Being Nothing

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A gong rang and the cadets moved to occupy the neat rows of floor cushions like a practiced routine. There was ample space between each of them.

"Welcome." said a calm disembodied voice that echoed in the space. "Kindly, take a seat. We'll begin shortly."

Ever so slowly, the blue of the sky darkened, deepened and softened by the red and orange hue of the sunset. The light dimmed. A gentle breeze carrying faint hints of spice and flowers started to blow.

"Sit in a comfortable posture, one that you can hold. It is important that you don't move if possible. Close your eyes. Observe your breath. Kindly refrain from using other techniques in this session. You may discuss with me later, after we have established a foundation."

It got so quiet as the shuffling and chatter dropped. And dark, dark as night.

"Do not force the breath. Read it like you read a book. Feel it passing through, in and out. If a thought arises, acknowledge it and come back to observing."

Through eyes, Tommy could see a faint glow, so he peeked a little. A fog had settled over him, cutting him off from seeing anyone else. It glowed faintly, the air damp and cold.

"Observe the sensation underlying the breath, underlying the touch of the air on your nose and lips. That is mana. Observe how it feels. How it flows."

"When you feel it, you may experience symptoms. Phantom pains may accost you, delirium may set in, your feelings will fluctuate, going haywire. Let them be. Keep observing. Keep still. Keep equanimity."

"Once you consistently feel the mana, scan your body piece by piece. First the top of your head, then face, front and back of the neck, the shoulders, down to arms and torso. If there's a sensation, any sensation, move on. If not, wait a bit, continue observing."

"If you do not feel anything, focus on the touch of your clothes, the touch of air - it's heat or cold. Do not be angry. Do not fret. If there is no sensation, accept that and move on. Keep observing parts of the body until you reach your heels and toes. Then, come back up, reversing the path you traveled."

And so, the time passed. Tommy observed his breath. Serenity engulfed him like a soft blanket. There was peace. Yet, as the time passed, he felt himself becoming a bit frustrated. He couldn't feel any of the things the instructor mentioned. 'Is there even an instructor? This could be just another illusion.'

He really wanted to open his eyes again. His legs hurt from holding the lotus pose for so long. 'How long has it been?' He desperately wanted to do something, anything to fix himself. But he held on, the voice appearing at the right moment to soothe the anxiety, to calm him as if it knew.

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"Pain is not the goal. Assert your will but understand your limits. Re-adjust your stance if it hinders your awareness."

"Be patient and aware. The sensations happen when it is time. Or they don't. Observe."

He clung to the last vestige of the peace that had settled over him, his body numb and itchy, his joints aching. It wasn't that hard really. It got really bad, making him want to give in. However, every moment he didn't let go, it got easier to stay.

"Do not want to feel a sensation. Observe. Throbbing, pulsing, radiating, piercing, burning, pressure, any other."

He felt all of them at some point. Yet, it didn't feel like mana. 'It doesn't feel like a mana pull at all. I have sold so many magical artifacts, none of them felt so mundane. No tiredness, no sudden change, no tingling in the wrist. I must be doing something wrong. I wish I could ask.'

"Let the thoughts pass as you continue to listen to you body."

The weight and the numbness was getting to him. The soothing blanket was getting heavier. He felt spent, sleepy. His body ached. His stomach growled, throat and mouth dry, muscles snapping, and the bones creaked and clicked. Faint rumbling sound permeated his ears. The glow of the fog outside must have been too bright as his eyelids glowed as bright as the daylight. And he kept coming back. His thoughts wandered. Every time.

"Our session is coming to an end. You may continue working. If you wish to leave, kindly scan your physical form once more, then proceed quietly to the exit."

Tommy almost sighed. Until he stopped himself, and focused on scanning his body. He had to go through it one last time. The mix of freedom and pain was a bit addictive, like he was floating in a pool of deep water. He began to wonder how long he could really hold.

He decided on one more scan. There was nothing else to do. He wasn't tired or sleepy anymore. This meditation may not have given him mana, but it rejuvenated his tired mind. He was ready to give up and leave.

Another one. He thought he heard footsteps in the grass. 'Am I the only one here? They may not even need this exercise. Am I the only one who cannot use mana? I really am far behind...'

Realizing he had been distracted, he accepted one more cycle of observations. And another. Every time, some factor arose, something that wasn't perfect. Eventually, he didn't even bother making up reasons. He just continued.

Eventually, he was woken out of the trance by the dull sound of brass gong ringing, signaling the closing time for the gym. He had been here the whole day. And felt nothing.

Shaking his head, he stood up, and fell down. His limbs were numb. It hurt everywhere. "I really am not meant to be here."