The 60s’, when a girl could smoke a cigarette at school… but not wear pants. That’s how Shanna remembered it anyway. What she remembered now specifically as she sat in a chair, in a circle, with the others. Shanna remembered her school and her friends, and the sweet menthol smell on the collars of the boys. In the present tubes of light flickered above and the bodies of flies were illuminated arithmetically. The voice of John Weathers giving life to their weekly gripe fest at Santa Clara's premier narcotics anonymous.
She tugged at the cuffs of her jacket. The cotton polyester blend crinkling and smoothing out under the ministration of her fingers. She uncrossed and recrossed her legs. She flared her nostrils at another story about John's second wife. He sounded the same as he always did, tired and beaten, the sweat of his brow racing for the Earth. He would stop to wipe it and pull off his horn rimmed glasses at least three more times before he was done. It was those glasses she really couldn’t stand.
It made her sick.
People spent years in therapy looking for the source of their madness. Unpacking boxes with a professional tut tutting away at the disorder of it all. If Shanna had had any luck in her life it was that she never had to waste all that time and money. Nothing repressed, no detail forgotten. She had a date, time and location neatly tucked away in a file cabinet that stretched down to infinity inside the ley lines of her mind. The memory burned into her psyche along with everything else she had ever experienced.
Most people called it a gift. Never having to worry about forgetting an appointment or answer for a test. They had no idea. The true never ending story of a lifetime worth of memories remaining as vivid as the moment the original event occurred. Her curse, bestowed upon her like a cruel joke by a god from one of those old stories her grandmother would tell at christmas.
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“What did I have to lose?” That was the question. Just like Hamlet, two peas in an existential pod. Bet he would have got in the back of the pick up too. But maybe not. Shanna only made it to Act 3.
“Thank god I’m in the back though.”
The sky was clear and the sun was at that point high in the sky where it was warm but with wind rushing alongside the flat brown landscape there was just a faint chill, all that combined with having to spit her hair 0ut every fifteen seconds, conversation was discouraged between her and Casey. Being trapped in the cab with Sarah and Teddy would’ve meant questions. Either questions about her which she did not want to answer, or she would be expected to ask them questions and remember their answers.
Sarah was a good friend, she wanted Shanna to get out and not mope at home about her problems. But sometimes trying to look on the bright side for too long hurts your eyes. Also Shanna knows that Sarah just doesn’t want to be alone with Teddy and Casey. Not that they’re bad guys, Sarah just needs the extra support in Teddy's little adventures. She wants to be one of the guys too much if you asked Shanna.
Shanna figured Teddy never noticed one way or another. He only saw what was right in front of him. If he didn't like what he was looking at he would just turn his head and search for a better option. Made him a pretty crappy student, and not a great boyfriend for Sarah either. But Sarah wasn’t much better either, they were all still playing at being grown up when it came to dating. For all her good qualities Sarah did not really understand boundaries. Like how when she found out about Shannas impressive memory all she did for a week was pepper her with questions and then ask for demonstrations.
Shanna, ironically enough, never thought much about her memory. When you have something from birth it never seems that impressive to you. Even if what you have is something that shows up in less than two percent of kids. And when she was younger Shanna actually enjoyed the attention for a while. Adults were always happy when she could repeat the text of an entire article after only seeing it for a few seconds. Or how she could remember and add the numbers on their check book in her head. However, after a few years of failing to meet expectations in other areas the adults' praise turned sour. There were a lot of talks of “squandering her potential”, Shanna just figured it meant she wasn’t impressive enough for them anymore. Now all she was good for was parlor tricks.
“As is your responsibility as a member of polite society.” That’s what her mother always said. But to be fair, a member of polite society probably would not have agreed to go with a friend, and some guys you kind of know to see a dead body in the woods.
“Youth in revolt.”
So there she sat. With her back to the cab. Head resting on the glass next to the stock of Teddy’s dad’s rifle. She didn't really want to be there. But she didn’t really want to be anywhere. So might as well be here. Avoiding eye contact with Casey sitting opposite her in the bed of the truck. Trying to look cool sitting on the lip of the trailer imagining he was Paul Newman. All Shanna imagined was his broken and twisted body after an unexpected pothole.
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“How much longer do you think?” Sarah asked, leaning out the passenger window. Teddy filled up the truck. Casey still sat in the trailer, playing with his lighter. Shanna walked back from the bathroom observing the modern renaissance tableau.
“Won’t be much more of a drive.” Teddy answered. “Walk will take a bit though. Don’t worry we’ll be there before sundown.”
“We better, I’m not interested in stumbling around the woods in the dark.”
On her way around the side of the truck Casey calls out to Shanna. “What took you so long, thought you got lost or fell in?”
“Suck my dick!” Shanna says.
“Christ, just making a joke, don’t lose your head too...”
“What is that supposed to mean!?” Shanna says, reaching up and pulling the handle on the trailer, yanking it out from under Casey. Who manages to jump down without much grace, but avoids skinning anything except his ego.
“What’s your problem bitch!?” Casey yells, righting himself.
“My problem is you!”
“Hey, leave my truck out of your shit!” Teddy shouts, punctuating it with a slam of the gas cap.
Shanna and Casey stood facing each other now.
“Shannnnaaa.” Sarah laments from her seat. A soothing coo, one of Sarah's specialties. “Ignore him, he’s too dense for word play.”
“After you madame,” Casey says, indicating the bed of the truck.
“Get bent,” Shanna responds, a week's worth of tension inside her, already fraying and snapping.
“What the hell are you kids doing?” The four of them all turned to look at the new voice. Suddenly they were not alone anymore. A group of people on a shared journey. Now they were kids being yelled at by an adult. Shanna turned, putting her back to Casey to see the man. He had come around the side of his van, his dog perking up at the commotion in the passenger seat. Shanna recognized the man after a moment, small town living means there’s no such thing as hiding in plain sight. Felix was a friend of the family. Her dad always wanted her to call him Uncle Felix, but that never felt right to Shanna.
“Shanna?! Didn’t realize it was you,” Felix said. “What’s all the commotion for?”
“It’s nothing, we were just joking.” Shanna answers. Casey was already climbing back in the truck. Felix looked over at her and the truck in kind, eyes wandering.
“I know I just got back, but I heard what happened. Damn shame going out like that.” Felix went on, scratching his dog, Cunninghams, head. An unconscious, almost reverent action on his part. Not something he meant to do, just a reflex. Felix wouldn’t know it almost made Shanna vomit right there.
“Yeah well. What are you gonna do?” Shanna asked.
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“I suppose. Well, listen I’m sure you’re fine doing whatever. But you can always talk….”
“We gotta get going,” Shanna cut in, turning. “Don’t want to lose the light on the trail.”
“Right well… don’t do anything I wouldn’t do I guess.”
Teddy drove away. No one wanted to talk now.
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People talk about not being able to see the forest for the trees. We get too caught up in the details and lose track of the wider situation. It makes sense to think about. Especially when you find yourself a little lost. As it turns out following directions you got second hand into wilderness unknown is not something taught in Boy Scouts. The truck came to rest at a fork. The four took turns looking one way and another. Teddy and Casey discussing which way the moss pointed. Eventually, with the sun getting lower in the sky, coming to the decision to go left.
Unknown to the group at the time, had they gone right, in about five minutes down that road a deer would have jumped out from the woods. Startling the driver who would swerve off the road temporarily and blow out two tires. Resulting in some whiplash and bruises and spiked adrenaline. It would also have brought the journey to end as they could have gone no deeper.
The woods are a beautiful place to visit, a nice break from the traditions of society in exchange for the traditions of nature. Some people hated the woods and the way trees stand sentinel far off in the distance. Hiding who knows what, sharing secrets between themselves. Things not meant for human ears. Maybe that’s why we left the woods and forests. We forgot how to listen to nature, and humans can’t stand silence. Never met a vacuum we didn’t want to fill.
Marching through the beaten trails the group yelled to one another and cracked jokes about the corpse they were searching for. Even Shanna could participate, if not whole heartedly at least with a measure of performance.
“How does Maynard even know there’s a body out here?” Teddy asks, looking back at Casey. The whole excursion was his idea from the start.
Teddy in the lead with the rifle slung over his back, eyes forward. Teddys an alright guy. He just likes to assume responsibility where often no one asks it of him. Casey and Sarah came up behind him.
“He said he was out hunting with his uncle when they found ‘em. Maynard thought they would call in to the police. But his uncle has a warrant for some unpaid tickets. So he said they’d call in a tip when they got back to town. Maynard doesn’t think he ever made the call though,” Casey said, elbowing Sarah a little bit. “Good news for us.”
“Why didn’t he call the police?” Sarah asked, smiling and jumping out of Casey's reach.
“Who knows, probably got drunk and forgot.” Casey said.
“So you’re saying he might have made the call and the police already came and got the body meaning we’re out here looking for nothing?” Shanna said, picking up the rear.
“Why do you always have to be such a downer?” Casey asks, turning and walking backwards.
“Maybe I just like to know what I’m walking into. Unlike some people,” Shanna says, arms folded.
“You mean me?” Casey asks before stumbling backwards over a branch.
“Maybe,” Shanna laughs.
“Can you quit making an ass out of yourself for one day Casey!?” Teddy calls out from the front. “We’re losing the trail, come on I think there’s a clearing up ahead.”
Trees cast long shadows over the ground and each other as the group moves forward, over an incline and into the clearing. Shanna from her position in the back of the group looks between the trunks, trying to find her path while her vision is obscured by a bending light that glares through leaves and warps unnaturally around the trunks. The light irritated the back of her eyes up into her brain.
As she and the rest of the party make their way into the clearing the unnatural stillness that is sometimes found in the wilderness settled into their bones. A chilling reminder that humans are in fact much closer to death than we ever like to acknowledge. The source of this inert feeling centered on a space about 4 feet off the ground. A space where there was a complete lack of substance, light, or mass. A couple feet in diameter that a person could just wrap their arms around it to touch their fingers.
“What is that?” Shanna asks. Knowing that neither her nor the others would have an answer. All she or any of them could say for sure was that when looking directly at the space their vision blurred and a small sharp pain could be felt directly above their left eye. Casey picks up a dead pinecone and tosses it as directly as his sight allowed. It passes into and out of the space landing with a thud on the ground on the other side.
“You are so stupid Casey,” Teddy says, stepping up to the other boy.
“What nothing happened,” Casey answers
“Seriously, you guys, I think we should leave,” Sarah says, taking their fates in her hand.
“That would probably be for the best, I must agree.”
The ground turns on a previously unseen figure coming around the other side of the vacuumous space. A man, well kept and smartly dressed in a gray suit, horn rimmed glasses framing his face into a box.
“Who are you!?” Casey who deals with his fear worst of the four.
“I am inconsequential as is my name, as are you four,” said the man, his voice had a nasal quality typical to authority figures. “However there is no reason to prevent you from leaving at this time. No one knows you are here except for myself. So I suggest you do just as your friend says.”
“What is that supposed to mean? And what the fuck is that?” Shanna asks, stepping forward. She was scared but she hated being pushed around by some adult in a suit just as much, or almost as much.
“Please, it is within all our best interests Shanna if you and your friends return to Teddys truck. There is no answer I can give that will satisfy you. You will have to settle for ignorance this time,” he answered.
A person's favorite word to hear is their own name. When someone is addressed directly by a loved one or respected peer the feeling can be of the sublime. But when used by a stranger in a situation of heightened stress and anxiety it can reveal a naked terror. It reveals to us a vulnerability in our conscious mind of being known without our permission, a violation. Maybe he hoped the fear would quell their rebellious spirit. It was a gamble that did not pay off.
Caseys response to this exposure was to rush directly for the man.
“Casey don’t!” Teddy commands, rifle half raised. Sarah screams.
For his part this figure of authority deals with the confrontation efficiently. Side stepping a thrown fist deftly redirecting Casey's momentum to the ground pinning him.
“I am sorry that this has happened,” The man says, placing his hand on the back of Casey’s head who struggles and thrashes until he does not. The man raises and turns his attention back on those still standing.
“What did you do to him!?” Teddy roars, rifle fully raised and cocked now. But upon setting the sites he finds the man no longer in his vision. Shannas heart beats in her ears as she spins searching for the man.
“Nothing you all won’t wake up from,” a nasally voice says behind her. Shanna feels a hand grab her elbow. Without turning she throws her elbow and tosses her head back to where she imagines the man's nose to be. A gasp and a satisfying crunch later she stumbles forward to the middle of the clearing turning.
“Teddy!” Shanna shouts watching the man advance forward.
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There was a shot and she fell backwards into nothing, and the next memory she had was opening her eyes on the ground. The sun had been replaced by the moon. But the piece of nothing still stood out. A silhouette of darkness outlined by the night sky. Looking around the clearing Shanna saw the figures of her three friends also on the ground. All breathing, and none required too much coaxing to revive.
“Shanna, is that you?” Sarah asked, coming back to herself.
“Yes, but be quiet. We’re leaving,” Shanna answered, moving on to the others. Picking up the dropped rifle as well.
It took some time to retrace their path in the darkness. The use of flashlights was discussed but decided against by the group. Fear of others finding them again still gripped their minds. Aside from the mosquitos no one bothered or approached the four. This time all of them piled into the cab and sat knees together.
At school the next week no one discussed what had happened. What they had seen. Eventually they hoped the memory would fade or be rewritten by time. Shanna knew she would not have that luxury. And they also knew. So perhaps subconsciously they avoided her the most. The boys and Sarah could not bear the reminder that simply was Shanna.
Shanna could not remember though.
She remembered the day, going with the group to the woods, and finding the clearing. The empty headache inducing space and the man. However after falling backwards there was a blackspot in her mind. Not like when you would sleep and not dream. In Shannas mind there was simply a spot now. A dark muddy spot between falling and looking up at the stars. What had occurred when her body made contact with that empty piece of nothing?
Most people when they could not remember something would attribute no more concern to it than anything else. But Shanna remembered everything since she was three years old up until that point. And she would continue to accumulate memories over the years. Memories that carried her well into adulthood and the coping that came with it. But still that spot remained. That one blemish on an otherwise perfect record. And whenever Shanna focused on that spot, prodded at the edges she was overwhelmed with the same nauseous headache inducing vision shifting feeling as when looking directly into the empty space.
And whenever Shanna would recall her memories from before that moment in time. Looking back on those memories never felt quite right. It was as though remembering something from a dream or a movie. She would see herself but it didn’t feel the same as the memories she made after that day. It was like remembering someone else's life.
It left a bad taste in her mouth. One that was increasingly difficult to wash out as she grew older. For there were two Shannas. The original and the new one. One from before passing through the unexplainable, and the one that came out. And to this day Shanna did not know which she was.