Darian & Arias vs. Valentine's Day (ft. Chaos and Horrible Plans)
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Arias, in his infinite wisdom—or lack thereof—decided that this year, he would force Darian to experience the joy of Valentine’s Day.
“You need to get out there,” Arias had declared, with all the enthusiasm of someone who had never considered the consequences of his actions. “You spend too much time brooding. It’s time you experience romance!”
Darian, ever the skeptic, responded with a flat, unimpressed stare. "No."
“Yes."
“No."
“Yes."
And so, against his better judgment, Darian found himself roped into a Valentine’s Day disaster waiting to happen.
As Arias prattled on about "the magic of romance," Darian could already feel the impending headache forming. He had no desire to be part of whatever ridiculous scheme his brother had concocted, but experience had taught him that resistance was often futile. The last time he had refused Arias' invitation to a social event, he had been ambushed with a surprise party that somehow involved a live peacock. He wasn’t about to take that risk again.
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THE DOUBLE DATE WITH NO ACTUAL DATES
Arias had planned an extravagant evening, which quickly went off the rails the moment they realized they had no dates.
“Wait,” Darian deadpanned as they arrived at a fancy restaurant. “You didn’t actually plan for dates?”
Arias waved a dismissive hand. “Details. We’re charming. We’ll figure it out.”
They did not figure it out.
Instead, they accidentally crashed a wedding reception, somehow blending in so well that no one questioned why they were there. Arias was mistaken for a long-lost cousin, while Darian was immediately targeted by the bride’s great aunt, who was convinced he was a lost heir to their family fortune.
By the time they realized their mistake, they were too deep to leave without making it awkward. Every attempt to quietly slip away was thwarted—first by the overenthusiastic DJ dedicating a song to 'the mysterious cousins,' then by a sudden bouquet toss that Arias somehow ended up catching. Darian, trying to avoid further entanglement, attempted to disappear into the shadows—only to be mistaken for the groom’s estranged brother and pulled into an emotional reconciliation speech. At that point, there was no escape.
Rather than correct the assumption, Arias leaned in, embracing the chaos. He made an impromptu toast about "family bonds" and somehow got the entire room to cheer for him. Darian, on the other hand, was trapped in a slow dance with a very insistent elderly guest, who spent the entire time telling him about her late husband’s war stories.
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DARIAN VS. ROMANTIC EXPECTATIONS
Darian had made one simple rule for the evening: No roses. No confessions. No ridiculous gestures. Years of watching grand, over-the-top romantic displays had given him an acute distaste for anything remotely sentimental. The idea of forced intimacy, exaggerated declarations of love, and the expectation to participate in a day dictated by social convention made his skin crawl. He’d rather face a dragon than an earnest, well-meaning romantic gesture.
Naturally, Arias ignored all of these.
Somewhere between the wedding cake and an impromptu karaoke session, Arias had set up an entire romantic speech competition—which Darian refused to participate in.
“Come on! Just one!” Arias goaded.
Darian, arms crossed, responded, “I would rather be cursed.”
Which, of course, immediately happened.
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THE CURSE OF INFINITE LOVE
Somewhere in the night’s chaos, Arias got hit with a curse that made him fall in love with everyone he saw until midnight.
It started small. A few lingering glances at strangers. Overly enthusiastic compliments to the bartender. Then it escalated—proposing to the wedding DJ, swearing eternal devotion to a waiter, and attempting to serenade an elderly couple with a violin he did not know how to play.
Darian spent the next two hours dragging him away from bad decisions.
“ARIAS, STOP FLIRTING WITH THE STATUE.”
“It’s got such a strong jawline!”
At some point, Arias attempted to adopt a stray cat, claiming it was "the love of his life." The cat promptly attacked him and fled, proving that some things were immune to his curse.
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THE AFTERMATH
By the time the curse lifted, Arias was embarrassed but proud.
“Well, we didn’t get any dates,” he admitted as they left the wedding, “but look at all the love I spread!”
Darian, exhausted, was about to make a sarcastic remark—until one of the wedding guests slipped him a napkin with their number on it.
Arias grinned. “SEE? You’re welcome.”
Darian sighed. Hard.
Darian vs. The Annual Tournament of Champions
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Darian had never planned on competing in the Tournament of Champions.
It was an ancient, supernatural tradition where deities, mortals, and everything in between tested their might in combat. Darian had intended to ignore it.
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Then someone said, “You wouldn’t last five minutes.”
And that was all it took.
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THE RELUCTANT COMPETITOR
Darian entered the arena with the demeanor of someone who had already decided they wanted to leave. Unfortunately, the moment he stepped into the ring, the crowd roared his name.
His opponent? A demigod with far too much confidence and not enough sense.
“You’ll regret stepping into this ring with me,” the demigod sneered. “I am blessed by the heavens themselves.”
Darian raised a single eyebrow. “Cool.”
The match started.
It ended five seconds later.
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THE MOST UNDERWHELMING VICTORY IN TOURNAMENT HISTORY
The demigod charged. Darian sidestepped. Then, with all the enthusiasm of a man taking out the trash, he elbowed his opponent in the chest.
The demigod collapsed immediately.
Silence. The crowd didn’t even know how to react.
“…Did he just—?”
A referee hesitated before raising Darian’s hand in victory. The crowd remained eerily silent for a few seconds, as if their collective minds were struggling to process what had just happened. Then, a hesitant smattering of applause broke out, quickly escalating into a mix of confused cheers and murmured debates over whether or not Darian had just broken the entire tournament system.
Darian, unimpressed, dusted himself off and turned to leave—only to be informed he had advanced to the next round.
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CHAMPION OF THE GODS (AGAINST HIS WILL)
Despite his repeated attempts to forfeit, Darian kept winning.
* One opponent tripped and knocked themselves out.
* Another overestimated their strength and punched a wall instead.
* A third simply looked at Darian, sighed, and left.
Before he knew it, Darian had won the entire tournament.
A golden trophy was placed in his hands. The announcer declared him Champion of the Gods.
Darian immediately threw the trophy into a lake.
The tournament officials were horrified.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
Darian shrugged. “I don’t want it.”
Arias, watching from the sidelines, laughed until he cried.
Somewhere in the divine realm, Zepharion, the God of Combat and Honor, sighed in exasperation. He had personally endorsed the tournament, expecting grand displays of skill and valor. Instead, he had just watched a mortal win the title by accident. "This is why I hate mortals," he muttered, rubbing his temples as celestial advisors awkwardly avoided his gaze.
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THE INFINITE LINE OF CREDIT
The Contest of Champions had ended, leaving Darian and Arias with their usual spoils—glory, destruction, and at least one ruling body vowing never to invite them again. Their reputation was, of course, only enhanced by the infamous vault incident, where a simple 'withdrawal' led to an interdimensional chase, three plane-wide sanctions, and a very aggressive letter from the Celestial Banking Authority. But this time, their victory had earned them something unexpected: customized, limitless credit cards from a shadowy, interdimensional banking institution that had, for some reason, deemed them 'preferred clients.'
The letter arrived in a black envelope sealed with what looked suspiciously like void energy. Arias held it up, squinting.
"You ever hear of Oblivion Financial?"
Darian, lounging on their couch with a book on infernal tax law (purely for amusement), looked up. "No, but I assume they know exactly what they're doing if they’re giving us credit."
"Right? You’d think after the vault incident, people would’ve learned."
Arias ripped open the letter. Two glossy black credit cards, faintly shimmering with cosmic power, slid onto the table. Each bore a stylized emblem—one with Darian’s crest, the other, Arias’ personal sigil.
The accompanying letter read:
> Congratulations, Darian and Arias! You are now premier holders of the Oblivion Infinite Platinum Supreme Black Card—a financial artifact with no spending limits, unrestricted interdimensional purchases, and a rewards program beyond mortal comprehension. Enjoy the privileges of being our most valued clients!
> P.S.: Please refrain from destabilizing economies. Our legal team is already overworked.
The room fell silent.
Arias grinned first. “Oh, this is going to be a problem.”
DARIAN’S CARD: THE HELLFIRE SOVEREIGN EDITION
Darian examined his card with mild skepticism. It pulsed faintly in his hand, warm like a forge, as if acknowledging him. He turned it over, watching the way the surface shimmered, revealing runic inscriptions in Infernal that whispered financial secrets of the multiverse. He exhaled sharply. "This better not come with a soul-binding clause."
Features included:
* Infernal Blacksmith Rewards: Every purchase from an armorer, blacksmith, or weapons dealer granted bonus points redeemable for legendary gear.
* Hellfire Cashback: Purchases made in infernal realms earned 10% back in pure hellfire, transferrable into raw magical energy.
* Divine Dispute Protection: If a merchant refused to honor a purchase, the card automatically summoned a lesser devil to “negotiate.”
* Emergency War Fund Access: If Darian ever found himself in a situation requiring sudden military mobilization, the card could instantly fund a small army.
He tested it by flicking it toward the table. It landed and stood upright by itself, humming faintly with power.
Darian arched an eyebrow. “This thing is sentient.”
Arias’ eyes widened. “I need to know what mine does.”
ARIAS’ CARD: THE CHAOS OVERDRAFT EDITION
Arias’ card pulsed in a completely different way—erratic, like a heartbeat mid-laugh. When he turned it, it shimmered through multiple colors, sometimes flashing with images of dice, question marks, and explosions.
Features included:
* Wildcard Purchases: Every tenth purchase was free, but also randomized. You might get what you ordered—or something vaguely related.
* Reality Overdraft Protection: The card ignored economic fundamentals. If Arias wanted to buy something that technically didn’t exist, it would attempt to manifest it into reality.
* Lucky Draw Perks: If Arias ever found himself in dire straits, he could swipe the card for a random boon. Outcomes ranged from instant teleportation to an entire circus appearing to cause a distraction.
* 'Borrowed' Interest: Instead of paying interest, the card would temporarily shift the debt to a random entity in the multiverse.
Arias tapped it on the table, and the lights flickered. A sudden gust of wind rattled the windows, and somewhere in the distance, a goat screamed in what could only be described as existential horror.
“Yep, this is exactly my kind of financial irresponsibility.”
THE FIRST PURCHASES
Darian leaned back, rubbing his chin. “I should test this. Maybe commission a celestial-grade battle armor.”
Arias, already typing on his interdimensional shopping app, grinned. “I’m buying a planet.”
Darian sighed. “Arias.”
“Fine. I’ll start with a really big statue of me. Made of solid sapphire.”
The transactions went through instantly. Somewhere, an interdimensional financial analyst had a heart attack, staring in horror at a screen where economic models were collapsing, entire star systems were being reassigned as collateral, and a footnote casually declared, "Interest rate: Variable (subject to reality stability)."
THE FALLOUT
Three days later, they received a polite but urgent message from Oblivion Financial.
> Dear Mr. Darian and Mr. Arias,
>
> We appreciate your patronage. However, we kindly request that you refrain from:**
>
> * Attempting to purchase celestial weaponry en masse.
> * Materializing lost civilizations for ‘historical reenactments.’
> * Using the card to bribe eldritch entities for ‘favors.’
> * Altering universal exchange rates for personal amusement.
> * Buying entire planetary systems ‘just to see what happens.’
>
> Additionally, please note that your recent purchases have triggered multiple investigations by divine, infernal, and eldritch authorities. While we fully support your right to absurd financial power, we strongly recommend a minor reduction in economic chaos. Thank you for your cooperation.
Arias sipped his drink, scrolling through his latest acquisitions. His card gave a soft, ominous chime, and a new message popped up: Oblivion Financial has temporarily locked your account due to "excessive reality manipulation." Our support demons will contact you shortly. “So we should probably slow down?”
Darian considered the ramifications, then picked up his card and smirked. “Or… we just get more creative.”
Arias laughed. “I love the way you think.”
Somewhere in the cosmos, financial deities wept.
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