It had been a while since he saw her running away in tears. What had happened to make her so upset? Was it something he did? The only thing he could think of was texting her, but he knew she wasn’t the type to get made about something like that, wasn’t she? He has spent the past week or two reflecting, reflecting on how he felt and how much he truly knows about her. He knows her favorite color, Aqua, but that’s easy. He knows how much she loves thunderstorms, how she prefers to write her feelings out rather than talk about them, how she hates wearing glasses so if she didn’t have her contacts, she would rather go out blind. He even knew smaller details, like how she’d hold back her sneezes because she felt like she was bothering someone, the way she would burst out laughing at the cringiest things he’d show her, and how much she truly cared for her passion.
However, there are just some sides of a person they don’t want anyone to see, a side made up of faults, of self-hatred, and shame. Autumn was just like anyone else, so of course she would have a side she wanted to hide, and just like her, he did too. He may seem confident, charismatic, funny, and like he can do really anything, but he was faulted, he was not the nicest person, he believed he had an act to keep up or others would judge him for who he truly was, but the one judging him the worst, was himself.
“I don’t know why I thought I had a chance… I shouldn’t have said anything, I should’ve just let it blow over.” He said to himself in the darkness of his dorm room, his roommate was out so being in the dark and alone gave him some weird ability to vent out his own frustrations to himself, some may do this in the shower or under the covers, but here, this moment, this was Colton’s sanctuary, keeping in some of his harshest thoughts and self-hatred. “Did you think she’d say yes...you’re just so stupid…so…so…stupid,” he was on the verge of tears,” and you even made her cry?! What kind of person do you think you are, making her cry like that?!” He was angry with himself, he blamed himself for everything. The only thing he could do now is wait and see what happens, he was afraid to upset her again by texting her, so he decided it would be best if he left that alone.
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He laid down in a ball on his bed and threw the blanket on top of himself, and in the dark under the warmth of his blanket, he cried, harder than he ever has before. Was this heartbreak? He never really let the reality of the situation hit him full on, it was as if he were dodging thinking about it entirely. His chest hurt; his stomach was in knots. If heartbreak hurt this bad, he had no idea how a heart attack must feel.
After crying until his tears went dry, he sat up and decided something. This decision being one that could and would change his relationship with Autumn indefinitely. He didn’t want to give up, he loved her, he couldn’t just forget about that smile, that laugh, and that passion. He wanted to grab on and not let go, but he knew that was all just wishful thinking, he had to make a move, he needed to prove to her that he could be the guy of her dreams, someone worth standing by her side. In order to do this, he decided to work on his faults, to be kinder to others, and especially to himself, because if he can’t learn to like himself, why should he expect others to like him back. The first thing he wanted to work on however were his negative thoughts, the ones that stopped him from doing things, the ones that caused such an awful self-image in the first place.
He didn’t want to hurt anymore, and he surely didn’t want to hurt Autumn either. If he really had no chance with her, fine, but he didn’t want them to end their friendship on bad terms, and he was sure she felt the same. Now the question is, how do they go about doing that when neither of them want to text or approach the other? That, however, was an answer he would look for another day, but with a reinvigorated sense of self and energy, he grabbed his things and burst out the door, heading straight to the library to study. Putting his plans in motion to get better grades that will show he is just as smart as her.
The truth was, Autumn liked him just as he was, sure he was a little overzealous sometimes, but it was something that gave him a unique personality. She didn’t care about grades, looks, or even his critical self-doubt, all of that was what made him into the person she fell for. She knew it was selfish to wish that he stayed flawed, but she just couldn’t help it. The only problem was that Colton never knew that he suspected she wanted him to change, so that’s exactly what he started doing.