should she reveal?" I reply meekly.

She turns red, pretending to play with her wine.

"Everyone wants to go to heaven. This is a prerequisite for our existence," I press the napkin to my lips. "Behave, and you'll be rewarded. Valhalla makes it so much simpler. No need to fast and pray. All you need to do is kill and die in battle. This isn't just what the Vikings think. Muslims believe this too. Or are you uncomfortable about Heiðrún the goat? She doesn't need to be there after all. I'm quite prepared to allow the existence of a modified version of Valhalla. In this day and age it can be refurbished and turned into anything. Even a sushi bar."

She empties her glass in one gulp. The twinkle in her eyes expires. "In any case, the Führer isn't in Valhalla!" she enunciates. "If he's anywhere, then he's in hell!"

Unhurriedly I dunk the meat into sweet mustard and drag it around my plate. "Our whole life is hell," I explain with a polite smile. "And the only way to escape it is by dying. If our priests are to be believed, the Führer is busy enjoying Sæhrímnir steaks even as we speak. I know, I know. He didn't die sword in hand. But what difference does it make? At the moment, the Führer is a trademark, not the nation's leader. His pictures on mobile phones, lighters and condoms — all this is a marketing ploy. No one's going to sacrifice their lives for him these days. They might do so if the price is right, provided it's in yen. Or even Reichsmarks. Alas! All these office rats are unlikely to ever see Valhalla."

I give the wurstsalat its due: the good old combination of sausages, potatoes and a dash of mayonnaise. I increasingly get the impression that there's something perverse about our dinner — indecent even. Still I like it. And so, I believe, does she. The Führer? It's not so simple, either. Even the wisest of our priests admit it, those who were interned in Norwegian caves.

The Führer died on October 20 1942 during a parade at the Nibelung Square celebrating the first anniversary of his armies' victorious entry into the capital of Russland. A lone terrorist driving a truckful of explosives smashed it into the stands by the walls of the Kremlin. Instead of a sword, the Führer was holding a small stack of paper as he delivered one of his fiery speeches. Within a split second, the entire upper echelon of the Third Reich disintegrated in the blast. There wasn't as much as a single molecule left of them. The Führer took a fast train to Valhalla in the company of Himmler, Bormann, Muller, Goebbels and Goering.

I remember a little blond guy in the Higher Theological College ask simple-heartedly, "Do office workers like Reichsleiter Bormann go to Valhalla too?" They kicked the kid out of school on the spot. From what I heard, he became a street sausage vendor.

"Had I not believed in Valhalla, I'd have never become Odin's priest," I continue, looking her in the eye. "Spirituality is unpopular there days. It's easier to put the Führer's portraits on lighters — Japanese tourists buy them like they're going out of style. Or get a job at the Institute for the Research of Aryan Origins, that's something quite popular with girls your age. You spend five years as a hermit at the Mount Kailash archeological digs in Tibet searching for the first Aryan sites. Barley cakes, yak butter tea and tons of enlightment. But personally, I wholeheartedly believe in Viking rituals — and not just because they make part of the Reich's official religion. Go see Trondheim, it's no less impressive than Jerusalem. The goat is nothing, after all. Not when you think of all Christianity's goofs."

She doesn't say anything. She doesn't even look my way. She must have taken offence. How are you supposed to talk about anything with the Schwarzkopfs? They're not open to discussion. The moment you say something that contradicts their point of view, they sulk and pout their lips.

The girl reaches for the remote she's so passionately condemned just a moment ago and thoughtlessly clicks the TV on.

A commercial break. Whenever you switch it on, it's always advertisements.

"Want to be sure you're part of the master race?" a juicy kimono-clad blonde inquires from the screen. "Our Sony computers know if you're an Aryan. They require a DNA sample to boot up. Our Sakura Operating System is now available in Russisch. Konnichiwa!"

Unfortunately, the only two things the Reich is good at making are sausages and missiles. All the rest is made in Japan. White goods, brown goods, fountain pens even. The Nippon koku is so popular that every Fräulein[i] worth her salt has already had an eyelid job done to give her gaze an Asian slant.

Japanese food is everywhere. You get served wasabi even with your beer and sausages. Outdoor advertising has more fancy Japanese characters than normal Gothic letters.

Slowly and smoothly, the Reich is being devoured by the Teikoku — the Empire. I wouldn't be surprised if one day we began addressing the Führer as the Mikado!

I sense it's time to break the silence. "You need some rest. Allow me to accompany you."

She lays the napkin on the table.

We head for the bedroom. A black color scheme. The wallpaper pattern is that of crossed battleaxes. The interior designer sought inspiration in Viking caves. Well, admittedly he succeeded. I can even sense a whiff of dampness in the air — but most likely, I have the aircon to thank for that.

This room too is devoid of mirrors. As is my entire place. I have an aversion to the wretched things.

The girl doesn't like it here, I know. The Schwarzkopfs don't appreciate living in style. Well, I'm sorry. She has no choice.

I tactfully turn away from the king-size bed while she removes her dress and dons pajamas. I'm sure she wants me to turn round; but I can control myself.

"Good night," she whispers listlessly and slides under the quilt.

"Sleep tight," I say as I cuff her wrist to the headrest.

She doesn't react. Her eyelashes are lowered.

"You need to understand," I heave a sad sigh. "This is for your own good."

Quietly I close the door, lock it and place the key in my pocket. A camera eye glows in the room. I may not be there but I can see everything my prisoner is up to. I'm not talking about masturbation. Whenever this happens, I switch off the monitor — you can't even imagine what a woman can do with only one free hand — and listen to her groans in the speakers. Sometimes I get the impression that she does it not so much for her own pleasure but in order to seduce me. Which woman would refuse to spend a night with a priest — even a pagan priest? At first, when her two shoulder wounds were still raw, the girl tried to free herself but only managed to scrape her handcuffed wrist. Now she's okay but still I shouldn't be too lax. She's wrapped herself in the quilt — asleep, hopefully.

Excellent. I have terrible vertigo.

It takes me a quarter of an hour to heat up the Norse boulder with red-hot embers. It's so hot I feel like a kitchen cook. I reach for the knife. Its steel is cool against my skin. I ran it across the flat of my hand. Blood drips onto the granite, sizzling and bubbling, streaking the runes brown. My nostrils quiver, taking in the pungent smell of a slaughterhouse.

Pain enters my head. My skin prickles with electric discharges. My eyes fill with white flashes. I can see something but I can't quite make out what it is. Just some spine-chilling outlines.

It's all right. I have these fits sometimes. It'll be over in a couple of minutes.

[i] Fräulein: young lady (German)